About this time 31 years ago I had my first inpatient admission. Due in large part to my auditory hallucinations.

As I was thinking this morning about the voices I decided to write about it in a different light. Through the eyes of those around me..my family.

My family has never supported me in my illness or subsequent recovery.

The first day I heard a voice, I knew something was wrong. Why didn't I tell anyone? My mother and father wouldn't do anything, so why bother? It's like when I had a cut or bruise the "family ideal" is "leave it alone it will go away." Another reason I didn't tell my parents was that I would have to explain my behavior. Doing that always ended in an heated arguement. SO why bother? No matter how much help I needed, nothing I could do would help. I didn't tell anyone about voices until I became physically sick.

I was told by the voices to lash out at my uncaring family. I did with a vengenace. I yelled and screamed at them. Dad would yell back. He would ground me..I would laugh at that and run out of the house. Mom never did anything, that made me lash out at her. I cursed, punched holes in the walls. What happened? Nothing, absolutely nothing! The voices loved this. They encouraged me to continue. Continue I did.

I had no one to turn to. Everyone I knew, knew nothing about my auditory masters. The voices liked it that way. The less that knew the better it was.

A little bit of what the voices said. "You are as worthless as your father. You are stupid and will never amount to anything. Kill yourself you worthless piece of crap. You are a prophet. You can make fire with your mind. You can read people's minds. You are Chad and Chad is you. No matter what happens to you we will be here for you. Pay attention you idiot."

Over the years I've heard many things. The voices are male and female and unknown. They lied, abused, promised things. I used to hear a spanish man (I have no idea what he said).  

Through all of this I never told a soul for many years. I was afraid to tell. The voices warned me not to.

For years people would ask "what do the voices say?" About three or four years ago someone asked a new question..."who are the voices?" WOW! I never told anyone who they were. Most of the voices I knew. They could be friends, family, tv celebs or movie actors. In fact as I write this I hear John Enos from that tv show "worlds dumbest."

I don't hear voices that often. I tell Margaret when I do. I am grateful that I can tell someone. Lord knows my family won't hear it.

At the end..the battle of voices continues. I have the upper hand. I know how to expel them from my mind. No voice will EVER control me again.

David