Being a Schizophrenic Parent

By private Wednesday, November 21, 2007

- A
- A
- A

Hi, I am currently learning more and more on schizophrenia. I have a questions for some of the individuals living with schizophrenia and caregivers of schizophrenia. My daughter's biological father was dx with the illness in 2005. He has not been in her life since she was 2 and she is now 10. She has no clue who he is and according to associates that know him, they say that he is not taking his medications on a regular basis and also doing illegal drugs, arguing with imaginary people. His parents whom he lives with are asking for visitation. (they have not seen her since she was 2 as well) I can not lie, I do not want this because she has built a very father-daughter relationship with my husband who has raised her since she was 3. We are currently fighting this in court. (Trying to terminate his parental rights and let my husband officially adopt her) Wouldn't it be unsafe for him being a deadbeat dad and a paranoid schizophrenic who does not take his medication and does illegal drugs to be around my daughter who is a stranger to him as he is to her?

Comments (9) | Add comment

Robin Cunningham, Health Guide

11/24/07 5:47am

Hi Private:

Normally I would suggest that parents with schizophrenia should have visitations rights with their children.

In your case, however, I think the welfare of your child should come first. If she has found a father in your husband and doesn't really know anything about her biological father, I would be reluctant to allow him or his parents to interject their presence into her childhood. If he's taking illegal drugs and not his meds, I don't see how he could possibly be a positive for your daughter.

His parents might not have an adverse effect, UNLESS THEY INSIST ON TELLING HER ABOUT HER BIOLOGICAL FATHER. My guess is, however, that's exactly what they will want to do.

I think you should persist. Don't let force their way into your daughter's life.

Be prepared thought. If they ever do get access to your daughter she might react badly to the fact that you have not told her the whole story of her origins. Still, I would try to keep them out.

Robin

Anonymous

11/24/07 11:59am

Thanks Robin for your comment. :) In my defense, my daughter does know that my husband is not her "biological father" and I have never told her biological father that he could not "be a father" he chose not to be one. I was just curious are you an expert (because you definetly sound like one) or were you ever dx with sz or a family member of someone who was dx with sz? Thanks again.

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

11/29/07 2:19pm

Hello anonymous,

I've posted a comment with my gut feelings about what's going on.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Best wishes,

Chris

Anonymous

12/20/07 11:58am

I am going through the same thing but I have two children. One is not even his daughter. He is apparently complaint with his meds but he still gets paranoid and very dillusional, he is just very good at convincing others he is well. One of them came home with marks saying that daddy did it. My eldest who is 9 says that he is scared of him killing me and hurting him. The courts are going overboard about being "pro Father" that there is nothing we can do here. I hope your childrens situation is much better than ours.

Anonymous

11/24/07 12:11pm

Another problem I have with his parents wanting visitation with him living there is the fact that friends and family members informed me that he is very much out of contact with reality and arguing with the voices that he hears. I am sure that my daugther would not understand and she would be horrified with this and him being a complete stranger (by chose). How do you deal with that as a family member?

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

11/29/07 2:15pm

Hello private,

Stick to your guns! I fear the biological father's visitations could do more harm than good. I would question his intent, and his family's intent, in wanting to see your daughter after all these years.

If he is doing drugs, and lives at home with his parents, I can guarantee you his parents are "enabling" him and "co-dependents" in his drug use. There is no reason a parent should allow an adult son or daughter living in their home if that son or daughter is doing drugs.

I question his family's judgment on this sudden idea that they need visitation rights. Your daughter has a warm, loving relationship with your husband. She is a minor, though, and not an adult with the reasoning and capabilities to handle the demands of her biological father and his family.

You have every right to stand firm. When your daughter turns 18, that is the time to first consider visits.

I wonder, too, if your daughter's father is manipulating his parents in some way. A drug user is good at playing games to get his loved ones to enable him to use drugs.

May I ask how you found out he's doing drugs? Did his parents admit to this? That is the sure tip-off that you have every right to turn down the request.

I smell a rat. Enough said.

Respectfully,

Chris

Private's answer

12/ 1/07 4:32pm

Thank you Chris!! I smell a rat too. I found out that he was using drugs through his medical records. My daugther has a guardian ad litem for our termination of parental rights/adoption case and the guardian informed me that in his medical records there were such things as "out of meds for 2-3 weeks" "Non-compliance to program" "Drug Abuse counseling needed for patient" There was even a drug screen done and he tested positive for 2 different drugs!! After we go to court, I will tell you how it went, thanks again for the advice!!

ohokay

6/17/08 4:22pm

I am new to this site and so I just now came across this post, several months later. I wanted to leave a comment because I have a different opinion and perspective from the others.

First, do you know for sure that your daughter's father has used illegal drugs? Many times people with schizophrenia are accused of abusing illegal drugs based on thier behavior. It is difficult for many people to understand how someone could act schizophrenic and not be on drugs.

My father has schizophrenia, which I have always known as I was allowed to maintain a relationship with him throughout my childhood. I have always wished things were better for all of us, but I would not trade my childhood for anything. There were many downs, but overall I am grateful to have had the relationship with my father that I had. He was very loving towards me, not a great role model, but I think it was enough for me to know that he loved me unconditionaly. Yes, my situation did numbers on my childhood and my status as a child. I wish that I could have been more carefree, but on the otherhand, I do not think that it permanently scarred me. In my opinion, 10 is old enough to understand what is going on and why. Most 10 year olds could probably handle knowing about it. It probably would not be dangerous for her to know that her father has a hard time controlling his behavior and the reason that HE does not get to spend time with her is because he is not well enough at the moment. It is heartbreaking, but then again, it always will be. I don't see any reason to change things, if her father is not in the picture though, unless your daughter is the one who would like to get to know her biological father. I just don't want you to be terrified for no reason. What if her father does get stabalized on medication and actually does want to see his daughter? Are you going to hold it against him that he wasn't there for her in the past, whenever he really could not controll his actions? That is tough and I hope you will use your heart and your head when you make that decision.

I can also understand why you would not want her grandparents in her life, but I think that is a bad idea. Your daughter is getting old enough to decide for herself whether or not she wants a relationship with them. Of course it would be helpful if she knew them a little bit first. Maybe she could be allowed to visit them if they are willing to abide by your rules. Keep in mind that they only want what is best for their son and granddaughter. I know that must be extremely scary because they might have the idea that they can help them build a relationship. It might not be such a bad thing either. Of course, always use your best motherly judgement.

Please continue to learn as much as you can about the illness because there will come a time when you will need to be able to explain everything to your daughter.

MD in training

8/ 4/08 4:12pm

Good for you, nightmare's daughter, for a balanced response for the other side of the argument. I too have some sense that the biological father's involvement might not be as bad as some are making it out to be. With the caveat that he is sick, I think letting a child know that their biological parent struggles with some things that other people don't is completely healthy, and will actually assist that child to come to a fuller understanding of the world, perhaps even developing a stronger sense of compassion along the way. I think that it is entirely possible, given an appropriate level of structure, that visitation could work for everybody. And I also think that every child of a step-parent understands that their true father is the person who helps to raise them, not necessarily the person they are biologically related to, and that is also an important lesson for them to learn. Finally, I think the concerns about not taking medication and about illegal drug use, although valid, could certainly be addressed in an appropriately written visitation rights agreement. In fact, by doing so, it might also help the child's biological father to understand that he needs to make better decisions in order to maintain visitation priveleges. Which could be a win-win situation for all concerned.

Good luck, and clearly a difficult situation. You certainly have my sympathy as you wrestle with these questions.

Being a Schizophrenic Parent

Ask a Question