My Son is gone again

By Sheri Thursday, May 07, 2009

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I am worried again I thought things were getting better but I feel like the meds arent working on my son. He left yesterday morning and hasnt come home it is 11:35 am. I have tried to call him but he doesnt answer his phone and when I call back he has turned his phone off. I asked him what he was going to do he said community service he told me he has been spending time at the homeless shelter again. I really dont know what to do at this point. I give him his meds they are the disolving kind so i know he cant spit them out so I know he is taking them. I am at my wits end I got him an appointment at mental health but it is not for another 2 weeks.

I was wondering if someone could help me? Is there a way that I can take over his decisions for him like make me his guardian? he blows all of his money he doesnt pay his bills and he is suppose to give me money for living here but that isnt working out. If there is a way to do it please let me know what I have to do.

Signed

Very Worried Mother

Comments (17) | Add comment

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

5/ 7/09 7:51pm

Hello Sheri,

I will research the guardianship angle and get back to you.

If you are in the tri-state New York City area, I will try to find the name of an attorney.

Regards,

Christina

Sheri

5/ 8/09 12:19am

I am in Oregon I thank you so much Christina I really dont know what else to do. He is still not home I am so worried about him. Im ready to lose my mind.

Anonymous

5/21/09 1:40pm

I have looked out for my son who has Schizophrenia since the age of 22yrs old, we do not know if it was an illness that he would have got or if it was his misuse of various drugs espescially the Cannabis, he was hospitalised for a number of years in which I visted every other day, it was me that got him sectioned and it was the hardest thing that i have had to do.

To cut a long story short he did occasionally smoke the Cannabis but that only made his illness worse, eventually we got him out the hospital and was living with us for 2 years, then we got accommodation so that he was loving independantly, he is now most of the week living on his own and comes through to me as i am an hour away from him.

If his illness is bad he usually comes through to me, in saying that he has just phoned and said that he doesnt feel good so in fact he is on the treain to come through for the night.

What I am trying to say is that all you can do is be there and when he is ready to try and seek help he will.

The system is wrong as well, on numerous occasion when my son wanted to go into hospital as the medication wasnt working as it is trial and error all the time till they get on one that helps them deal with their illness.

Isobel.

Sheri

5/21/09 6:53pm

Hi Isobel thank you for writing me I appreciate your story. I understand what you are saying I have had to do that for myself it is really hard to pull away and let them be. I have not heard from my son for 2 weeks now he missed his mental health intake appointment his cell phone is shut off for not paying the bill so I have no way of getting a hold of him. We did figure out that he is still going to the bank to get money out so he does still have a little money left, so at least we know he is still alive and around. by we i mean his grandmother and me. We drove around yesterday trying to see if we could find him, I told his grandma that he is not going to be where we can find him right now we are just going to have to wait for him to come to us. So it is funny that you said that today in your post. We did file for the involeneery commitment and we went down to the SSI office to take him off as the payee on his check they granted it they just need us to write a statement saying why he is not fit to handle his money. I really appreciate all of your comments to my posts it really helps me get through this a little easier.

Sheri Jakeman

Scared for son

Anonymous

5/21/09 7:27pm

Hello Sheri,

My son is now 38, all kids are different so I dont want your son to get agitated and then he might take it out on you, Paul got to pretty low level and frightened and asked for help, he knew that I was dead against drugs and had told him for years that cannabis was causing his illness etc and as long as he was using i was not going to have anything to do with him (that was another thing that was very difficult for me to do), you have to find out if he is using or not?, I have found out that over the years visiting Paul in hospital and speaking to the patients most have used drugs and some are still using.

Paul came in the house tonight and said that he had met a guy that was hostital with him a few years ago and said that a guy that was in the hospital with them had died,he was still using drugs, which is really depressing but mental health and drugs together is lethal

Paul was about 30 yrs old when he stopped the cannabis, occasionally trying it again and ending up in hospital again but now he doesnt that i know of do it.

The reason i am replying so soon as this is my first time on this site and first time Ive replied to anyone and if your son is not ready to get help and still in control of some of his life he might not take to you stopping his money?, only you will have an idea of how he would feel.

Also my sister is a teacher in Social Care and her Husband a Lecturer in Phsycology, so any time I was unsure of what to do I would phone them to make sure I was doing the right thing, it is never easy to say the least.

