Ended Marriage to a Schizophrenic

By anonymous Saturday, September 26, 2009

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Meanwhile we got crushed by a half ton chev, a month after arriving here, I lost my job and my sons both got sick. To say it's been trying, well, try dealing with insurance companies on top of everything else. Again, no real sentiment came from him, and no money support either.

Now, after I set us up here, he wants me back. After being with *miss A* and living a summer of freedom, he said that he wants me back. He made me a necklace, sent me roses but told me that the affair is not an affair because I left and he doesn't feel the need to beg forgiveness and it was 'my fault' or both of 'our faults' that the separation happened in the first place as I had given him ultimatums for months before his own.

I don't know who's right or wrong. I feel betrayed in so many ways.

He did cry when he confessed the affair. It was the most sentiment that I have heard in his voice since the disease. I don't know if he is stabilized as the military just gave him a month off (he wants to quit as he sees his work as being a major trigger).

I know I need more time alone. Just to re-coop, raise the kids and find myself again. He is taking it as aggressiveness towards his affair, to which I very much was at first. Now I'm just confused. I made a vow for better or worst.

For the first year, he was the most beautiful, wonderful person that I could lean on/ count on and love. He was a brilliant father to my first born and an extremely loving support system to me. He was a gift to the world as he had saved lives through his work. He was a gift to my world. It was these memories that gave me strength to endure the bad years to come.

I haven't seen this person in more than 2 years. Just bitterness, blame, and now betrayal as well.

I'm too tired to think anymore...

-Apart of me says "let him go, he's sick and the children are happier now and we are WORTH more than his summer discernment of us"

-another part says that "the kids deserve a father and I should give hm a second chance for the sake of a solid family life as I still love him so much".

Should I just move on and let his family fend for him? I know it certainly would be the easier route...

A Short Poem: To Love and Let Be

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Comments (8) | Add comment

David Robbins

9/28/09 5:15am

I would "move on." Adultery is something that is unforgivable, because lack of trust. If you went back you would always remember the affair and it would bring about feelings of mistrust. Trust is what makes a marriage. He hasn't sent any support, that is a lack of concern.

In the end you must decide.

I wish you and the kids the best,

Dave

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

9/28/09 11:26pm

Hello,

You are understandably feeling raw and betrayed both by the infidelity and by the change in your husband from metrosexual to person diagnosed with schizophrenia.

I'm not able to tell you what you should do as I feel you will know in your heart what to do. If your husband is not taking his schizophrenia meds, there will be repeated troubles down the line. A man who is separated is not divorced so if he hooked up with someone that constitutes adultery.

You have not mentioned visitation rights or the actual legal custody you have as opposed to your husband. If you wanted to consider your children having a father, I would suggest visitation rights. They may need a father, you don't necessarily need a husband, especially one whose commitment to his recovery has not been shown to you yet. He can be a father with visitation rights.

The road ahead will be long and not easy if he does not make his recovery the number one priority. And right now, without a track recovery of recovery under his belt, you will need to determine if he actions mesh with what he tells you about what he's doing to get a handle on the illness. This is going to involve quite a level of trust on your part. So ask yourself if you can live with the uncertainty and live with the amount of time it will take for him to get stable.

Recovery is not quick and it isn't easy; it's a lifetime process of doing the right things to take care of your mental health and in his case, doing the right things for you and your children. Only you can decide whether you want to stay in the marriage. If you do, I would suggest you join the Schizophrenia Society in Canada or the National Alliance on Mental Illness [NAMI] in the U.S., depending on where you live. They will have support meetings for family members of loved ones who have mental illnesses, where you can meet weekly or on a monthly basis to help each other cope with the realities of having a loved one diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Lastly, I do not want to sound like I am implying your husband will not now or cannot in the future change his behavior. You have to go with your intuition about things based on what you observe now. It is possible things could be different down the road. I would talk with him and ask him if he has a relapse prevention plan in place for dealing with the schizophrenia, what steps he's taken to change, and maybe see how he does with the kids. You could also go on date nights with him if he's in the same city or town to see how it goes before you commit.

Regards,

Christina

anonymous

9/29/09 4:32pm

He has assumed the support of his family and is moving to a different province to be with them. I had left to pursue work across the country as soon as he had wanted the separation. (I thought the change of scenery will help the kids and I heal faster). He had intially invited the kids and I to join him, after his affair, but now doesn't seem to know if he wants us back at all.

He said he will give me sole custody. But I can't help thinking, with meds and his extended family support, that we could work it out.

Donna-1

9/28/09 11:59pm

My advice is to move on. Your husband doesn't seem to have made any headway against his illness yet and is making a mess of his life. Don't let him destroy any happiness you have found where you are now. Even if he does "recover," he will most likely never be the man you met and married. And recovery usually takes years of hard work and a lot of courage on the part of the patient and his family. I would advise you to go ahead and make the break permanent. And although you are right that children need a father, can you really trust him with your children? If I were you I would try to get sole custody of the kids and cut your losses and divorce him as soon as possible. Your responsibility now is yourself and your children.

When I was diagnosed and my personality had changed significantly, my husband said, "I don't want to be married to a mental case." And for years I resented that. But we did divorce and I am so glad now. I could barely take care of myself, let alone do what needs to be done to hold a marriage together. He was very controlling and I was glad to get away from him. It has been about 14 yrs since I was first diagnosed, and just the last year or two can I really say I feel recovered.

Best wishes to you.

Carolyn

anonymous

9/29/09 4:25pm

I am so sorry that your husband said that to you.

I had said quite the opposite to my husband. I told him that I will stick it out for him because I love him. I had promised this when we married and I meant it.

However, I told him over & over he had to 'straighten out' for me and the kids. He was always on the couch or concetntrating on his own gratification, never really moving forward. I needed to be shown respect. He needed to appreciate me and the kids and learn what a loss we would be when we left. I wanted to alleviate the stress in his life from the demands of a family to regain strength & see if he would improve. Instead he took it to a new direction, hence the affair.

Only lately has he agreed to me having custody. Now he isn't even sure if he wants us to work things out. I just don't want to lose the man I love due to being too hasty to let him stablize.

abcd

9/29/09 6:05pm

Don't delude yourself... Breaking up is hard to do, but it's even more painful to live in the hell you describe.

But most of all, please consider your children. Children need a father... IF he is a father. Believe me, the damage such a father could and will cause your children is simply fearsome to consider. I am speaking of my own personal experience...

anonymous

9/30/09 9:23am

I am taking your words to heart. There have been very scary incidents that have happened with my soon-to-be X-Husband that involved the children.
I have now recounted, from research and memory, other people's stories growing up with a parent with SZ.

This has helped me get off the fence and make a decision based on truth and future happiness of everyone involved.

Anonymous

10/ 9/09 5:24am

Yes definitely move on. Whatever beautiful man he was in the past, is not present and gone forever. He can't turn back on the decisions he made and what it has made him to be today. He will not get better with this disease and more than not it will get progressively worse. But above all, you will never get back that beautiful man. Better to cherish it as a memory, than ruin your life and yourself trying to bring it back. You will find another man to love that will love you. But you have to look towards the new, the good, the positive. Move forward, not backwards. Dream ahead, don't dwell on the past. You'll get the happiness you deserve. Good luck to you dear.

Ended Marriage to a Schizophrenic

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