Been unable to sign in

By David Robbins Saturday, January 02, 2010

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I have been unable to sign in lately. I managed to find my way here. It took a few minutes. I asked a question about it? Anybody else having trouble signing in?

Well anyway I wanted to write some about disclosing. This is in response to a blog by another member's sharepost.

Should I disclose? Years ago I didn't tell anyone. The people I was around, co workers and such all had a mental illness. "Birds of a feather flock together." Back then we never asked what our diagnosis was. It wasn't important, we had a commonality and that was good enough for us.

I took a job "outside my flock." A few knew but forethemostpart alot of them had no clue. I didn't tell anyone as it was never an issue. I worked hard and didn't have a need to tell anyone. When I was hospitalized in January of 07' they found out. I was treated different from then on.

I left that job because of my illness. Shortly after I began to journal. I wrote from my heart. I told alot of myself. As I wrote more and more the thought of disclosing became an issue. I felt that I had alot to offer. I joined a speakers group. There I had a few opportunities to speak up and out about my illness, my accomplishments and the recovery process. I found that talking about it was helping to bring to light the "real truth" about my illness. Unfortunately I had a falling out with that group.

I now have a blog on the local newspaper website. I posted a picture of me there. That blog is my way of reaching out, speaking out, and educating the public who believe Hollywood's portrayal of those with a mental diagnosis.

Now I am once again pondering my reasons for not disclosong to my fellow church members. I am there to worship my Lord and not be distracted by my illness. I feel that if I told people they would look at me in a different light other than a church member. That is a paranoid thought of mine. Totally unjustifed. The thought is based on past experiences of being treated like I had the plague.

Disclose or not, is up to the indvidual. It may be wise not to tell. The stigma attached is very real and very dangerous.

Disclosing can also be very helpful. When I stand up and say I have SZA it is an attempt to bring to light the true nature of my illness.

I know I still haven't told my church but again its none of their business. I am no ashamed of having SZA. I just don't want to be treated different because of it.

I hope this sharepost gets posted on the site. I missed being here. I have found peace and commonality once again.

Peace. Happy New Year to all of you.

David

I'm in I'm in!!!!!

Comments (4) | Add comment

Donna-1

1/ 2/10 9:09am

For about the last 10 days or so, it has been difficult to access this forum and the depression forum, difficult to figure out how to sign in, I get emails saying someone has commented on my post, but when I check the post, there is no comment. I have alerted the webmaster a couple of times with no response. I know they have been in the process of "updating" the site and maybe they haven't completed that yet or worked out all the kinks. But I hate waiting for 45 seconds every time I try to access a post or to submit a comment. Can you tell I am frustrated? I am. Definitely. I thought it was my computer for a while and jumped through hoops trying to reset browser settings, clear my footprints, rebuild the AOL adapter, etc. But none of it helped. I am still waiting.

As for disclosing the nature of your illness, I find I am most likely to do it when with someone who has a totally misguided view of mental illness -- that it is like a dirty secret, that people with sz are violent killers, that all people with mental illness are homeless or in a state hospital because they are dangerous. I kind of enjoy saying, "Well, as a matter of fact, you have known me for a long time. Do you think I am dangerous? I do have schizophrenia and it's really no big deal -- I'm not living on the street, I have my own apartment, I make contributions to society. Everyone has their own health problems and own life predicaments and you learn how to get past them and move on. Sure they are some people who are untreated or do not respond to treatment and life is very difficult for them. But most of us do just fine!" Usually there is a moment of uncomfortable silence. But the moment passes and I don't think I have lost any friends through disclosure. Losing jobs, though, is another matter. I have lost jobs because I revealed early-on that I had schizophrenia. And like you said, co-workers and bosses usually treat you differently when they know.

abcd

1/ 2/10 6:52pm

Hello there,

Please excuse my saying so, but it is not at all a paranoid thought that if you disclose to people about your mental illness you will be treated differently. This is just grim reality... My adult son has sz, and i tell no one... Human nature being what it is, unless you tell an enlightened individual, you will be looked at in a different light than you were before. Even if it's only a family member with a mental condition, there is still much stigma attached.