Isobel.

Sheri

5/21/09 9:21pm

Yes I understand of course before I took the route of taking over his money I had talked to mental health about it and how he is just blowing it. they had said it might be a good idea to take control. I know my son if he has no money comming in he will come home. But with this illness who knows it is a sit and wait thing and that is all I can do at this point. As far as I know he isnt doing drugs anymore but with him being sick again he very well could be. Thank you again

isobel

5/22/09 7:55pm

Hello Sheri,

Hope you are doing okay as sometimes our lives are harder than our siblings and you are coping okay?,

Isobel.

Sheri

5/22/09 10:53pm

I am doing as well as can be expected with all that is going on. Im so sorry I just read what I wrote before and it sounded so harsh, I am just at my wits ends with this I feel like I need to be hospitalized at this point it is making me crazy. I really appreciate all that you are saying to me dont feel like Im not please.

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

5/23/09 7:41pm

Hi Sheri,

I am sorry your son has not come back and at this point I want to echo anonymous's suggestion that it is possible your son may be doing drugs. You don't know this for certain, so I don't want to plant an idea in your head. When someone I know was abusing drugs he would run out of money and come begging for five dollars at midnight because he didn't have the toll to pay for the bridge home.

I wondered if you lived in New York City, I had the name of an attorney so because you do not I have a suggestion.

You may want to contact your local NAMI in Oregeon to see if they know the name of an attorney who could help you get guardianship if that is still a concern of yours.

The lawyer who talks to the crowd at NAMI-Staten Island talks about estate planning and special needs trusts, so if you lived near here, I thought you could call him and see if he does guardianship matters.

So perhpas NAMI-Oregon knows of an attorney.

However, I agree with the other comments about giving your son enough rope to learn from his mistakes, because if you bail him out repeatedly he will not learn. We only learn the hard way. Nothing that comes easy teaches us a lesson.

Regards,

Christina

Anonymous

12/ 8/09 8:50am

Our family has gone through our son being sick for a couple years, he just totally stared changing at about 16 years old, he is now 22, always lived at home but he was recently diagnosed as schitzophrenic, we spent a year of hell in this house with him, hearing voices, breaking things like doors and everything you can think of. Walking around with knives and locking doors and thinking people were out to get him, he eventually just quit talking to people just walked around with a strange look in his eyes, he started drinking alcohol like crazy which only worsened the situation. He got three drunk drivings through the years and doesn't even know how he got them. He use to be a happy, fun loving, athletic , wonderful kid and he just changed. It finally took us calling 911 twice in one day to get him emergency detained, he had two court dates the first one failed the second one put him in a mental institution, he is now in a county home that is trying to help him caue he was commited for six months. They are not getting to far with him, he is on a med called invega, he will not and has never admitted he is ill, he thinks everyone else is. He is a very sick guy and we love him so much, he has had very good family support but we are leery about ever having him come back home because of all the damage he has done and the stress caused and the violence etc. He is like a lost soal. It is very sad and I don't think there are any miracles for this illness. I just wish I could have my boy back. I feel sorry for anyone going through any similar situation, it is the hardest thing. I so wish there was a cure. People that live this know what it is truley like and it is sometimes hard for friends and other people to realize what you all live through.

Sheri

12/ 8/09 11:00am

Wow I was reading this and felt like it was my son I was reading about. I am so sorry you have to go through this as well. My son has been in the hospital for 4 months now for the first two months he refused to take meds but they have him on abilify and it seems to be working, he seems like my son again and wants out of there so bad now that he is feeling good again, we try to tell him that they dont want to release him to early incase there is a relaps. He has a 5 yr. sentence from the courts that is from my son stealing 3 dogs one dog was taken twice I am so glad that the judge acknowledged that he did need to be in the hospital he never would have survived jail. This time of year is so hard for him he wants to be home so bad. He is doing so well that they are putting him in the ward where he will get his on and off grounds privileges so we can acually meet at a restaraunt. It is so sad that our kids have to go through this as your son mine is one of the most caring and loving person and I know I will never have him back fully. I am so thankful for this site were I know I can talk about this and nobody will judge.

