Imagine if you will a hospital. Imagine a man lying on a guerny hooked up to a heart monitor. Look at the monitor. Notice how the heartbeat is. Up and down. If the lines are flat, then there's no life. My life is exactly like that. Up and down. I can't ask for anything less.
Even in my darkest hour, several years ago, I saw my way through. Fought and struggled. This latest event, high anxiety, has opened my eyes. I fought my way. A little bite at a time. Despite the fact I was in a fog, deep down inside I knew I'd be alright. And I am. I wanna say I'll never have that high anxiety again, but I cannot.
I do not know the root of the anxiety. I only know that I can, with the help from others, fight it. I took for granted my illness for many years. I wandered through life, not really caring about me, my family or the world. I don't wanna do that again. I didn't fight the voices. It took me 28 years to say enough is enough. I'm not going to let this build into a huge mess. I have to deal with it right NOW.
Update on voice control. I woke up to music like always. For a couple of hours I heard 4 songs at once. The song playing now isn't loud. I'm able to push it out. There's been a few voices. Easy to push them out to. I'm left with my thoughts. Sometimes a thought enters my mind..a dark thought. They don't stay...fleeting thoughts I think they call them. I'm glad I'm not able to recall them. When a dark thought comes in, I can not give them and credence. I force myself to think positive.
That's where I am now. Fighting, struggling along. At least I'm willing to move beyond, to reach down and pull myself back. I'm on a mission. NO mental illness is gonna stop me from it.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
