My bf and I have been going out for a while. He is supportive and kind but I am worried he may not understand what I have been through. For someone uneducated who gets their knowledge through the media and Hollywood, it would be scary if someone tells them they have schizophrenia. I have learnt that. People think I am dangerous or a nutter or insecure if I tell them. I was scared when I was first diagnosed. I would have been scared if anyone told me they had it. My lack of knowledge about the illness surprises me today. I thought of a typical psychopath who is a stalker and dangerous and thought horrible thoughts about myself having it. Before I even knew what it was. My partner wants kids eventually. I am worried about the effects of medication on the unborn baby and know I could not manage without them. Please help.
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Should I tell my new partner I am schizophrenic
3/24/09 12:56pm
Hi womanc,
I suggest that if you feel a level of trust has been established, you tell any long-term parnter you have, especially if there's talk of marriage. To not tell the person is to withold an important piece of information and then your marriage is a lie and you have to work hard to keep up the lie and you invest a lot of energy in maintaining the illusion of "normal."
There is no normal. People without SZ have all sorts of hang ups they bring into relationships. Every human being has a personality, quirks and idiosyncracies.
You talk of your partner wanting kids. More important than the decision to tell him about your diagnosis or not tell him, is for you to be clear and honest WITH YOURSELF if you do or do not want kids at some point in your life. The time to have the discussion about whether or not you want kids with your partner, is BEFORE you get engaged.
The decision to have kids is a personal one, and a lot of women diagnosed with SZ are willing to risk that their kids could develop the same medication condition their mother has. I decided, long ago, that I wouldn't have kids for exactly this reason.
At some point, if the guy you're seeing now has the potential to be a husband or at least a long-term partner, you have to bring up the SZ, and you have to have the discussion about kids should your partner make noises about getting engaged.
You have the choice in how much detail you go into about the SZ. But to be less than honest with a long-term partner is to lead that person on, and he will only feel that you led him on, once he finds out. This is not something to reveal as you're walking to the altar, and it's certainly not something to wait to reveal until after you have a ring on your finger.
Do it when you feel the time is right. Give your boyfriend, and most people, credit for being more open-minded than you think he is or they are. A lot of people's minds will be closed off permanently. However, if you let people get to know you as the great person you are, it IS POSSIBLE they will accept you.
I know, rejection hurts. However, if the guy you're seeing is someone you think is "the one," you owe to yourself, and to him, to be honest. Should he reject you, take all the time you need to feel poorly, and then move on. The guy who will love you FOR YOU, is out there. If the guy you're with now turns out not to be the one, you have other options.
Let us know how it goes.
Regards,
Christina
3/24/09 6:35pm
If you feel your relationship is getting serious, yes, you must tell your bf. How he responds will tell you a lot about his character. It may tell you also (as you said) what the media has put into his head. Tell him to ask you openly any questions and tell you any reservations he feels about a long term relationship and possibly children. I decided not to have children because of an abusive marriage and a long history of severe depression. I was married when I was diagnosed with sz, and my husband decided he did not want to be married "to a mental case," as he put it. You'd be surprised how people view those with a mental illness.
Best wishes,
Carolyn
3/24/09 7:30pm
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Telling people you have a MI is a hard decision. They are alot of people who, as you say, have thier view clouded by Hollywood and the media. Disclosing can have damaging effects. It can also be an eye opener. People react differently. I blog on my local newspaper ocassionally. One time I asked the question "Would you knowingly date someone with a mental illness?" One answer was "What a question! I vote you change it to "Would you knowingly date somebody with epilepsy/diabetes/mental illness?"
"And then, given the right chemistry etc., how could the answer be anything except YES?!"
The general public has a vague idea about SZ and other MI's.
I cannot tell you to disclose your MI to your boyfriend or anybody else. It's a fine line.
I hope you find the right answer. Only you can decide what is best.
Dave