Ended Marriage to a Schizophrenic

I would "move on." Adultery is something that is unforgivable, because lack of trust. If you went back you would always remember the affair and it would bring about feelings of mistrust. Trust is what makes a marriage. He hasn't sent any support, that is a lack of concern.

In the end you must decide.

I wish you and the kids the best,

Dave

Hello,

You are understandably feeling raw and betrayed both by the infidelity and by the change in your husband from metrosexual to person diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I'm not able to tell you what you should do as I feel you will know in your heart what to do.  If your husband is not taking his schizophrenia meds, there will be repeated troubles down the line.  A man who is separated is not divorced so if he hooked up with someone that constitutes adultery.

You have not mentioned visitation rights or the actual legal custody you have as opposed to your husband.  If you wanted to consider your children having a father, I would suggest visitation rights.  They may need a father, you don't necessarily need a husband, especially one whose commitment to his recovery has not been shown to you yet.  He can be a father with visitation rights.

The road ahead will be long and not easy if he does not make his recovery the number one priority.  And right now, without a track recovery of recovery under his belt, you will need to determine if he actions mesh with what he tells you about what he's doing to get a handle on the illness.  This is going to involve quite a level of trust on your part.  So ask yourself if you can live with the uncertainty and live with the amount of time it will take for him to get stable.

Recovery is not quick and it isn't easy; it's a lifetime process of doing the right things to take care of your mental health and in his case, doing the right things for you and your children.  Only you can decide whether you want to stay in the marriage.  If you do, I would suggest you join the Schizophrenia Society in Canada or the National Alliance on Mental Illness [NAMI] in the U.S., depending on where you live.  They will have support meetings for family members of loved ones who have mental illnesses, where you can meet weekly or on a monthly basis to help each other cope with the realities of having a loved one diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Lastly, I do not want to sound like I am implying your husband will not now or cannot in the future change his behavior.  You have to go with your intuition about things based on what you observe now.  It is possible things could be different down the road.  I would talk with him and ask him if he has a relapse prevention plan in place for dealing with the schizophrenia, what steps he's taken to change, and maybe see how he does with the kids.  You could also go on date nights with him if he's in the same city or town to see how it goes before you commit.

Regards,

Christina

My advice is to move on.  Your husband doesn't seem to have made any headway against his illness yet and is making a mess of his life.  Don't let him destroy any happiness you have found where you are now.  Even if he does "recover," he will most likely never be the man you met and married.  And recovery usually takes years of hard work and a lot of courage on the part of the patient and his family.  I would advise you to go ahead and make the break permanent.  And although you are right that children need a father, can you really trust him with your children?  If I were you I would try to get sole custody of the kids and cut your losses and divorce him as soon as possible.  Your responsibility now is yourself and your children.

When I was diagnosed and my personality had changed significantly, my husband said, "I don't want to be married to a mental case."  And for years I resented that.   But we did divorce and I am so glad now.  I could barely take care of myself, let alone do what needs to be done to hold a marriage together.  He was very controlling and I was glad to get away from him.  It has been about 14 yrs since I was first diagnosed, and just the last year or two can I really say I feel recovered.

Best wishes to you.

Carolyn

Yes definitely move on.  Whatever beautiful man he was in the past, is not present and gone forever.  He can't turn back on the decisions he made and what it has made him to be today. He will not get better with this disease and more than not it will get progressively worse.  But above all, you will never get back that beautiful man.  Better to cherish it as a memory, than ruin your life and yourself trying to bring it back. You will find another man to love that will love you. But you have to look towards the new, the good, the positive.  Move forward, not backwards.  Dream ahead, don't dwell on the past. You'll get the happiness you deserve. Good luck to you dear.