I'm setting out to write a short entry, but what this will end up is what this will end up. I am experiencing insomnia, something that I experience rarely. I think this is one of the side effects of abilify, which I recently added.

The new medication is great- my spirits are high and I'm as sharp as I was before I developed sz. People are now remarking that I'm back to my old self. I think it's worth a night or two of lost sleep and occasional nausea. I'm also noticing that I have less of the negative symptoms of SZ. I think that may be because of the antidepressant qualities of abilify, but I'm not too sure.

I finished my essay and it was good. I think that I'm probably going to get something around an A on it. I hope that I don't have to eat my words. More work has come in- someone found my website on google and wants me to shoot their 1st anniversary with their girlfriend. I'm glad- it's another $150  cash in my pocket. I'm starting to save money now, which has been difficult with both SZ and a camera habit. I'm currently giving any extra money I make to my aunt to hold on to. I think that that's a good idea. I'm bad with money- as soon as I earn it, I spend it. Chalk it up to a combination of photography and SZ.

I have the full photography kit that I want for now. The only way I'll buy anything more is if I get some grant money for my project, which is far from happening. I'm going to try to get in touch with an acquaintance that is high up at Purdue Pharma, who is also a patron of the arts. I don't know if he'll be interested in my project- because Purdue doesn't manufacture any medications for mental illnesses. It's worth a try regardless- the worst things that can happen to me is that I'll get rejected.

I miss having a girlfriend. I haven't had one since I had a 3 month relationship with a 6'3" french art student. I've had various flings since, but nothing remotely close to how serious Astrid and I have gotten. The stigma attached to mental illness makes it difficult to find someone suitable, and my school is full of girls who I'm not remotely emotionally interested in, but I think that given some time and more photography classes, I can find someone who I like that likes me for who I am. I'm not sure whether I'm capable of maintaining my current zen-like state while within a relationship, but I think I will be capable. Every girl I have had any relationship thinks I was amazing and that I've spoiled them within my means. I don't think much of that- all I did was show love by my actions, whether that be making breakfast in the morning, cleaning her dishes, giving her a sensual backrub, or holding the door for her. I try my best when I'm within a relationship, because that's what I expect of myself. 

Mental illness is part of my life. Reducing stigma and promoting understanding is nearly an obsession with me. I function with the understanding that because of my mental illness, I have a moral obligation to make things better for myself and other people with mental illnesses. I sometimes wonder that if there is a god, whether he or she gave me SZ with a reason and an intention. I think that my role in life is to do good for the marginalized people who have been born under similar circumstances to myself.