It's been a few days since my last post and for the most part it's going okay. I gave a speech at the community college yesterday and feel good about it. Maybe someday one of them will be treating me.
To be honest I'm a little down again. I know it's temporary and I will get over it. I've been questioning why I see my doctor. I've seen him for over twenty years. He gives me my shot every two weeks and the visits last about 5 minutes. I also get ECT every two weeks. His office help is very annoying. His wife works there and is not very kind. His receptionist is into that Goth crap and plays horrible music while yelling on the phone. They called last night and asked if my insurance company has sent any checks. They sometimes send me payments. When they do I deposit them and write out a check and personally take it to the office. I was very offended for their call and said things I shouldn't have. I fear that he will take it out on me. I guess the bottom line is that I want a new doctor. I fear that because of the time it would take to get a new one and my meds. We have bumped heads many times over money. He's brash and sometimes down right mean. His wife is worse. I dread going to his office. My stoamch balls up and I leave feeling worse than when I went in. When I started seeing a therapist he was furious so I stopped. I don't tell him what's really on my mind because I don't trust him. When I do feel like opening up he dismisses me with a wave. There aren't that many pdocs in this area. I'm afraid to call them in fear that they will tell my pdoc and he will rent revenge on me. I am in trouble and not getting the help I need. I'm not gonna hurt myself or anyone else. My livelihood is being threatened.
