ready to give up

Written by

Tue, November 03, 2009

I have been married to my husband for 18 years. I married him right out of highschool. He was the love of my life. Then three years ago our world fell apart. He became psychotic. It was gradual and slowly got worse. He was good at hiding it. The first episode was directed at me, the second at his work. It has been two years. His work complains that his meds make him to "spacey". So with doctor he cut down by half. Now four months later he has had another bad episode. He is in the hospital again. His only way to stop the paranoia etc.... is to stay on the full dosage. If he does that he will lose his job. He is a zombie on the med. He is not a husband or a dad to our three kids. He is a zombie. I don't know what to do. I love him, but I am tired of taking care of him and everything else. I am tired of him putting our children through this, and I don't know what we will do when he loses his job. I work full time, but don't make enough to support us. I have no help at all. I am ready to give up.

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FOTL

11/ 3/09 12:44pm

What med is he on? I was on Zyprexa and it made me into a zombie- and I didn't take it some times because there was no noticeable effect. Geodon and more recently Abilify have helped me without making me into a zombie. Have you and your husband thought about switching meds?

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Right now, your husband is going through a really bad time- you need to love him. I know it may be tough, but he is still the same man- but you guys should see about changing his meds.

Mike

FOTL

11/ 3/09 12:53pm

In my previous comment, I forgot to mention disability. Your husband is most likely a candidate for SSD- which is about $925 a month (for me at least- your husband might collect more because he has children). You guys should apply ASAP- it takes a while to take effect.

Again, be strong. You can and will make it through this.

11/ 3/09 1:22pm

Thank you for the advice. Yes he is on zyprexa. The Geodon didn't work before. They are talking about changing his meds. Yes he is always in a bad place. And I really don't care anymore. I have put up with this for three years now. All I care about are my kids. Like you said disability at the very soonest is 6 months. I have to figure out how to take care of them. The doctor said last time the only reason he recovered so well was because of me and the help I gave him. But I can't do that again. My kids are what are important. He is in a hospital getting his hand held and talking about his feelings, while I am working and trying to help my kids get through this. I have no one to help me, he has all the help he needs. I am sick and tired of hearing about poor Kelly....this does not just effect him. And I am tired of people thinking that.

11/ 3/09 1:22pm

Anonymous

11/ 3/09 1:46pm

I can relate to your story completely. My husband also has been struggling for way over a year trying to get him stable with his medicine. THe only one that has worked the best is Clozapine - but you need weekly blood draws because of the side effects. He is right now close to hospitilzation again, but this has helped the most for the longest. He is also on other medicines but this is helping the most. I also have 3 kids and work full time and do all for them and am tired, so I know what you go through, but each day I just hope that it will get better and take time out for myself. I have recently joined an area gym and started excercising, that has helped, and am looking into support groups and have a therapist just for me. THis has all helped me and I recommend this for you too, you need you time. My husband can not work and is on disabilty - it took 9 months - but was worth it in the end and now we are ok money wise - so start the process and hope for the best. Keep strong for you kids and take some you time!!

11/ 3/09 2:18pm

You are a better person than i. I have fought this for three years. I am tired, I am done. He is on his own. I can't afford therapy. I don't know what I am going to do to keep a roof over our heads. Our insurance is with him. I am a runner. I run four miles every day, so exercise is not an issue for me. He is the one that should be exercising.

Geez, my life is so screwed. How am I ever going to fix this for my kids? God, i hate life. I appreciate the support, but really what good does it do? We still have screwed up lives, talking about it doesn't change a thing.

Good luck to you and your children. Just don't put his sickness ahead of them. They are the innocent ones in all this. If it wasn't for my children I would have given up sooner. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be stuck with him. Double edged sword. God, I wish I was dead. I am so tired of this crap.

