I've been out of sorts lately the last week or so. Been doing alot of thinking. I think about mental illnesses alot. My own and others'. I wonder if I think too much about em, like an obession. It's so hard not to think about something that has touched my life for so many years. I fear I put too much energy in it. My thoughts will always turn around to mental illness. I try not to think about it. Something will trigger it. Is my desire to be well overshadowing my life? I'm constantly trying new ways and new techinques to cope. My passion is to help. Am I helping myself? My motives seem mute. I realized that my speaking endeavor is about pride. Is that sick? I'm proud of what I do and feel it's helping. My fear of having pride makes me wonder if it's all worth it. I've never had anything to be proud of until now. Any pride I felt growing up was quickly squashed by the family. I've overcome alot. I should feel good about it right? I don't want to get a swelled head. I don't want my pride to get so big that I lose my focus. It's not the destination that matters it's the journey, but how can you have a journey if you aren't focused on the end prize? I have my eye on the prize, but fear my pride will jepordize it. My compassion for my fellow man is the driving force behind what I desire to do. I haven't cared about something this much ever. I don't want anything to stand in my way. My pride, or lack there of, or my fear of having too much is holding me down.
