Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I have been trying to get better.while batteling bronchitits. I have been spending soo much time alone in my head. Trying to look on the bright side of things. I have let my dark side take control of my self in some in some ways by not taking my morning meds. In the begnning I was too sick. Then it was just easy not to take them. I started losing weight so it's hard for me to want to go back on them. I tell myself when I get worse I will resume them but so far nothing. I am already on one anti-psycotic and anti-depressent that I take why do I need two. I feel the other shoe won't drop. I will write in a week. I may be back on all my med's or not
I don't know if you have read any of my posts. I have referred several times to the fact I hate taking Zyprexa because of weight gain. I started at 93 lbs (I had always been small) and I gained to 186, exactly double my original weight, in just a few months. That was 1997. Since then, the struggle has been constant to find some kind of acceptable balance between taking Zyprexa and staying at a healthy weight. I don't want to weigh 93 again, just 135. I think that is reasonable.
However...I was hospitalized 18 times between 1995 and 2002 as a result of not taking the antipsychotic. Sometimes I would relapse in as few as 48 hours; sometimes, not for a couple of months, but it always happened sooner or later. Then I began to walk a thin line right on the edge of the relapse cliff. I would take just enough Zyprexa to keep me from relapsing, but hopefully not enough to trigger my appetite. And believe me, I know full well what Zyprexa does to the appetite. No one could possibly understand or even believe how constantly hungry it makes you. Ravenous hunger. Hunger that does not decrease no matter how much you eat. I mostly eat (binge eat) at night, perhaps because it is so embarrassing I can't stand for anyone to see me. They might think I was already fat, couldn't I just stop eating abnormally?
I finally got to 155 lbs about three or four months ago by taking 2.5mg of Zyprexa instead of 20mg. That was the lowest dose I could take and not immediately relapse and the highest dose I could take without it stimulating my appetite. But gradually I had to increase the dose back up to 20mg in order to remain sane. And now my weight is back up to 178.
Now some folks would say, "What's the big deal? You need the medicine? Take it. So what if it makes you eat so much and makes you sleep 12 hrs a day." But my blood pressure is high, my cholesterol is high, my thyroid function bottomed out, and I fear that diabetes will be next. To say nothing of the battle to maintain a fashionable wardrobe that fits. I like to look good. And it doesn't help that my mother is a fanatic about weight and calorie intake. She is 5' tall and weighs 105. And I live with her.
Sometimes I want to pull my hair out!!! No, a person's worth does not depend on his or her size, but there is a lot of stigma against overweight and a lot of stigma against schizophrenia. So I get it on two fronts.
If you have any insight, please let me know.
Carolyn
I understand where you are coming from. I have gained alot of weight. I am 225 5 2'. Seroquel makes me very very hungry. I eat also at night. I have tried going off my med's but that is not a wise decsion I have found out. The price of being sane is high on my body. I keep hoping they will come out with a new drug that won't have the side effects and also help me lose weight. (wishfull thinking on my part). Just know you are not alone in this battle for sanity where we scrifice our bodies.
Thanks for your reply. I may have found something that helps me keep from eating in the middle of the night (the only time I really overate.) I am taking 1.5mg of Melatonin to help me sleep better so I don't constantly wake up wanting food. Now I only awaken once or twice and then only eat a piece of fruit and can go back to sleep. Also my pdoc sanctioned taking only 75mg of Trazodone at night instead of 150mg and so I am not as sleepy during the day, and am more active. More able to exercise. I also started taking super B-complex vitamins which may account for some of my new-found energy. All of this helps. Now he has ordered Zyprexa Zydis (melts under your tongue) in hopes that it will be absorbed in my mouth and not in my stomach, and therefore lessen the chance that it will make me hungry. We'll see. It is ordered through the mail and has not arrived yet.
Of course, there is the chance I am hypomanic (slightly manic) as I go through that once every few years, but I am feeling extremely well physically and mentally. Whatever the reason, it is wonderful.
Carolyn