Carol

11/ 3/09 11:03pm

I totally understand what you are going through. It is all about my husbands illness too, what he is going through. I feel like I lost my best friend. My husband cant work either because of his violent episodes, on a daily basis. You will make it through this, I firmly believe that. I am in the same situation as you. Stay strong, for your children, for your husband, and for yourself. I know, you feel like you lost yourself along the way. Your living a hell that only you and people like us, can understand. I will pray for your family and please pray for mine. We chose for better or worse, and this is the worse, stand by your man. Carol Ann

Adam's mom

11/ 5/09 2:05pm

Contact your local chapter of NAMI. There is help. There is hope. Don't give up. Get support. You need to take care of yourself so that ou are available to your family.

Where are you located? There are people who get it. You need to find them. Has your husband had a full physical. Sometimes in adults, it can be another health issue such as thyroid. Don't give up. Keep coming back here. We will see you through this.

11/ 5/09 3:34pm

Thank you for the concern. I am in kansas. There really isn't anything anyone can do. They are going to try a new med called Invago. They believe he is schitzoaffective? I guess. They will start that today, if that doesn't work he will go back on the Zyprexa. Does anyone know about this medicine Invago? Right now he is really locked up in himself. The tv talks to him, cars are after him.....that sorda thing. I call him once a day and try to be upbeat for him. I don't want to make him worse by adding any stress about the kids or me, etc...I am just tired. Tired of fighting this. He gets better, he gets worse, back and forth. He will most likely lose his job. I want my kids to grow up in a normal home. His family is useless. They are in denial and won't acknowledge his problem or help us in anyway, even though they have alot of money. My parents are dead. They died in a car wreck five years ago. My one brother lives in another state, my sister is in college and my other brother is busy with his own family. My other brother died of an accidental overdose 14 months ago. I am on my own. They try to be there for me, but there isn't much they can do. I am just tired. Tired of pretending to my kids that everything is going to be fine, tired because I only sleep about four hours a night and I pop provigil to stay awake for work, tired of life being ok for a few months and then something comes and bites me in the ass. Thank you all for listening to me whine....

Christina Bruni

11/ 5/09 11:05pm

Hello ab,

I understand you have been stretched to your limit.

Others who have been in your shoes have offered support.

I will approach your SharePost from the medical aspect.

As you are not willing to seek support via NAMI or another family support group (if I read you right you feel talking about it won't help or that you simply don't want to talk about it), I'll stick to your question about the medication. I had a friend on Zyprexa and that drug did not help him at all. He was switched to Invega (what I believe you're referring to when you say Invago). Now everyone's situation is different and a drug that works for one person might not work for another person. However my point is, he and another person I've talked with noticed great improvement with Invega. I would hope your husband finds similar relief if he is placed on this drug.

Lastly: if your husband had a job that paid well, he will possibly get a disability check that is quite decent based on his prior income.

Should you change your mind, you can call the NAMI hotline at (800) 950-NAMI (6264) to find the name and number of the local affiliate in your area.

Regards,

Christina

11/ 6/09 10:30am

Thank you for the information. I went to see him yesterday and was already much improved. So I am optimistic that this new drug may help. He was also not zombie like either. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop as they say, but so far so good. How does one apply for disability and how do you survive while you wait the months for it to start?

Christina Bruni

11/ 8/09 7:51pm

Hi ab,

Log on to the social security website to find the office in your city or town. He also may be able to apply over the phone. You can call social security at (800) 772-1213 between 7 am and 7 pm to speak with a representative.

Regards,

Christina

becky12377777

11/ 6/09 3:05pm

I am a scizophrenic paranoid type.I live with my two kids whom I take care of by myself.Just got through taking care of my dad who passed away in Feb. of this year and lost my job cause of a lay off.I have never been married because of chose.But marriage is better or for worst isn't it?Maybe try different doctor with different meds.The first meds I took made me spacey and alot worst off than what I was in there for.It was abilify.It made me see all kinds of stuff.This is a controllable disease but these episodes can make the disease worst my friend so I advise you to try a different approch.And alot of prayer wouldn't hurt at all either.Don't ever give up!Three kids a marriage this is worth keeping.Just trust the Lord WILL take care of ya'll.Now it may get worst before better though.Alot of these people are just thrown to the dogs period and they are still humans.My grandma was really bad.She burned herself up and all.We had to care for her.When I got sick it really hurt my mom cause her mom tried to kill her when she was first born and had to stay in Millegeville GA for ten years.Just find a different route and give him alot of love cause that is what we need.

