Question of the Week - Then and Now

What I wrote five years ago in the creative writing workshop:

 

I am from secret sin

And beginning again.

 

I am from living life

On the edge of a knife.

 

I am from back wards

And moving towards.

 

I am from popping pills

And paying bills.

 

I am from unspeakable hell

And getting well.

 

________________________

 

 

This is what I remember from the poem as I haven't saved a copy.

 

Now I will sketch my recovery.

 

Then:  It was not guaranteed that I would recover.  Forces conspired against me first because of the illness and second because I was not taken seriously by the counselor at the second day program.  I wanted to go to OVR [now VESID} to be trained as a word processor so that I could find my first job, and she told me, "How do you expect to get a job?  You dress very Greenwich Village."  When I first started the program, she assigned me to the lowest level of groups even though I felt I could handle the higher level.  At the bottom, you didn't even have group therapy, only the people at the top had group therapy even though I had been at a day program before where there was group therapy.  So it was like a slide back and I had to fight to get what I wanted.

 

The one thing I can say is that I have always been determined.  As soon as I got out of the hospital the first time, I had the goal of going to work full-time and finding my own apartment.  Within three weeks of being released from the hospital, I started attending the first day program, which I did for a year.  Then I moved into a halfway house.  Three years after I was diagnosed, I had a full-time job with health benefits and lived on my own.

 

How can describing this help other people?  I can give you a snapshot of hope because most likely a lot of you have encountered stigma even from within the system and by providers.  So a person could get discouraged and think there is no hope and that he is not capable of much if nobody else reinforces him.

 

The difference is that I wouldn't take no for an answer and I don't think you should either.

 

Now: Today I work as a librarian and have a second job as the Community Leader and expert blogger for the Connection.  I also have a third job on the side writing the Living Life column for SZ magazine.  I would not do all this if I didn't believe people could recover.  Somebody has to do it and I do it to give you hope.  I have the discharge papers to prove I have been there.  I doubt I would be this fearless if I hadn't gotten sick.  It changed everything.  I realized early on that because I lost my mind there was nothing else I could ever fear losing.  This enabled me to take risks that a lot of people wouldn't have dared take.

 

So stigma, it doesn't carry the kind of weight with me that I know it does for other people.  My new goal now is to figure out how to educate the general public instead of preaching to the choir.  Hopefully a literary agent will sign me on soon and my memoir can be published in due season.

 

There you have it: a snapshot of the life of a person living with schizophrenia.

 

I would love to hear from you on this topic.

 

Comments, poetry, artwork, whatever you feel like contributing will all be welcome.

I am from genetic bits passed down and down But still a unique self Some days I am from bed and back to bed With only TV in between Others, I don't even get that far.   But then there is the rare day When I am from God and I Can hardly wait to get started On something momentous and compassionate I am from a line of artists So I get started on a painting And work an hour and grow tired Of the whole thing And turn the canvas to the wall No sign of procrastination   I am from enthralling horrors "The valley of the shadow of death" I am from hospital to hospital Familiar with them all   I am from inside out now, turning Slowly away from mania and sadness Turning into that unique self again I am rising out of each unique day Rising from nothingness to somethingness   I am from courage I am from stamina I am from treating myself well I am from avoiding stress I am from all these places But more important is that from there, I move forward.

 

Bio for today:

I long to help my friends who have depression, mania, schizophrenia, etc.  I call them to try to connect.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  I have a bipolar friend who may be contemplating suicide, but she won't listen to me.  She won't let me drive her to the best mental hospital in town, even though I promise to come visit her every day.  She says I am the only person who understands her, yet she will not let me close anymore.  But I will keep trying.

 

I believe I have made an absolutely amazing recovery out of a place that can only be called hell.  The medications made a big difference, the therapy helped at times, my mother helped me keep on track, and I have discovered what to seek and what to avoid that will help me remain in recovery.

 

My family thinks schizophrenia is somewhat shameful and not to be talked about, and certainly not mentioned outside the family.  Once again today, Mom told me, "Oh Carolyn, whatever WHATEVER you do, never tell anyone else you have schizophrenia."  But I know from experience that there are times to share and times not to share.

 

This is still in some ways a very day-by-day thing for me, especially living on my own and being responsible for my actions, my finances, how I take my meds, and especially how much contact I can force myself to have with others.  But I am putting one foot in front of the other and, as I said, moving forward.

 

Carolyn

 

P.S. Thank you for your post, Christina.  Thinking about where you are from, compared to where you are now, is a good way to keep things in perspective.

