DeeDee17

I had to write...
DeeDee
Saturday, March 21, 2009 at 05:36 AM

My husband is 34 and was diagnosed at 18. We have been married now for 6 years. I married him knowing full well about his illness. I can't say its been a bed of roses but life is good, today. It is alot of work to be married to him, and yes I sometimes wish I had not married him....like the days when he curses at me or is short tempered with our two beautiful girls. Over time it has been a roller coaster, and I accept that it will always be that way. I accept him as he is but when he can not make the rational choices, I make them. I read eveything about his illness and meds, talk to his theripist but don't ask about his sessions, look for red flags in his behavour, count his pills...hide nothing from him and tell him when I tink we need to go to the hospital and that I will make him go! I am in his face about his illness....Because I know that the man he is is worth it...I will fight this illness for him when he can't.... Yes I understand the feeling of no control...I hate the illness....I resent the illness.....but not him. But I also don't waste time feeling sorry for him...or me. And anger is useless without using it to improve things instead of tearing things apart.

That being said....we have had are share of problems aside from his illness (things that are made worse by his illness but not caused by his illness.) Because he is stable on his meds, we have been able to address those issues. I don't know if any of this helps but I guess what I'm trying to say is, the illness and the person are two seperate things. You can't make a choice about the person untill the crisis is past and you both have some healing. The strength my husband has shone in fighting his way back to me and out kids.....that's where I get my stength from. I admire him. I love him more then I hate paranoid schizphrenia. I just felt like I should write this because the things I read on this site seem to talk about all the bad...there will alwas be bad...its a incurable illness....it will never go away.....but when I look at my husband, whether its a good day or bad day....he is still in there. I want him to see I'm still there too.