11/ 6/09 5:35pm

Thank you for all the info. The invega seems to be helping, but it is still to early to tell. They also have him on zyprexa, but they are weaning him off of it. He is quite tired and zombie today. He will stop taking the zyprexa tonight, then they will watch him to see how he does for the next couple of days. If that works great, if not they will start adding zyprexa again or something else. So in other words we will play the medicine game. I am glad you are doing well. And I hope you are able to find another job soon. It is to soon to say what will happen with Kel and his job at this point.

Marriage is suppose to be through good and bad. I have been married for 18 years. However, I have certain standards I need in my life to function. I need stability, calm, happy environment for my children. They are more important to me than Kel. He is an adult. I have to take care of them first. He being in and out of hospitals, erradic behavior, loss of income all the time,etc.... is not providing them with what they are I need. I know it is not his fault, but life is not fair. At this point if we can get things figured out and be able to function like a "normal" stable family, I have no problem with him coming back. I have loved him and taken care of him for the last three years. But I also work, take care of three kids, and do all the functions needed to run a household. There is no one to help me. But even if he gets better this time, he will likely relapse again, and again and again. Each time he does it takes weeks to get him back up and going. Then I am always at a constant worry about when the next episode will strike.

As for my feelings for him, that I cannot control. After three years of pure hell, I don't feel anything for him. How can I? He is not the person I knew. He is totally different, I resent him for something he can't help and I am tired of feeling old when I am not. As for God, no thanks. Praying has never produced any results for me. Besides what kind of God would be so cruel to allow people to suffer this way.....Everyone has their limit, and you can think of me as a selfish hag and that is fine, but believe I have done everything for him and my kids. I am just tired.

becky12377777

11/ 7/09 11:54pm

Bless your heart woman.I can see where you are coming from.I was mad at God too for along time seeing my pop sufficant this year with COPD.I have always lived at the same place for 34 years now just moved beside my folks so yes we were really close.I have never been married so on that sort of shuts me out anyways.But I did love my sons dad and really have grown up with him.When I got with him he had a motor cycle wreck on a laydown bike without a helmet and hit a cobult pipe and fly air born for a few feet.He was bleeding out his eyes,nose,mouth,and anyways he broke his back too.He was in ICU for awhile and I went everyday to see him out of state but I was young then ya know well anyways he had to learn to walk again and was in a body cast and had half his skull gone . The first day of his walking he just pulled his stuff out and went down the hall with that body cast and boxer shorts and still a missing skull he was going home and hell he was gone ,he was out in the parking lot and said take me the hell home or I am walking.So I drove him home and almost went to jail over that well anyways he was really bad off even mentally for awhile but he is doing good mentally now and never got a plate put in his head and sawed the body cast off too.Faith and knowing without a doubt he can do it.I am a miracle,my mother was a miracle with her brain anyresm (however you spell it)and one in her main artery in her leg,My pop the first time time sick,I have seen them all my life.You do need a break girl.This is bad on you as a person doing this alone.My sis talks crazy about her father in law with one leg who is a complete well I won't say.No I don't think an old hang now that is crazy.YOU JUST NEED A COMPLETE BREAK FOR AWHILE!tHIS IS BAD ON YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH TOO!Trust me my sis has some really aweful thoughts.I hate to see that happening to someone.And I know it freaks the kids out cause when I had an episode I try to cut my hand off right in front of my son.I have to live with that.He is my first and only for 10 years so we are really close but that put on strain on the relationship.I have a daughter that is young well my kids are 10 years apart.I lost my job in Dec.2008,I lost my dad in Feb.2009,I have already went through bankruptsy and now drawing but have to scrouage around for money for the food half the time and now my dang furance is going out and I can't get it fixed and don't have money for the gas for the heat so everything is all up in the air so right now I am having issues myself.I have to turn somewhere it is an battle for me but at onetime I was sick for a year and really bad off.I turned where I needed to turn the first time now I need to again so I am conveniced on the faith thing it has all I have had to keep it together.But I have been bitter as hell for a year now too but have figured I am just causing this sickness upon myself.I really will be praying for you and you might have really let me learn something thanks.

