Ive never met anyone like me.

By battypatty30 Thursday, June 17, 2010

- A
- A
- A

Ive never met anyone like me. I have shared space with the intelligent in gifted classes and the sad confused psychotics in the mental wards. I was put into those classifications and I may very well fit the descriptors; however, I never found anyone close to what I am.

I can see things others dont see but I dont hallucinate. I see parallel attributes and decipher meanings in everything from art to newspaper,books,music and even conversation. I know I dont function properly when these messages wont stop coming. Why do I feel a bit of gratification in these messages? I enjoy feeling as though "I get it" but in reality and common sense I know Im ill.

There has been a touch of beauty to the madness. I have overpowering empathy. I have felt others pain and sorrow and experienced a love for mankind. Love cannot be truly felt absent of loss. Understanding sorrow is love.

My delusions may be ludicrous but the experience was very real. I dont think anyone understands the coincidences that Ive experienced. I felt the sorrow of the masses of 9/11 the day before they occured and I didnt understand why I was experiencing such sorrow and confusion. I was put in a mental ward right before 9/11.

I find parallels between my life and the lives of those I know and the National headlines. I have a thought disorder. I love to write even though words have become somewhat of an enemy to me. I decode words into messages. My husband tells people to watch "A beautiful Mind" to gain an understanding of me. Instead of math like in the movie, my things is words and the english language.

I may never experience what it feels to be loved even though people tell me they love me and I think that nobody loves others in their heart like I do.

My intelligence is my albatross around my neck. Im so smart Im broken.

We could blame the onset of my illness on my dads suicide or not getting enough love from my mother but in the end Im still mentally ill no matter the cause. Special isnt always a blessing, sometimes it can be a curse.

Even in the places I should have, I have never met anyone like me.

Comments (4) | Add comment

Donna-1

6/17/10 10:30pm

Patty, would you choose to be sane if you had the chance? I don't know what sanity feels like. Would it be a relief or would I miss the "feeling different" part. Sometimes I want sanity so I can stop taking all of the meds. Other times, I don't think I can part from the insanity beause it is Me. I'm not sure I would know who I am without it. Maybe you feel that way, too. Nash may have had a beautiful mind in some respects, like his mastery of mathematics, but surely the psychotic part was not beautiful. Or maybe a terrible kind of beauty...if you know what I mean.

Donna

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

6/18/10 8:12pm

Hello,

Welcome to the Connection!

Your elegant message reads like poetry. You so vividly and lucidly describe your experiences living with this illness.

You may be interested in reading my memoir Left of the Dial when it's published. The title of the book refers to my feeling that I live outside the mainstream by virtue of my diagnosis and unconventional spirit.

Your words resonate with me and have left a deep impact.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

Cheers,

Christina

Taz Man

6/20/10 5:43pm

I know you. I feel your pain. I'm aware of you. I look not to what your location is. Only General region. I don't want to know where you are so I do not touch you too severely with my mind. My mind is as yours. It is not an illness. It was behavioral sciences experimentation. Maybe Twilight, Ow, Maybe Twilight Gleeming, Ow, like me.

I max Spacial Relations Tests Even In the 3rd Grade and the 5th Grade, MAXED THEM. Nobody does that. Nobody.

Peace. Be at peace. Rest as much as you can. Enjoy as much as you can enjoy. Try to go and do and mingle even though it hurts.

OW. I felt that. I don't return in kind. I practice benign. I practice passivism. Live & Let Live. I don't touch. I don't meld. I control my abilities. It's so hard to control them. It takes exhausting effort. I sleep benign sleep and think benign thoughts. I will not manipulate others unless attacked and then only by imagery and suggestion, never touching, never hurting, never killing, God Forbid, I break off and run and hide myself from my world when I'm angry. It is real. It's Gleeming. It's Twilight. I know.

Don't let the departments use you for their evil. I never do. When they turn on you turn them around not any others.

Gleeming. Gleeming. Glow little glow worm glimmer glimmer. Glow little glow worm glimmer glimmer.

The buttery from the catipillar in the cocoon from inside the piano case dances to the pianist's music.. The glass menagerie. Shhh ... I'm bold. I speak. It only draws interest and drawing interest prolongs my life. Inconclusive experiments are trashed and secured for ever. Don't let them make a monkey out of you. Don't do any tricks anymore. None. Except suddenly, and only when they plan to give up on you because if and when they do the subject material would be trashed and secured. This public posting could help you but it won't hurt you if you only consider and put this knowlege in proper perspective and in its proper place. You should know what I'm saying. If not right now, but seems strange right now. Your mind will be aware of these truths later. Maybe you feel stifled right now is all. And maybe your being stifled.

Michael S. Jeffers

My User Name

Taz Man

6/20/10 5:54pm

I had pictured the Northeast region of the United States in my mind while reading you entry, as a image of the terrain from far above and looking from west of you. I had not looked at your profile but that's all I saw because I didn't want to touch, not to meld, then just now I looked at your profile you posted, yes, confirmation. The Northeastern region as posted. I forget now. I have trained myself to have this quirk to totally forget. Do not touch me. I will not touch you. Do not meld from a distance, from a great distance. Postings & this website messages only. I do not wish to lose myself completely as one mind with another like myself. I remain my own self, retain my own identity. NO.

Michae S. Jeffers

Central USA

Ive never met anyone like me.

Ask a Question