Struggling with Anxiety

By Rene Victor Friday, September 11, 2009

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The next thing I remember, I was in the emergency room under observation. I think the doctor gave me medication but I'm not sure. Shortly after I was released, my brothers drove me to a facility that I thought was just a place to sleep. Although I was in a psychotic state, I knew that they wouldn't let me go home because of what had happened. The facility turned out to be a detox center. I spent 2 days there and was tranferred to the residential rehab center. I spent 27 days in rehab and the whole time there I believed I was god, I had to complete the 12 steps of AA to save the world and if I drank alcohol or used meth again, there would be a nuclear holocaust. I can't believe that I didn't display any unusual behavior and was able to contain myself despite these thoughts.

After completing rehab, I spent 3 months in a recovery home and that's when my beliefs and thoughts started returning to normal. This was due to the Zxprexa that I was taking. Gosh, I'm writing a book here... My doctor decided to switch my medication because of the potential side effects from Zxprexa and put me on Abilify and Wellbutrin instead. That's when I freaked out completely. My anxiety level increased astronomically, I didn't want to talk, be around people, etc.

And that's what I'm struggling with today. Because of my anxiety, I was on SSDI for about 3 months but was so determined to work because I didn't want to live my life like that. Well today I'm working (2 years, I have a car, a driver's license and my life has completely made a u-turn). I've been clean and sober for almost 4 years but struggle from the negative symptoms of SZ - mainly severe anxiety. The ability to create voices and faces in my head is starting to diminish. I'm taking geodon, lamictal, celexa and Vistaril. I also take propanolol if needed.

It's been a tough road but I'm so determined to be "normal". There are days that I'm so anxious I wish I didn't exist. I know I have to continue to fight because if I went back on SSDI I would be a total mess - my racing thoughts would destroy me. I have a lot more to share but I'll stop for now.

Thank you for listening,

Rene

Good day

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Comments (6) | Add comment

David Robbins

9/12/09 5:47am

Rene,

Thank you for sharing with us.

I also have a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I hear voices and have since 1980.

I am also clean and sober 19 years on Sunday.

I hear to tell you that despite the voices and my addictions you can live a full life.

Journaling has helped me so much these last two years.

Feel free to journal here. This site is really good for support.

Peace,

Dave

Rene Victor

9/12/09 8:54am

Thanks Dave. I'm glad to hear that you've been able to stay sober and live a full life despite your challenges. I'll be sure to share more...

Donna-1

9/12/09 8:54am

I started having visions and talking to the devil when I was 10 yrs old, so I understand this can and does happen to children. I, too, told no one because I was afraid of being punished for talking to the devil. My family was devoutly religious and I thought that would be a sin. I never took llicit drugs or drank alcohol (thank God) but I had trouble with delusions and severe depression for years. Finally in my late 20's, I began to move inexorably toward full-blown schizophrenia and was diagnosed at 37.

Let me tell you -- I tried many mood stabilizers and antipsychotics and was hospitalized many times. The only thing that works for me is Zyprexa. Yes, I gained weight and was bothered by drowsiness for several years. Yes, I tried other meds a few times, but always went back to Zyprexa. Abilify and Geodon made me horribly anxious and agitated and I couldn't stand it. I couldn't live that way, so I agreed with my psychiatrist that it was best to return to Zyprexa. I started off at 40mg, which is a lot, and now adjust my dose as needed, usually between 10 and 20mg. All in all, the appetite and sleepiness finally settled down and are not a big problem anymore. I would encourage you to take Zyprexa if that is what makes you feel the best mentally. I also cannot sleep without it.

Recently, my pdoc says Zyprexa is causing "akisthesia" or constant restlessness, so he added Klonopin to my meds and said to try staying on 10mg of Zyprexa for a while. The Klonopin works wonders! It might help you if your doctor agrees to prescribe it.

I still look forward to a new medication some day that will not have the side effects of Zyprexa but will work just as well. I am 51 now and on SSDI and just began living independently for the first time in years. It is an exciting prospect!

Best wishes to you,

Carolyn

Rene Victor

9/12/09 9:00am

Thank you for sharing. Zyprexa worked really well for me too. I was really calm and didn't stuggle with the anxiety that I feel today. However, because of the side effects, I would rather stick with Geodon since it seems to be working ok. I'm taking Vistaril for my anxiety as well.

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

9/13/09 9:34am

Hello Naykizzo,

Congratulations on your turnaround and commitment to your recovery!

You have come to a place of support and encouragement and I'm sure you'll find this here as the four prior comments can attest. I will read them after I send my own comment.

You may want to read my SharePost about anxiety:

http://www.healthcentral.com/schizophrenia/c/120/36180/recovery-robin

that talks in detail about it. A lot of us diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizoaffective and related things can vouch for the fact that the anxiety is the worst symptom or manifestation of these illnesses.

I will be writing SharePosts in early October about my cognitive therapy sessions that I will start on Tuesday mornings this coming week to deal with my own worries.

It is my hope that as the Community Leader here I can yes, give people hope that they can have a good life. You may want to read my Profile and my SharePosts archives and read the SharePosts of the other community members to get an idea about living role models of hope for you.

Again welcome to the Connection.

Have a good Sunday!

Regards,

Christina

Rene Victor

9/13/09 1:03pm

Thanks Christina, that was an interesting article that I can totally relate to. Having an anxiety attack for no apparent reason is what I struggle with. I feel like I want to hide but there is no place to go.

Well, from what I've read there's always something that triggers it. I have to pay more attention to what causes this though. You know, being addicted to the medication (Vistaril) is one of my concerns. I try to avoid taking a dose when I have an attack. I think I broke down and took it twice - otherwise I'm always fighting.

Struggling with Anxiety

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