It's been a few days since my last confession. Actually I only tried that once. Years ago. I was determined to cleanse my sins, so I went to the head of the church. I told him most of it. (I won't get into it here). Anyway he said a few things, nothing that made any sense to what I just told him and sent me on my way. It was then and there that I lost faith in religion. How could it not help me? I thought I was doomed to my way of life. For the most part I still am. I still flounder with mortal sins. I still think anything I do to try won't save me. I've not given up though. I fought all these years to gain an upper hand. I did it not God. Don't get me wrong I do believe in a power greater than myself, I just don't believe than man can deliver it. There were many times in my life where I've reached out beyond myself looking for salvation and finding none. I'm not sure why I'm writing this now. Maybe I'm looking again. My grandfather, bless his soul, took me by the hand once into the woods. He talked alot, but all I remember was that he took a leaf from a tree and said man didn't create this God did. I felt the most spiritual I ever did or have. With the chaos in my life at that time the, spirituality soon wore off. I don't fear God like the tell me to. I don't run to Him every time I get stuck in life. I don't pray for anything for myself. I pray for others on ocassion. God doesn't make my hurt go away, I do. I made it because I knew I could. I wasn't ready to give up. There's been some pretty low points in my life, I got myself through them. I trudged through many a day when I could care less. It was me who decided to turn things around. I fought for my life. Maybe God fought for me. But the people sure as hell didn't. I don't know God. I don't have a loving relationship with Him. I do know mankind, and my relationship with with it isn't much better. Recently I discovered that I'm always stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why I wonder? That's my next mission, find out why. Not only to find out but to stop it. If you read this and you are a religious person, don't be offended. These are my opinions. MINE!
