Our son has always been such a wonderful person....caring, gentle, well mandered and always respectful. He has been living with this "illness" for just over three years and is now 22 yr of age. Just after high school graduation he was living away from home, working as a waiter and going to school full time when he started becoming paranoid. After several hospitalizations (and several diagnosis' including bipolar w/psychosis, hypoglyemic, schizoaffective, paranoid schizophrenic) he's now living at home and we are trying just to keep him well. We are afraid to put too much pressure on him for fear of him relapsing again.... so we don't demand much of him. We've been told that we might be enabling him not to get well and move on with his life as everything is too easy for him at home. We ARE trying to get him to manage his own meds so that he might be able to live on his own soon...beyond that we aren't sure what to do now. He has been fairly stable for a month or so since switching meds. One of the biggest problems is that he doesn't really understand much of what's happened to him. He is getting bored but that doesn't seem to motivate him. He just seems to be avoiding life's stresses. I guess our question is: How can we get him to help himself move on (job, school, social life) without stressing him out and causing him to relapse once again?
Helping our son, help himself
Hello,
A therapist or a short-term day program may be a good option [or both at the same time] so that he can understand the illness and plan for the future. He can log on to this web site himself to begin the journey to recovery and post SharePosts here. He can go to a NAMI peer support group. Call NAMI's hotline at (800) 950-NAMI (6264) to get the name and number of the local affiliate in your city or town in the U.S. They may be able to have someone talk to your son as well to get him interested in the support group. One mother found it effective for the leader of the support group to talk directly to her son to give him the date and time of the meeting, rather than having her relay that information to him. Because if he didn't hear it firsthand, he wasn't motivated to go the meeting.
Volunteer work is also a good option.
When I came out of the hospital the first time [I was 22 years old] and couldn't go straight to work, I joined a day program for people with psychiatric conditions and from there the New York State Office of Vocational Rehabilitation sent me for training as a word processor so I was able to get my first job.
My parents always told me that they didn't care what I was doing during the day, it could be ballet, it could be going to the library, as long as I was doing something. If his symptoms are severe and he is actively delusional or paranoid, the day program option might be the best bet, and even if he's not severely distressed it could be a helpful bridge back into the world.
[You have the right to tell him he has to be doing something during the day in order to live with you. A day program is specifically geared for people who has just gotten out of the hospital and need support.]
Education is the key. Your son needs to educate himself about his illness and his symptoms, and create a relapse prevention plan, which he can do if your local NAMI hosts the 9-week Peer-to-Peer program for people in recovery, whereby they educate themselves about the major mental illnesse, tell their own stories, develop a relapse prevention plan, and an advance directive for mental health care with a health care agent or proxy they choose.
He may also want to go back to school or get a part-time job if he is at that point right now.
Above all, remember there is hope that a person can recover and recovery is indeed possible. It isn't quick and it isn't easy, yet it can be achieved in time.
Regards,
Christina
Thank you for your helpful comments. The problem is in educating him when he doesn't except that he has this serious illness. He will say that he is hypoglycemic... but that's about it. He is pretty good at rising to the occasion when friends and family are around so there is a lot of denial going on around here. He does have a therapist that he works with weekly, so hopefully we'll see progress soon.
i read your post and the comments made. Though there are certainly some excellent suggestions there - some of them fill me with sadness.
Why must we be so hard and demanding of people who are so ill? (i too have an adult son with paranoid sz who is convinced he isn't ill) Why isn't it acceptable in our society for parents to offer comfort and compassion to adult children, wheather ill or not? Why charge an adult child rent and try to push him out of the house into independent living just because he's over 18. Especially if he is very ill and having some other crisis in his life. In my eyes that is plain cruel, and as a human being and mother of 3, i find that view point unacceptable, though i know it to be the popular one.
Can we not accept the fact that there will always be the weak and vulenerable people, and yes, that we as parents and a society should support them. And we should do so not as a burden but with gladness of heart and compassion that we can be givers not judges. Not people who see someone on the brink of an abyss (wheather by illness or some other misfortune) and push the person over with our coldness rather than give a helping hand, with a warm heart.
This kind of support can litterally save a person's life and put him on the road to recovery more so than putting demands on someone who is unable to bear them, for whatever reason. i certainly don't mean to preach, but found some of the suggestions and viewpoints expresed in these few comments rather upsetting.
Best of fortune to you and you son, hopefully you'll find the right solution.
Believe me, I hear what you're saying about giving my son a break and letting him heal. He has been living with us since being released from his last hospitalization in the fall. Most of this past year we've been simply been keeping him in a safe, comfortable and relatively stress free in a loving environment and out of the hospital. Recently, with a change of meds, he is doing so much better... So he now "knows" he is doing nothing and quite frankly, he is bored and depression is setting in. I do believe he would feel better about himself if he had something going on in his life. He desperately needs to be motivated to do something. He needs to get back into life and feel good about being a contributing member (like he once was). It's just hard to know how much to "push" him so he can feel good about himself again.
I am all for offering shelter for someone who is not able to care for themselves. We just do not want to be guilty of being a hindrance to someone who could possibly care for themselves. We might never know if we do not try. If it was up to me, I would have stayed rent free in my parent's house until I decided to move out but he wanted to charge me rent so what was I to do. I just drove away one day.
Did you read the latest two comments to your post? How very shocking... How very dreadful...
i just cannot imagine parents behaving in such a manner... Why have children at all if a person is so selfish?
