Question of the Week: Symptoms

Hi everyone,

I'll be the first to chime in.  Dr. Altman believes the only acceptable outcome in my recovery is total symptom relief.  T., my therapist, believes this is an ideal that doesn't carry out in practice because everyone, regardless of whether he or she has SZ, has something going on in their lives.  Nobody's perfect.  Yet like I've said before, I'm a recovering perfectionist.  So I've slowly come around to the idea that there's always going to be stuff to a greater or lesser degree.

Right now, I find that dining in restaurants or riding the subways are the two landmines because I worry people that the people in my line of view can read my thoughts.  This has come on in the last three or four years and taken hold.  In talking with T. I have come to understand that this is all part of the nature of having SZ.

My worry leads to a feeling where I'm ashamed.  To counter this, I tell myself it's part of the medical condition and that it's OK to have schizophrenia.  If I can link what is going on to the diagnosis right in that moment, it's easier for me to cope.

Also I am never without a book or magazine to read on the train.  In the laundry center a couple of weeks ago I was amazed other launderers could sit on the chairs waiting for their clothes to dry and stare out into space.  I took out a book and began reading.

The worry comes and goes.  I can remember nearly every single time in the last four years when it happened: where I was, who was with me, and the varying levels of success coping with it.  I even remember when it first started: riding the S44 bus to the Staten Island Ferry on the anniversary of 9/11 in 2004.

In keeping with Paulette's words in her interview about helping your loved ones to get through the day as comfortable as possible, I have this goal for myself and will be researching cognitive therapy.  If this is going to be a life-long thing, I want to cope better with it.

One thing I'm going to try is telling myself that it's all in my head, because 95 percent of the time it is, and nobody knows what's going on iin my head.  If they did, I could choose not to be upset.  Objectively, I know I'm just a stranger on the train to them and they're lost in their own thoughts and I'm barely a blip on their radar.  On a subjective level, that's where it gets tricky: I accept the diagnosis, yet I wish I didn't have it.

T. reminded me a year or two ago that this isn't a personal failing.  What helps me the most is doing my advocacy work.  My goal is to help the world heal from the disease of stigma, and that begins in my own mind.

Early on in my SZA career I was delusional and paranoid. I heard voices.(Still do). The voices told me to do things. They told me I was special and that I could read minds, start fires, move objects, all with my mind. They told me that all the family crap was my fault.

The delusional and paranoia are long since gone.

In April this year I celebrated my 29th year of SZA. I say celebrate, because for me SZA changed me.

I have had voices all this time. The only time they are "bothersome" is in the morning. When I first wake up, I hear music (I call it WDAVE radio.) After about an hour to two hours of music, I get a mix of voices and music...Like a carnival. Then it's all voice for two to three hours.

I've taken many meds to help with the voices. None have ever stopped the voices. The meds do keep my paranoia and delusions at bay. It's been alot of years since my last eposide of "delusions."

Last year, I started to get active in dealing and coping with the voices. I call it the "push." I push the voices out, by redirecting my thoughts. It's works most of the time. If they don't go away with the push, I'll use outside distractions, like music or physical activity.

SZA has been a huge part of my life. I have had it my entire adult life. I like to think that SZA made me stronger, because I had to work harder, mentally and physically, than most "Normals." I don't hate that I have SZA. I have often said that I was given SZA because I could handle it.

I do alot of online journaling. Here and two other sites. I have told my story many times over. I have learned that people are helped by my story. They can sympathize and therefore see that you can have a good life, despite SZA.

Reaching out to a hand that's extended for help is the greatest joy I have ever felt.

I remember how terrible it was to hear voices. I do not allow myself to listen to them. I hear them but do not listen. To listen to the voices is a one way trip to a bad situation.

I hope this helps. Recovery is possible. I will continue to find new ways of dealing with my SZA.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

I did hear voices and occasionally see demons when I was at my worst.  But there was one symptom I was not aware of until it went away.  That was paranoia.  It was obvious to me that socializing was nearly impossible at any venue -- restaurants, parties, showers, family holiday meals, church, etc.  But I didn't realize it was paranoia, and I don't think that forcing myself to go to these events would have helped.  I think only long-term medication finally brought an end to it.  When I woke up one day and had no more social fears, my life was turned around.  Unless it has happened to you, you can't believe what a relief it is to walk into a room and not believe everyone is staring at you and judging you.

