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Sun, October 11, 2009

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In my early years of SZA I was angry. I was so angry that the only way to release it was to blame anyone or anything.

The first victim was the drugs. They did this to me. They are to blame for my voices. They are the ones that held me down. They are the ones who have given me this constant reminder of my foolishness.

The next victim was my father. He is to bame because of his attacks. His anger he gave freely. His lack of love and care for me are to blame.

Mon was to blame too. Its in her family line. I was unfortunate to be in the line of fire.

Next vicim is my oldest brother. I looked back at all the beatings. I was his personal punching bag. His anger was released on me. Those fists could be seen for years, even after I left home.

The next victim was alcohol. It made me even more angrier. I was a monster when I drank. Alcohol took the anger and frustration of this disease and manifested itself into my everday life. It turned me into dad.

This next victim that should have helped but didn't, was the school and the sleepy little town I lived in. Everyone knew I was in danger. No one not a single person stepped in to save me.

God is the last of my victims. He got the worst of my anger. He did this to taunt me to tease me. If He is a loving God why didn't he save me? Its His fault.

That was then this is now:

I don't blame anyone or anything anymore. It takes alot of energy to find people and things to blame.

I have a hand in all of this. Nobody forced me to drink and do drugs.

Blaming is anger and vengeance, and hatefulness. Keeping all that wrapped up in me is poison to my my soul.

I release the blame I imposed on others. I cast it out before me.

Freeing myself from the blame game has made my life so much better.

I am able to love and be loved. I am free from the bonds that held me down.

I accept this curse and will move forward free from this lust of blame.

In reality I do not know what caused my illness. Therefore I blame no one.

Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

P.S. I know that some of people's illness was caused by someone. It is not my intent to justify that. The purpose of this journal was to share what happened to me. I am truly sorry if anyone feels badly because of my words

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Don Fraser

10/11/09 9:22am

You are so right David, and you resonate a chord that I can hear.

I blamed others for a long time for my SZA. Family, friends, anyone really, until I could grip the situation with both hands.

I, like you, still hallucinate from time to time, sometimes constantly, though mine are visual. I also know that they are not real and have developed coping skills to help me through it.

This reminds me of an essay I wrote in high school about the human need for a scapegoat. Do we really need someone to blame that stuff on? Where does that need come from? Is it the survival of our own ego that causes us to want to blame someone else?

But I agree with your conclusion; leading a blameless life is the way to go. No more guilt, no more confusion, and no more excuses.

Thanks for a great read,

Don Fraser

Christina Bruni

10/13/09 4:14pm

Hi Don,

I do believe the survival of the ego theory is at play when we seek to blame others.

Chris

Rene Victor

10/11/09 9:38am

Good morning Dave,

I read this and see a lot of similarities in myself. I'm in panic mode right now because what I've been working extremely hard for is getting closer and closer. My sobriety, my medication, my therapy is what has made me - Rene - today.

I was an angry, abusive beligerent drunk who wreaked havoc on anyone that I came across. I abused meth to the point where I became psychotic and hit my mom before I stopped. And this wasn't even by choice, my brothers dropped me off in detox.

I'm off to church right now, but I'll write more later.

Thanks for sharing.

Rene Victor

10/11/09 11:45am

Hey Dave,

I think it's great that you don't place blame on any one thing or person anymore. I think accepting the way things are today is the key to moving forward.

I really struggled today at church. I felt like crying when I thought of my daughter. What did I do, why did I do it, drugs - alcohol? 11 years has gone by since I last so her and I'm so disgusted at myself for letting it go on for so long. Grant it I've been sober for 4 years but my God what was I thinking? I cried on the way back from Starbucks but I needed to, to release what I've been holding onto. I'm planning on speaking at an AA meeting because this is the biggest fear that I have today - I'm certain this will help. Well, actually the second biggest fear now since I know reuniting with my daughter is not too far away. And the thing that I have to accept is I have to rely on her mom for support and I haven't seen her in 14 years! Wow, this is all so overwhelming. I have to also remember that I am SZA and along with staying sober I'll have to take my meds, go to therapy and rely on my family and friends for support.

I hope you have a great week. You're an inspiration to me...

abcd

10/11/09 9:08pm

You are truly a great and unique person to have advanced to this point... It shows just how powerful a human being can be using his free will... A very difficult and wonderful thing you have done; something which many have not been successful in.... You are to be admired and respected...

You are absolutely right in all you wrote. It was lovely to read.

But please excuse me if i say something as a post-scrip. You are so right not to blame anyone for your condition, and that it neutrilizes the anger, makes you a better person, cures you of negetivety and really puts you on a totaly new level.

But still, i venture to say, that while forgiving those who have done you wrong is the right thing to do - the proper path to take, how much more effective if the person who has done wrong also gives a sincere apology!

We aren't speaking of small slights, but of major life shattering events, and from my own personal experience, if the person who has wronged you at least shows that he is embarrassed and regretful (even if not put into actual words) it certainly helps cleanse the anger.

Although we should forgive and not blame people for our own personal choices, this does NOT absolve abusers!

David Robbins

10/12/09 3:45am

I agree in what you said about an abuser. It was not my intention to absolve the abuser. I suffered greatly under my brother's fists. I have forgiven him, he has never apologized. He sees no wrong in his doing. I have cast my brother out of my life. I cannot accept him for he has not changed. No family member should be like him.

Christina Bruni

10/13/09 4:13pm

Hi Dave,

Funny, I only blamed myself for getting sick, as if I was responsible for getting sick when in reality I had no control over it. In 2002 when I researched a support group I could join I was in the frame of mind to release this blame and forgive myself.

Forgiveness is the order of the day so often when someone is diagnosed with schizophrenia.

We may never forget. We can certainly forgive.

Regards,

Christina

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