Geodon News

It was a good day: sunny, warm and so I bought a fruit-and-cheese platter from Starbuck's to take to the Promenade, where I sat on a bench looking out at the harbor. When the person on my left got up, I turned to see a guy on the other side of the bench, who then moved farther away. A year ago I would've though I caused him to do that. Now I just continued to eat my lunch, soaking up the sun. In my newly-lucid thinking, I realized that my old belief that I could influence someone's behavior or control what he thought of me was symptomatic of the illness, a minor delusional thing.

Not that it's always going to be calm seas. This Friday I arrived early to Fort Greene, so I dipped into Tillie's before meeting Maya to drive to Queens for the writing workshop. Maybe because I was bored, and had nothing to do, leafing through the Onion wasn't enough to distract me from the worry. I took out the scene I was going to present for a critique and marked it up. Even that wasn't enough to drown out the unease. As best I could, I exited gracefully to meet Maya, who drove up in her car and we headed off.

A week ago when I met with Dr. Altman, I asked him to clarify what he meant by "total symptom relief" as the only acceptable treatment outcome. He said that it would be not having any symptoms. I think about this now. I'm reminded of the concept of dialectic thinking, where things aren't "either/or," but "and," such as "I am tired and awake." Or, in this case, "I have schizophrenia and I am well."

In April, 1992 my first psychiatrist instituted a drug holiday. By that July, I had relapsed and had to be re-hospitalized to get stabilized on the Stelazine again. Now you know: if it could take me only three months to decompensate, and I had what seemed like everything going for me, imagine how it could be for someone else. It's like playing Russian Roulette with your recovery, and the more psychotic episodes you have, the harder it is to bounce back. If you think this is just a statement I'm parroting that isn't true, I'll tell you that I used to be friends with a woman who told me that indeed, it was harder for her to return to her prior level after having numerous setbacks.

Not all drugs relieve all symptoms at all times.

I'm going to push for peace of mind, anyway.

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Update to Geodon News: Today [Sunday] I took the train home from the shopping center, and did fine.