One of my personal best coping skills, however, can be avoiding too much socialization.  I plan only a couple of "outings" per week if possible.  By this, I mean being in close contact with people.  For instance, a church supper or having a friend over to my apartment.  If I have 3 or more days with people it becomes a real stress and I need to retreat.  Taking a nap really revives and calms in this situation.  Also, listening to music when I am anxious takes off the edge.  I have often wished my psychiatrist would give me some anti-anxiety meds, but he won't.  So I use grounding techniques, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, and meditation to help me get to sleep at night.  (Along with Trazodone!)

I have to parse out myself very carefully and make sure there is enough time doing things alone, like painting or watching TV.  It is hard for me to adjust to not being able to multi-task when I used to be able to keep a dozen things going all at the same time.  But maybe it is better to live at a slower pace and discover the richer and more rewarding side(s) of life.

Carolyn

Hi again,

This is a non-traditional coping skill that I've alluded to in my personal blog, Joyful Music.  I find that blending in lessens the self-conscious feeling about being different.  So for me that involves dressing in clothes that are fashionable yet not on the edge.  I don't wear garish makeup [I stopped doing so in 1995] or weird clothes.  Only if you are a naturally Trendy type could you possibly carry off such a look.  And living with SZ, I want to be taken seriously so I do what it takes to come across as trustworthy.

Today I woke at four in the morning, was up four hours and the day had only just begun.  I decided to wear a black cotton knit skirt and my Normal's Overrated tee shirt that a friend gave me.  He told me he coveted being normal because of how far he's come in his recovery so didn't want to accept the free tee shirt.

My antenna were on a high frequency because I would be taking the train.  I felt if I wore the tee-shirt, nobody would mess with me.  And anyway, I was meeting friends in Washington Square Park so I felt I could make that kind of statement.  R. said she liked the tee shirt.  We walked down University Place browsing the outdoor art show.  A woman passing us in the other direction shouted out, "I love your tee shirt."  One of the artists said, "What's that say?  Animal's overrated?  Oh, Normal's Overrated.  So you must be normal."

The shirt is sold by NAMI, by the way.  The cast of House endorsed it to promote NAMI's anti-stigma campaign.  It's a black shirt with silver letters stating "Normal's Overrated" on the front and "House" on the back.  When it's sent in the mail you get a postcard with a facsimile of the cast's signatures.

It was an experiment.  I certainly won't be wearing the tee shirt out in public any time soon again.  It proved to me that when you're on display, it only heightens your sense of feeling different.  I would probably wear it to a NAMI event or some kind of casual cultural event like a poetry reading.

So, file this under Coping Skill #2: minimize your unease and maximum your comfortability by attending to your appearance in a subtle way.  Also because when you shower and dress well you gain self-confidence.

Agree?

MY symptoms include confusion and withdrawal

Best Wishes,

bretsch

Hell Chris,

Great questions for constructive discussion. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. My symptoms led me to believe everybody was watching me, following me, and wanting to harm me. I believed people, including relatives, were trying to poison my food and tamper with my soap, causing it to burn my skin when I showered. As a result, I stopped eating and showering.

Also, I believed I was a prophet or Jesus Christ Himself and people were persecuting me again. I thought I had the gift of discernment, whereas I could feel menacing and positive spirits. Reading people's minds was another characteristic of my illness, and other people reading my mind too. I received suicidal messages from television and radioi, although I never attempted to commit suicide.

My illness got so bad I became catatonic. However, I was blessed by my family encouraging my attorney to mandate medication compliance. After a few months I was stable on medication and was moving again, eating again, and showering regularly.

Coping skills- journal, take medication, and seek support. Now, I keep a blog that discusses my thoughts on different topics about schizophrenia, occassionally I journal, and participate in on-line support groups, and I take my medication regularly. My advice to other people living with mental illness is to find support and take medication under a doctor's care regularly.

Take care,

Ashley