English is my second language, i'm sorry for the mistakes. My brother is schizophrenic, he is 31 years old. We are living with his illness from his 20 years old. The problem is he does not work and when he does, he spends the money in one minute. So I paid medicine, food, clothes and rent. The other problem is he sells everything he have, which at this point is almost nothing, today he sold the last cell I bought, a Tracphone, now I decide I'm not running after him anymore, I'm not taking care of my family, running after him, he is too demanding always, and I can't afford to buy again and again the same items, like now another cell phone. I'm feel tired and frustrated, my mother is 72 years old, still working, my husband is working 3 jobs, and my brother does nothing. Everyday I'm going to his apartment with food, clean clothes and the medicine, everyday, but today I feel desperate, I can't do it any more. Can somebody talk to me, tell me what I can do, please!!! Thank you. Ely
i'm angry and confused
Hello Ely,
I am sorry to hear of your problem which you so clearly wrote about.
Please understand, I care about you and your brother, so that is why I'm going to be direct and honest in my response. I want only the best for both of you.
I believe that your brother is abusing you, and that has nothing to do with the schizophrenia. The illness isn't causing his behavior. I know plenty of people with schizophrenia who treat their families with love and respect. Your brother hasn't given you any respect.
My suggestion is that you stop "enabling" him. "Enabling" is a word used in the English lanaguage to describe what happens when one person enables another person to act a certain way. It is commonly a term used when a person abuses drugs and his loved ones "enable" him to behave in an unhealthy way. Even though you haven't mentioned a drug addiction, and even though your brother is not using drugs [at least, not that you know of], I feel that what you are doing is "enabling" him to continue to treat you poorly.
No, no, no, I am NOT in any way blaming you for his behavior or saying you have control over it. I'm simply explaining the term to describe what is going on, because once you see what is going on, you can change it.
The first step is, why does your brother need a cell phone? I worked five years at a good job, paid my own rent, took public transportation, traveled throughout the U.S., and NEVER ONCE did I need or require a cell phone. A cell phone is not always necessary.
Your brother has taken advantage of you, and you know this, and you are looking for some solutions. I'm sorry if you won't like what I'm about to say: stop funding your brother's irresponsible lifestyle. Cut out all the money you give him.
When someone with schizophrenia has been acting the way your brother acts, it often gets a lot worse before it gets better. The fact that you said he sells to other people the items you buy him leads me to believe that maybe he is doing drugs and needs the money to buy them. Unless, of course, he's taking the money he gets and buying other things, like clothes or food.
The bottom line is, the longer you cook and clean for your brother and give him money and free things, he will have no desire to change his behavior. It will also keep him disabled. What will happen after you die? He will be in no position to care for himself.
It will be hard for you to quit giving him money, because after all, you're his sister and you love him and want the best for him. It will be hard for you to stop cooking for him and buying him things. But the fact is, a 31-year old adult should be able to cook for himself and function on his own and support himself.
Right now, you don't have a life. You don't have a life of your own. Your life is spent catering to your brother, and you have no time for yourself.
I urge you to reconsider funding his irresponsible lifestyle. If he can't keep a job, and you don't pay his rent, he will either "wise up" and start to act responsibly, or it will get much worse for him. You can't let the fear of what will happen to your brother cause you to keep paying his bills. He will learn the hard way. Right now, why should he change his behavior when you're giving him a free ride?
I feel for what you're going through because it happens to a lot of family members whose loved ones have schizophrenia. You need to stand tall, be strong, and have the courage to deal with whatever happens in the future.
You can do it.
Regards,
Christina
Dear Christina,
Right at this moment I feel like you went inside my heart. It hurts, but I know in some way what you just told me. For a long, long time I was feeling desperate
without any hope and guilty. The difference now is that you made me realize, that I'm not helping him and I want to help him! I don't know how long it's going to take to begin to give the first step, but I know with your help that you just gave me one day I will do it. I never will forget you. Thank you and God Bless You!
LOVE, ELY
Hello, Ely,
Glad that Christina has already given you her wise advice.
It is a very hard situation because as you say you naturally want to help your brother. Still as you too well know these short term measures just sustain a very inappropriate and unhealthy set-up for you and your family, and drain emotionally and financially, self perpetuating.
Some of the features you describe suggest your brother has delusions of grandeur perhaps with his frantic overspending, and may be part of his illness. Can it be reassessed?
In any case you should not be your brother's keeper and you should not feel guilty.
Take a step back.
One thing, are you in USA or another part of the world?
Often people with serious mental problems need a professional supporter, so that issues such as meds, which you have been doing for your brother can be supervised, taking the burden off you. Would that be possible? If in the States Christina or otheres may have more suggestions of points of contact and support.
Good luck
Chris, retired doc (non psych)
UK
Family member with untreated psychosis.
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I am so sorry you are going through this! This disease hurts everyone who touches it. I have no advice. I'm sorry I can't advise you. I hope that someone on this site helps you.
Just know that I acknowledge your pain, anger and confusion. I think you have every right to feel this way. Are you your brother's keeper?
Sincerely
tinker/Dellea