what's going on with me

Dave,

Please don't let this emotional abuse go on any longer.  It's like your pdoc is holding you hostage because he knows you're in a frail state and are dependent on him.

I suggest you explore other psychiatrists in confidence and when you find a good one, simply call the old guy and say you've decided to change doctors.  He cannot legally harm you for doing that, and if he did, you could try to sue him.

For five years I saw a pdoc who was totally wrong on all counts.  By the third year, I had my reservations, and didn't get out until two years later when the situation went from bad to worse.

I will support you either way.

Also, perhaps you're feeling a certain way because you gave a speech at the community college.  That's okay.  However, you need to find a new doctor if you believe the status quo isn't working.

Best,

Chris