I saw my pdoc this afternoon. For once I was honest and open with him. He asked me how I was, and for once I didn't say okay. I felt pretty bad all day. Before I went I decided to talk about things that bother me, and ask him questions. One of the things that was bothering and always bothers me is my family. This is nothing new. I've talked to him many times about them. I said that im 45 years old and I'm still haunted by the stuff that happened 30 years ago. I told him that I try to get it out of my head, I can for only small amounts of time. So I ask him why. Why can't I get over it? Why do I still feel like that crap happened only yesterday. I also asked him what he thought. His answers were quite profound. First he said that I'm entitled to my anger. He asked if they were ever gonna change. I said no. He asked why I put so much into it. He said I need to accept that what I want from them I will never get. That I need to focus my energy and emotions on others, ones that matter..like my wife and kids.
I'm going to accept that I am not gonna change anyone but me. I'm going to work towards letting go and moving on. I'm going to focus on what I've accomplished and what I'm going to accomplish.
I know I can do it. I know it will be hard, but it's a hardship that will be of benefit to me. I'll still have ups and downs, but the downs won't be so dramatic.
I have a good life. One that I've fought for and worked for, for many years. I'm proud of who and what I am.
