I e-mailed my dad about my being in the hospital. I don't normally tell him or anyone in the family when I go in. But I thought I'd try. I was curious as to what he thought. We never talk about my sza. His response was "is the same ole thing?". I wasn't surprised by that. What surpised me is how I felt and dealt with it. I didn't get angry, didn't get depressed.
I go in the hospital quite often. 2x this year alone. While my dad thinks it's the same ole thing, it's necessary fo me. I don't even know why he said that., since we never have discussed it.
I wish that I could talk to the family. I wish they could be a safe place to land. These are just pipedreams. The family just fluffs me off with "it's the same ole thing." I laugh at them. My life has been hard fought. I look for ways to change and help me.
It's funny, my whole life I was angry at dad. Most of my rages were about him. Now, present day, he's the only one I wanna communicate with. I turned the tide. We e-mail each other almost daily. He's my dad. When I look back at the things that I felt were wrong, I see it wasn't always him. I love my dad, even though he doesn't know how to love me back. Is that forgiveness? Maybe.
I'm looking through the world through my son's eyes. Everytime I talk to my son, I tell him I love him. I see alot of me in him. His anger, stubborness. Did my dad ever look at me? I will never know.
The world I have right now is the best I've ever had. Sure I have setbacks and meltdowns. I always come out of it a stronger, wiser man. Dr. Phil says we create our own destiny. I'm creating mine.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