Personally, i think it's safest to say nothing, unless you have known the person for a long time and are quite sure of their friendship.

Happy New Year to you, and may you find good fortune and peace this year...

David Robbins

1/ 3/10 4:38am

Dear ABCD,

Please take note of this comment. I am basing it on my own life and experiences.

I know the fear in disclosing. I have felt the coldness of hearts that believe the "social norm".

My own family never will discuss my illness. One time after discharge from the hospital, I told my father. He's says to me "was it the same ole thing?"

In time I will let my church know.

Disclosing is a way for me to help those of us to see that there is hope and that there a good life, even with sz.

I don't want to hide anymore.

Have a good day and a happy new year.

Dave

Donna-1

1/ 3/10 8:35pm

Dave, I was diagnosed with sz in 1995. No one in my family knew what sz was and only one bothered to find out. There was not all that much about sz online in '95 and my sister got a lot of wrong-headed information, such that sz means having a "split personality" or "multiple personalities." She was confused because she just knew that wasn't me. She was right. I had sz, not Dissociative Identity Disorder (what they are now calling Multiple Personalities.) But by then, it was impossible to clear out the wrong info and give her the right info. To make matters worse, my psychiatrist had not told me what schizophrenia was or anything about it. Not the symptoms or prognosis, not the treatment options, nothing. He just tossed the diagnosis across his desk and expected me to absorb it all through osmosis, I guess. So even if I wanted to give her a good idea of what sz meant, I really hadn't a clue myself.

My father never had a clue, either. He never brought it up, like it wasn't there. All he wanted was for me to get a good job like the one I used to have. And to this very day, Mother does not believe I have schizophrenia. I copied the best info off the Internet for her to read and she said she couldn't understand it. She said it must have been the way my ex-husband treated me that made me "feel bad." About once a month without fail, she says, 'You dont' really think you have 'that' do you?" She won't even say the word "schizophrenia." Instead, if absolutely pressed, she will admit I used to have a problem with depression. And she believes a "miracle from God" cured me. God may have helped, but I worked HARD for my present state of recovery. Which currently does not qualify as "cured."

Mother forbids me to tell anyone that I have schizophrenia. I explained it to her this way: I have had delusions and hallucinations since I was a child and psychotic depression since my teens, and at the ripe old age of 35 I added paranoia and wicked suicidal and homicidal ideation. I have spoken to the devil face to face and on the telephone. He speaks to me in English and Spanish, and I understand him even though I don't know a word of Spanish. I have had moderate dissociation and amnesia -- even buying an arsenal of guns with no memory of doing so. Does this sound like depression to you? I also explained to her that Zyprexa is an antipsychotic, and it is the only thing that makes me feel better. It is not an antidepressant, although it helps with that, too by calming me down.

But when I get ready to say the "sz word" to friends, strangers, co-workers or bosses, I rarely hesitate. I don't just go blazing in firing from the hip, I wait for the right time. When questions are asked. When certain answers are suspected. Or when the conversation becomes laden with stigma against those with mental illness and I casually remark that I, myself, suffer with mental illness. I am not even surprised anymore when others pipe up and say they have mental illness themselves or in their family -- it is not unusual. People I have known for years tell me they have schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or crippling depression. Or that their brother is in his 30's and never comes out of his bedroom even to eat with the family.

After all, if 1 person in 100 has schizophrenia, there are quite a few of us out there. And I am neither ashamed nor embarrassed that I have schizophrenia. I explain that it is an illness just like diabetes or lupus or leukemia and that insurance companies are now required to provide benefits for mental illness just like they do for other diseases. Sometimes it makes things awkward for a few minutes, but then the awkwardness passes and my relationships with true friends grows deeper.

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