Hi to both of you,
Chris, I thought your column was terrific. The writing was superb and your advice very very helpful. I have some problems similar to yours, Kate, including phone-phobia, which prevents me from even attempting to promote my art or my writing, or at least the little I am allowed to do...But it is the "allowed to do" that really gets me down.
You see, I live in subsidized housing and am on Medicaid, health care coverage for the disabled indigent, which is essential to me and I cannot do without. This was fine when I was too ill to earn any money on my own or do much at all but write poems. But recently I have been champing at the bit, wanting to sell my artwork and jewelry...and finding that the rules for both the abovementioned programs prevent me from doing so or I risk losing either my housing or my medical care.
I have no way to earn the amount I would need to pay rent in this area -- not doing art or jewelry making, and due to my psychiatric and neurological illnesses I cannot work a job with regular hours -- so in terms of housing I feel utterly stuck. I am forced by circumstances I despise to remain in this situation, unable to even try to move ahead with the rest of my life because of such stifling regulations. Meanwhile, sculptures continue to accumulate in my bedroom-turned-studio and I can't get rid of them because even to donate them means to get on the phone to strangers and promote myself, which I can't get myself to do. (The notion that I must in order to schedule poetry readings, necessary for when my book comes out this February scares the proverbial you-know-what out of me...)
So it feels at least like an economically untenable situation. And one that means I cannot get ahead or grow as an wage earner/professional in any sense of the word, which also holds me back as an artist. I do not know what to do about this. I feel hopeless that it can or will change and am getting very angry at a system that keeps people like me mired in abject poverty just because I need help (You should understand that in Connecticut, one of our wealthiest states, the disabled -- unlike ANY other Medicaid recipients -- have to remain at 50-60% of the federal poverty levels in order to be eligible for Medicaid, so you can imagine how poor we are: not just poor by government standards, but kept at 50% less than that in an otherwise extremely expensive state to live in).
I could go on and on, but it is just too depressing, and in most other ways, I am doing well. Plus, I am just so ecstatic about our new president and the direction the country may now be going in that I do not want to get down in the dumps! 8)
Great job, Christina, you are an amazing example of resilience in the face of this illness and Kate, I wish you good luck with the portrait business. You can do it. Just believe in yourself and when you don't, remember that you have at least two others who do!
Hi Pam,
Thank you for you kind words.
Yes, it is a "crying shame" that the system is set up so that people can't work at some kind of job and still get government health insurance. Unlike in other states, New York has the Medicaid "buy-in" program so that people who work can still collect Medicaid. I recommended this option to people before I realized it was only available in New York State.
I truly hope with Obama as president something can be done about these backward rules about Medicaid and Medicare and working at some kind of job.
We will all buy your poetry book when it comes out.
Good luck with that!
Best,
Christina
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Hi Chris,
I've never had a job, but I've never been on disability--my family has always taken care of me. I am 46 and I have such a deeply rooted sense of shame and insecurity about not working that I have trouble believing that I could handle work. I can't even take good care of my home and self. I live in a very rural, quite poor county of New York where jobs are scarce and there's lots of competition. Some people here work two and three jobs to make ends meet. I have heard of the organization VESID (Vocational and Educational Services for Individuals with Disabilities), but never had the courage to apply. Plus, I have a lot of anxiety about driving in winter weather and I'm sure driving would be required to get to the vocational or educational service and back home again. I have tentatively set up a portrait painting business, but I've been anxious about promoting this business locally. One woman tried to commission me to paint a portrait of her granddaughter, but I had trouble using the phone because I'm somewhat phone phobic, so I lost that commission. On a brighter note, I did get two commissions which I'm working on now, but how do I get myself to have the confidence to promote my services to the local community? I know only I can do it, but I have a bad habit of procrastinating. Do you know of any books on boosting self-esteem? By the way, I really respect the fact that you can work and have a dual career.
Hi Kate,
I recommend the book by Barbara de Angelis, Ph.D., Confidence: Finding It and Living It. The book is just under 100 pages. She gets across the idea that anyone can develop confidence. It's not a mystery. Persistence trumps confidence, if you ask me. Just keep taking action, because action cures fear. So that if you don't have confidence in yourself, just persist. You may ask, "How could I take action if I'm afraid?" Susan Jeffers, the author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway suggests that we keep doing things over and over until we're no longer afraid. Read that book, too.
The first step is the hardest. I admire you for wanting to start a portrait business and after Christmas, when the holiday gift-giving season is over, I'll have you paint a picture of me. I have a photo from SZ Digest from three years ago that you could do. The main thing is, to get referrals from satisfied clients so that you can approach new clients. You have a wonderful idea and I'm certain the people in your town would love paintings of their loved ones.
I admit, I was taking a risk writing about "The Working Life," so I'm glad you posted a comment. Each person has the right to choose he or she wants to live their life. I have a strong belief that working full-time at the job I love enabled me to recover; however, that's my story. Other people have the right to write their own story. I respect and admire you and others who don't work yet have chosen the kinds of lives that work for them.
Cheers,
Chris
Thanks Chris for the book recommendations. I will try to get them soon. I think both topics, getting self confidence and overriding the daily fears, are key topics on road to employment for not just mentally ill people, but all people. I believe that you made many, many right choices in your life and I see you as a definite success story. I see myself as further back along the path than you. You are ahead clearing the way for others and I admire that about you. I think I've made many poor choices in my life, but I'm open to trying to change myself for the better. Often when I read your blogs, I am reminded of new things to think about. Thanks for this topic.
Stay Well,
Kate