Anonymous

12/ 8/09 7:26pm

to sheri, was so nice to have someone respond to my letter, always feel so alone even though I have family and friends, everyone does not really understand what we or our sons have gone through,unless they live it themselves. It is so hard to think you brought a child into the world and he has an illness, you spend time blaming yourself for giving him or her some kind of bad genes and times you think should he ever been born? But of course my answer is I would not give him up for the world I just wish life could be good to him, he does not deserve this and never did anything really bad to deserve it. I pray for you and your son also and it is nice to have someone to write to and not judge, and by the way my name is barb. I am learning through counselors and psycologists etc, that this is a very hard thing to deal with and it is a life long illness, but it can be controlled. But the hardest part is getting the person to realize he is ill and not being comdemed, that only people want to help them. Thanks again so much for replying.

Sheri

12/ 8/09 7:56pm

Barb you are so welcome Ifelt the same way when people started responding to me on here also. This was my sons second bout with this disease and we were told that it was going to be worse than the first time and it was 20 times worse he did things I never thought my son could ever do, but since this was the second time I was able to recognise the symtoms and tried to tell him he was getting sick again but he did not want to listen to anything I had to say about it he would say I am fine maybe your the one that needs meds not me. When he started getting arrested and doing things he normally wouldnt do is when he realized it was comming back and called his counselor and told her that he needed to go to the hospital we got him back on his meds but that didnt last very long because he was starting to feel better again and stopped taking them. after the last arrest he spent 2 weeks in jail and we finally got his lawyer and counselor to get the judge to commit him. I thank God that he agreed he is the only thing in my life and would really hate to lose him. you can get ahold of me anytime on here I also thank you for listening to me it is nice to have someone to talk to. I do have his Grandmother to talk to and she has gone through this along with me if it wasnt for her I dont know what I would have done she has been my strength. God be with you and your son. I will also pray for you and your son.

Anonymous

12/ 8/09 10:08pm

I am getting ready for bed but came on here to see if you saw my response I told my husband all about you and how I found this place to write and he almost cried. It has been very hard on him, our son is our only child together in my second marraige so kind of our baby. I have three older kids that have lived this too and they are so suportive to their younger brother. Some of the things you wrote in your last reply sounded so much like my son too. Where they say I am fine maybe you need the meds. Oh my God my son has said that to me so much. He has ran out of money and smokes cigs like crazy and he use to use his credit card and debit card with no money left and I would try to cover things for him. My husbans job right now is bad and his employer even bounced his payroll checks and is three behind and we lost our health insurance and dealing with our son on top of it is stress beyond belief. But that is another story, I just don't understand in the long run what can be done for them if they can't admit they are that sick and I have read that if the meds start working they will go off them because they think they don't need them anymore, so do our lives and theirs have to go on like this forever? I wish there was something like the jerry lewis telethon that raised money for people like our kids to find cures or something. Well I guess I talked enought tonight. So take care barb

Sheri

12/ 9/09 11:03am

I am so glad that you have a supportive husband in most cases the man is the one in denial because they never want to admit that there kid could have such a desease. It was my man that figured out that my son was sick. My son is my only child it is hitting me so hard and to see him in the mental hospital is so very hard but I know it is the best thing for him. He acknowledges that he has a desease he refers to it as losing his mind. I am so scared that when they finally do release him that we will be going through the same thing that we just went through. I am not working right now due to back problems im sure it has alot to do with my son being so sick, it has taken its toll on me to. Yes we will have to deal with this for the rest of our lives it scares me I think about what is going to happen when I am no longer here who is going to take care of him. well I will let you go for now.

Anonymous

12/25/09 1:18pm

Hi from barb, I know this response is a ways down the line from last letter but just wanted to tell you merry christmas and hope all is well. We are going to go visit my son today in the place he is staying, he gets to come home for a visit with all my kids tomarrow for the day. He seems to be doing better but is still a long road. The place he is at is just great, they are doing everything to help him in his life, so when he is out he may have a place of his own but will be on socail security and stuff. But still a long road as I said. Well again hope you and yours are having a good christmas I know life is hard but guess we have to be happy for what we do have. love barb

Sheri

12/25/09 2:43pm

Merry Christmas to you also I am just getting ready to leave to go see my son and then we are off to go see my boyfriends daughter and the grandkids up in Washington State. We are thinking that he will be in the hospital for another six months atleast. I'm so glad your son is doing well. We all just need to keep a special look out for our kids. Merry Christmas again. bye for now

Love

Sheri

My Son is gone again

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