 

 

I am from a world of despair

where no one loves or really cares

 

I am from a dog that runs

trying to find the golden sun

 

I am from the pits of hell

that binds me fairly well

 

I am from a rotten seed

my hands reach out in desparate need

 

I am from a world men do not know

where chaos is the only show.

 

I am from sight unseen

made into a hateful machine

 

I am from sorrow

no hope for a tomorrow

 

I am from darkness

and from blindness

 

Then;

 

I lived in shame. My family life was horrible to say the least. I was beat up almost daily. I started using drugs at 13. It not only was an escape it was me being defiant. Chaos ruled the house. I was bullied in school. I was alone, in crowds of people. I hurt and all knew. The was no love or even any caring.

 

Now:

 

The last 29 years have shaped the man I am.

 

I am not a "bad" boy with a big mouth. I am not a spoiled rotten brat anymore. 

 

I have a future. I have air breathing in my lungs. I have a heart pumping blood.

 

I am a totally opposite of what I was. I feel love, and compassion. I desire not to harm another, including me. I have a life.

 

This disease is indeed awful. I am not proud I have it, but it did change me.

 

I have spent many days in hospitals. Been on many meds and several ECT's.

 

Yet through it all I never gave up. I wasn't gonna lay down and let this illness control who I am. Becoming a "lifer" isn't an option. 

 

I do have times when I feel weak and just wanna give in. Those times are when I fight the hardest.

 

Dave

 

 

 

Hi Christina

 

Then and now is something that crosses my mind often. A year and a half ago I had a kid whom I thought was just hanging with the wrong crowd. Now I have a kid who struggles to emotinally just get through the day. I am thankful that he is getting so much help at the rtc and hopeful that he will have a successful recovery. I worry every day about what the future will bring him. He was always a generally anxious kid

and was just trying to fit in somewhere. I didn't realize how hard it was on him.

Now I have to help him find his way with an awful stigma attached to him which is in no way his fault. So then I thought I just had a mixed up adolescent and now I fear his entering back into society (in about 9 months.) I look at pictures of him and think about how in a million years, I never imagined his life or my life would come to this.

I am hopeful that he will continue to make progress and I try to think of the good things that he is making happen. Hope is the only thing that I have to hold onto.

Kathy

Hi Christina,

 

I am from I don't know.

Where do I go from here

 

I am from a deep inner thought

that keeps me blind and deaf from what's around me

 

I am from 2 very supportive people

my mom and dad

 

I am from a world of addiction

and will never have another drop

 

I am from God

My faith forever be with him

 

Rene

 

 

A world of days gone by The time when I didn't care to try The world was mine; many paths to choose I didn't think I could ever lose I jumped from path to path and back Marriages and kids I did not lack At 34 they say late in life Disease came and caused me strife Nineteen years and back on track have just begun to get life back No one can stop me I won't let it be All I want is to just be ME! Then... In my late adolescence I was a rebel, a wild child. I did not like to be alone and bounced through three marriages. My third marriage has lasted, I don't know how, for 31 years. We have six children and now have something like eleven grandchildren. At the age of 34 my world started to mess up. It appeared to be triggered by the birth of my last child and during the time that my oldest was causing me much stress. I started therapy and after a few different psychiatrists my diagnosis went from recurrent major depression to schizoaffective. I have been through the bowels of depression, therapy, and all except hospitalization. My hubby would not let me be hospitalized. No one actually knew or understood anything about what I feel, see, or hear. Approximately five years into the illness I began to self medicate and drink. I had all the right excuses for my behavior. I became a depressed, schizoaffective alcoholic. The whole time I continued this behavior as my modified attempt at suicide. I knew it would eventually kill me and didn't care. Then one morning I awoke and had my lightbulb moment or lightening bolt. No it wasn't the hand of God. I am an atheist, free thinker. But I decided I wanted to live. It has been 3 years and 8 months ago. Now... At that point in 2006, I put down the bottle and the cigarettes and have never relapsed. At this point I tell myself that I have worked too hard to get here to go back to where I was. I have stopped and started meds too many times to count. In August of 2006 I went to college at the age of 50. Of course I followed the Psychology path and in 2008 I graduated with 2 AAS degrees, one in human services and the other as a chemical dependency practitioner. I am now pursuing my BA in psychology and will graduate in May of 2010. I consider myself as a sober alcoholic and schizoaffective in remission. I am job hunting because as I say, I was retired for 20 years and now want to work and have a career. I am ashamed to say that I don't shout my disability from the housetops. The stigma is so great. I would love to share my history with others and offer hope. I would love to work with the mentally ill dual diagnosed people in our area but jobs are scarce. That is my story.