The 12 Step life. Minus addiction.

It's funny (not really), but after hearing about AA from my sister I think I have a lot in common with people dealing with addictions.  I don't know the 12 steps by heart, but I find myself doing many of them.  Over and Over unfortunately. 

I am always trying to find a higher power that I can believe in.  You would think that would be easy for me because I DO believe in evil.  I just can't can't get a grip on any sort of good source of power.  My poor young nephew goes to Catholic school and thinks I'm a sinner because I have a few Buddha statues and read about the Tao.  I'm just looking for something to lean on, a philosophy if not a God.  And protection. 

I'm not very good at forgiving myself.  As for others I either forgive freely or hold an eternal grudge.  There seems to be little reason to who gets out of jail free and who burns holes in my mind.  You can say you forgive someone all you want, but when the very thought of them is upsetting I've found the best road is to avoid the thought. 

I try to reconcile with those I have wronged in the past.  Problem is I've pretty much wronged everyone in my life at some point.  Multiple times.  So what to do?  Say I'm sorry I ruined you dinner with 'impolite' talk. (That could be anything from saying Bush is an idiot to 'your wife is not part of this family')  Either way I'm not getting invited to dinner again.  So I feel bad, isolate a little more, and go in circles trying to forgive myself, the others, and to find some reason for it all.

The NAMI group I've been going to has 12 posits of some sort that we read at the beginning of each meeting.  It's a little frustrating there.  It's a small group of mostly depressed or bipolar people.  I feel like I'm the most f'd up person there and do not freely share what's going on with me.  Always the outsider it seems.  Funny thing is, when I've been inpatient with a group of schizophrenics before I thought they were too far out to deal with.  I guess it all depencomds on where you are at the moment.  I'll keep trying NAMI.  Try to figure out what's safe to say and what's not.  I should have been an actor I think.  What role shall I play today?  Do I have a choice?

Stopping now before this becomes a ramble.

Ciao.