Struggling with Anxiety

Hello,

I'm new to Sharepost and have been doing a lot of research on my illness lately.  I'm really happy that I found this site. 

I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and according to my doctor, I most likely had this illness since I was young and never knew it.  I do however, recall getting really sick when I was about 7 and started severely hallucinating. I saw little people walking around the house, the reflection of my face in the toaster was that of a green skull.  A picture of my mom and dad was talking to me while I lay in bed.  I saw faces of people that I have never seen before in my mom's curio cabinet.  Images of my great uncle who passed away along with what appeared to be the last supper showed up on the walls.  I was in pretty bad shape.  In fact my temperature was so high that I remember my dad putting me in a bathtub full of ice a few times a night. 

Although the little people disappeared along with the images on the wall, the faces of the people in the curio cabinet did not until a few months later.  It's ironic that I never said anything to my family members about this since I thought they saw what I did.  And since they weren't acting any different, I didn't. 

I didn't hear voices through my ears but in my head.  I could see peoples faces and hear their voices talking to me.  Again, I thought this was normal and that everyone else experienced this so I didn't speak up.  

I was able to lead a normal life, i.e. have girlfriends, play little league baseball etc. after my illness.  Leading into my teen years, I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol.  I really loved the way alcohol made me feel as well as crank or crystal meth. 

To make a long story short, I was an abuser of both alcohol and crystal meth up until I was about to turn 40.  That's when my life turned around.  After abusing meth for the past 5 years or so, one night things started to change.  I was thought broadcasting, I believed that I was either Santa Claus, the devil or the second coming of Christ.  I believed the CIA were aliens from different planets and were trying to assassinate me.  Even though these beliefs were real to me, I continued to smoke meth thinking nothing was wrong.  Well after being awake for about 3 straight days, I managed to fall asleep.  I remember while I was sleeping hearing messages about the devil and god.  It was really intense.  The last thing I remember is hearing a voice asking me what I wanted to do with my life.  I answered and told this voice that I wanted to restart my life.   Immediately following this, I felt a huge pain in my chest that was so severe it made me conscious.  What happened next I had no control over.  All I remember was moving at a high speed down the stairs and hearing heaving breathing and seeing a red X that I believed I had to strike with my fist.  I swung as hard as I could toward this red X and made contact with my mom's rib cage.  Not knowing what was going on, I remember that my dad and brothers struggled to bring me down and contain me.