I am from genetic bits passed down and down But still a unique self Some days I am from bed and back to bed With only TV in between Others, I don't even get that far.   But then there is the rare day When I am from God and I Can hardly wait to get started On something momentous and compassionate I am from a line of artists So I get started on a painting And work an hour and grow tired Of the whole thing And turn the canvas to the wall No sign of procrastination   I am from enthralling horrors "The valley of the shadow of death" I am from hospital to hospital Familiar with them all   I am from inside out now, turning Slowly away from mania and sadness Turning into that unique self again I am rising out of each unique day Rising from nothingness to somethingness   I am from courage I am from stamina I am from treating myself well I am from avoiding stress I am from all these places But more important is that from there, I move forward.

 

Bio for today:

I long to help my friends who have depression, mania, schizophrenia, etc.  I call them to try to connect.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  I have a bipolar friend who may be contemplating suicide, but she won't listen to me.  She won't let me drive her to the best mental hospital in town, even though I promise to come visit her every day.  She says I am the only person who understands her, yet she will not let me close anymore.  But I will keep trying.

 

I believe I have made an absolutely amazing recovery out of a place that can only be called hell.  The medications made a big difference, the therapy helped at times, my mother helped me keep on track, and I have discovered what to seek and what to avoid that will help me remain in recovery.

 

My family thinks schizophrenia is somewhat shameful and not to be talked about, and certainly not mentioned outside the family.  Once again today, Mom told me, "Oh Carolyn, whatever WHATEVER you do, never tell anyone else you have schizophrenia."  But I know from experience that there are times to share and times not to share.

 

This is still in some ways a very day-by-day thing for me, especially living on my own and being responsible for my actions, my finances, how I take my meds, and especially how much contact I can force myself to have with others.  But I am putting one foot in front of the other and, as I said, moving forward.

 

Carolyn

 

P.S. Thank you for your post, Christina.  Thinking about where you are from, compared to where you are now, is a good way to keep things in perspective.

 

 

Hi Christina

 

Then and now is something that crosses my mind often. A year and a half ago I had a kid whom I thought was just hanging with the wrong crowd. Now I have a kid who struggles to emotinally just get through the day. I am thankful that he is getting so much help at the rtc and hopeful that he will have a successful recovery. I worry every day about what the future will bring him. He was always a generally anxious kid

and was just trying to fit in somewhere. I didn't realize how hard it was on him.

Now I have to help him find his way with an awful stigma attached to him which is in no way his fault. So then I thought I just had a mixed up adolescent and now I fear his entering back into society (in about 9 months.) I look at pictures of him and think about how in a million years, I never imagined his life or my life would come to this.

I am hopeful that he will continue to make progress and I try to think of the good things that he is making happen. Hope is the only thing that I have to hold onto.

Kathy

A world of days gone by The time when I didn't care to try The world was mine; many paths to choose I didn't think I could ever lose I jumped from path to path and back Marriages and kids I did not lack At 34 they say late in life Disease came and caused me strife Nineteen years and back on track have just begun to get life back No one can stop me I won't let it be All I want is to just be ME! Then... In my late adolescence I was a rebel, a wild child. I did not like to be alone and bounced through three marriages. My third marriage has lasted, I don't know how, for 31 years. We have six children and now have something like eleven grandchildren. At the age of 34 my world started to mess up. It appeared to be triggered by the birth of my last child and during the time that my oldest was causing me much stress. I started therapy and after a few different psychiatrists my diagnosis went from recurrent major depression to schizoaffective. I have been through the bowels of depression, therapy, and all except hospitalization. My hubby would not let me be hospitalized. No one actually knew or understood anything about what I feel, see, or hear. Approximately five years into the illness I began to self medicate and drink. I had all the right excuses for my behavior. I became a depressed, schizoaffective alcoholic. The whole time I continued this behavior as my modified attempt at suicide. I knew it would eventually kill me and didn't care. Then one morning I awoke and had my lightbulb moment or lightening bolt. No it wasn't the hand of God. I am an atheist, free thinker. But I decided I wanted to live. It has been 3 years and 8 months ago. Now... At that point in 2006, I put down the bottle and the cigarettes and have never relapsed. At this point I tell myself that I have worked too hard to get here to go back to where I was. I have stopped and started meds too many times to count. In August of 2006 I went to college at the age of 50. Of course I followed the Psychology path and in 2008 I graduated with 2 AAS degrees, one in human services and the other as a chemical dependency practitioner. I am now pursuing my BA in psychology and will graduate in May of 2010. I consider myself as a sober alcoholic and schizoaffective in remission. I am job hunting because as I say, I was retired for 20 years and now want to work and have a career. I am ashamed to say that I don't shout my disability from the housetops. The stigma is so great. I would love to share my history with others and offer hope. I would love to work with the mentally ill dual diagnosed people in our area but jobs are scarce. That is my story.