11/ 9/09 8:35pm

To help some of the stress off of you, please go to the SRS office. They should be able to help you. The government just allowed everyone to get a YEAR of paid unemployment. You could get foodstamps, free medical, and see if you can qualify for disability. Good luck.

becky12377777

11/10/09 6:51am

I HAVE DONE TRIED THAT.Unless you are dark skinned in this town you don't get help.I get to draw unemployment Thank God!But as far as the other stuff they say I make too much money by two dollars.They count your child support as part of your income unless you go for a loan then it doesn't count.Oh I could go all freakin day on this.Disability is out of question cause I ain't disabled.Like I have said I am pretty much normal if there is such a thing.

They won't give me any help.I have done tried this.Unless you are hispanic here you receive no help.At least I am thanking God I get to draw unemployment.I am not disabled so that is out of the question too.I love working.And for me to be so scizophrenic it is funny how my visions have happened.Now try to explain that to a doctor.I will fuss to the end that I ain't all out there and I really feel as if I have a gift.But my family says that is part of the disease.Now if I make up things in my head how can they come try.Like my fathers death it went the exact way I told him 5 years ago.Now my family is tripping on all this.I still feel he would be alive if my family would have listened to me about his doctor coming in to tell him not to leave and the hospital doctor sent him home sick.After the third time my sis knew I was right and by then he was just sooo sick he couldn't get better.She called his doctor and gripped him out.Now I do have a self control problem with anger and habits but somethings I just don't consider a disease.I maybe literally split minded instead of what they call scizophrenia.Stubborn as hell maybe.To me this is a spiritual battle not a disease.It might truely be one for me.I will be alright no Christmas this year either now that bothers me cause of my kids.I have cut off a cataletic converter off an old car and been picking up cans maybe I can get some money today.The government even screwed me out of going back to school too but I will try again.Here in Dalton, Ga they have these carpet mills and this is what I know well,they pay good but wear your body parts out and send ya on your way.I do feel though in the middle of all this like I did the first time around I will find what I am looking for.I do have issues though alittle but it ain't nothing I can't deal with.When I say split minded I mean biblically like stubborn split minded people.I can wheel and deal and make alittle extra money I guess.We all go through crap sometimes to make us stronger people.As long as I keep my faith then we do alright it all comes out to the good as long as I don't let the worries come in.I won't believe I have something as such until I get a brain scan.Now my attitude makes my family upset but they are starting to see what is going on.I see what I see for reasons.I have had a whole freakin room of people just stop in like suspension and the spirit thing happen and I knew it wasn't no disease but I have listened to others and deceived myself.Like I said if I really am sick why does these visions come true?You wouldn't be able to tell something is even going on with me around me.I was sick at onetime but I do feel I have alittle wrong but it ain't nothing too severe maybe just burned out hehehe.All of us have a past where mine needs to stay.I just feel the devil has little time and wanting to trick whoever.See this is my everyday life a battle.This ain't the first time trust me been really bad off and got helped then too.Maybe I pray that your husband gets the right meds and can quit relapsing.That is what makes everything worst.I have never took that kind of medication but I was on risperdal along with prozac and somekind of pill like benedryl.Now, all I take is lexapro 20 mg.I am off of antipsychotics.They are hard to get off of cause they make your head feel like electricity going through it if you try to get off them.Like I said I got better over time if that was what was wrong.I am still alittle confused on these issues.I swear you and my sis need to talk sometimes it is good to vent.Well before she drives her self nuts with her father in law.You have a huge thing to carry and well it is hard to alone.

11/10/09 11:19am

The invega is working well so far. He is home now. And is going to the day hospital. He will do that for awhile and then we will see. I am sorry about the goverment not being able to help. I am sure you will find a job soon. It just takes time. Good luck...

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