I am trying to control my fear of talking face to face. Yesterday when I was walking from the parking lot to the front entrance of the church, my anxiety was high. It was so high that by the time I got inside I was huffing and puffing like I ran 10 miles. I get to church early because I like to be early and that I can get a good seat. I approached several people, I didn't fall over dead and it went fine. I spoke up in class and for the first time I didn't cry. I even got a phone number!!
I took a risk going outside my comfort zone. Is that what they mean thinking outside the box? Well if it is, I really went out of the box. I was scared at first but I soon felt at ease.
Voices are strong right now. The "dark voices." I am too busy to listen...not that I do anyway. I just had a thought.... I should be as persistent and steady as them. If I were to keep at it like them, imagine what I could accomplish. They are there and have been there for many years. I could channel their energy into my physical body. They just said that I won't keep it up that long and that whenever I start something I don't stay with it long. That thought has been on mind lately as well. Time to step up and prove to myself that they are wrong.
I'm gonna be baking cookies all week. Today, though, is zuchinni bread. I'm giving away the cookies to my neighbors. I'm also gonna give some to my son's girlfriend's family.
I am also trying to develep a different routine in the morning. I've got all these things I'm doing. I won't get overwhelmed.
I am grateful for the members of this site. You have been a source of inspiration and kindness.
Thank you all!
Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
As far as staying with a project goes, pre-sz I was a person who was a whirlwind of activity. I would start a book and finish it the same day. I would start a painting and finish it in a few days. I would make lists of things to do and finish them all by the end of the day. Multi-tasking was my middle name! I think there might have been a little hypomania mixed in there somewhere, because I am rarely like that anymore (mostly depending on whether I am taking my Zyprexa or not.)
At some point, midway through the recovery period, I decided just to start something -- watching a movie, writing a poem, cleaning my room -- and I didn't let it bother me that I rarely finished. Just starting was a big step forward. Then gradually, it occurred to me that I could finish reading a whole book by just reading a couple of pages a day. I didn't have to read it all in one sitting. I realized I could walk out of a movie if it was too difficult to sit and pay attention to what was happening on the screen. I cleaned my room by just starting in one corner and gradually (over a week or two) get it all cleaned. And then things expanded from there. In other words, all the Rules that other people had made for me (should, would, could, must, do, don't) were THEIR rules and it was find for THEM to follow them. But I had to make my own rules. And even if I didn't follow my own rules, so what?
I just finished a painting I started on several months ago. I am so proud! When I get around to it (ha) I will post it in my gallery here. I also just finished making a hard copy of all my poetry and am in the proces of reading and categorizing all of it. I have wanted to do that for years but never felt up to it.
For me, getting my TV disconnected has made a big difference. Now, all the things I have wanted to do for a long time are falling into place. And I am even taking on part time employment (8 hrs per week for my mother) starting the first week of January. I never thought I would be able to commit to working again, even part time. It will give me just enough money to make things a little easier; the bills won't be such a worry every month.
I'm glad you made contact with some people. I'm working on that one, too. Even reaching out and shaking a hand and saying, "Good morning," can be a big step. I didn't go to church for a long time because it made me feel so jittery and agitated. Plus I had this teacher who made a point of asking me to illustrate something on the dry erase board as she taught. Just because I have an art degree people think that drawing something from memory is easy...or fun. It wasn't. And still isn't. But now, I go to Sunday School and church and sit on the back row, where I feel safe because there is an exit door right behind me. Still progress, none the less.
Carolyn
Carolyn,
Thanks for posting that. I think it brings great understanding to me. I will congratulate my son for starting things and stop focusing so much on the final project.I have the same problem with some things in my life and I sont have sz so dont feel bad. My closet and dresser drawers need to be be cleared out so badly and I just keep not doing it. Maybe I should just try to start it.
Kathy