Why not look at other societies outside of the US. In many countries (some very poor) whole families live togeter and support one another, both financially and otherwise.
i think the problem lies in our society. We have difficulty accepting that some people are weak and fragile, if by illness or some other misfortune. We need to accept these people, not view them as parasites. Perhaps if we were in their shoes are condition and behaviour would be so much the worse.
Perhaps we should remember "There for the grace of G-d go I..."
Regarding your son, whom i see you love very much, continue to let him heal... Believe me genuine love will only reap good benefits, if now or in the future.
We live in an "instant society." Everything has to be here and now. But some things to take time... Please be patient; when your son preceives the genuine unconditional support and love you give him, he will surely respond. i can tell you with my own personal experience as a mother. And he is very ill also. Remember, real love is felt and always leaves a positive impression.
Have you tried interesting your son in prayer? From personal experience i can tell this can bring a vast improvment in a person's condition. Even a very ill one.
But please remember, most of all give your son time... Give him time to "lick his wounds" to gather his senses, to try to come to term with his illness and new situation. This is the type of crises that can be no less shocking to a person than being paralyzed after an accident, or some other great calamity.
Kindness and more patience... i once read an account of an old teacher many years ago. He had a student who wasn't too brilliant, to put it mildly. It was difficult for him to grasp the concept taught even though he tried hard to do so.
His marvalous and humble teacher repeated the lesson 400!!! times. And then the student understood...
Best of fortune to you both.. May you and your son both find comfort and healing..
Believe me if we would only be guilty of that we should consider ourselves fortunate.
We could be guilty of something immensley more sinister... When a person is very ill his judgement is not necessarly at its best. He could take his own life in a moment of despair... He could fall victim to unscrupulous people... He could completely lose his mind, or die of neglect and exposure while "we are not being a hindrance to someone who could possible care for themselves."
Isn't it better to ere on the side of humanity...
Yes, it is hard to know what the best thing to do is sometimes. If there is any reason to believe the person could be harmed, it would be better for the person to stay home. I have a cousin who stays home. He works but it is only part time at a fast food place. This was several years ago. I'm not sure what his problem is. I was afraid to ask. He seems to be fairly normal and cares about animals.
We have tried tough love and now I would like to extend unconditional love to my severe schizophrenic son. In the past he was kicked out, did trail work, joined the NAVY. He is now a service connected veteran and loved his service to our county. When he is psychotic his body really is in pain, this is not a disease that that tough love works very well as indeed we have tried. My son just had his third psychotic break and has been hospitalized and in rehab for the last 9 months. My hopes are that he stays NORMAL and continues on with something we call life. No I do not think he will get a job or go to college, yes I hope he plants some seeds and has a garden. He is a service connected vet and I thank our military for his care and he and I regret he cannot be of further service at this point. Once a family has experienced these phychotic breaks in a paranoid schizophrenic we only hope we and our loved one does not experience another one.
After having my first episode I had to move back home too, but my parents were putting a lot of pressure on me as they didn't realise I was sick (I was very sick and couldnt get out of bed) They just thought I was being lazy. Eventually they confronted me and kicked me out of the house... my Dad drove me into the city with no money or anything. It was shocking... all stemming from a lack of understanding the fact that it's an actual illness. These days my parents regard themselves as the ones that need support, me being the problem... things can't change. This world is cruel and heartless when your parents also turn on you. So, from experience... your son is only 22 and probably won't understand for another few years the extent of his own illness. But he needs to get out there and live life too, so why not suggest he does a part time course in something he's interested in? That might lead into a job also. You could become more involved in his treatment, for example driving him to the Doctors appointments and talking about it.. I don't know.. but he is still young and deserves a chance.
Hello ms,
I hope you understand that I care deeply that your son is able to recover with minimal disability in the long term.
When someone expresses that the medication is working and they feel bored during the day that is when I suggest options like a Clubhouse or day program or going back to school. I interviewed a woman for Schizophrenia Digest who had a similar situation to your son's and she joined a Clubhouse where she volunteered in one of the work activities. She "acted as if" it was a paid job and when the staff saw she was diligent and conscientious they recommended she send her resume for a peer advocate position.
I have a different take on things because of the actions I took early on in my recovery. So I will be biased towards day programs and supportive living as effective psychosocial interventions after a first episode of schizophrenia.
However I understand that a lot of young people don't want to interact with other people or older people with mental illnesses. This is also compounded when the person doesn't believe they have schizophrenia or they use denial as a coping mechanism.
Again I want to let you know that I only meant well in suggesting supportive living or a day program.
Tomorrow I will be sending out a SharePost about a new National Institute of Mental Health research project aimed at halting the effect of disability after a first schizophrenia episode.
Please feel free to post here again and you may also want to encourage your son to join.
Regards,
Christina
Thank you again for your thoughtful posts. Just yesterday my son told his therapist he is very anxious about going back to work. He's afraid he'll be "stuck at work", unable to "get away". So we all in agreement that he's not ready... but he did also mention that he IS bored. So the psychsocial interaction of volunteering might the way to go at this point It will get him outside of himself AND hopefully, giving back (helping others) will make him feel good about himself again. -maggie
Pat Deegan's website www.patdeegan.com/aboutus.html is a wonderful wealth of information. I work in a Psychosocial Rehabilitation and Recovery Center serving adults with a "severe mental illness." I have found it most helpful to accept the person where they are at now and let them know you TRULY accept them as they are. Listen to them, empathize with the symptoms, build trust. Now ask the person what their goal in life is at this moment. People have to have hope that their is a future to live in recovery. Help the person find a goal and then help them make small steps toward that goal. MOST important is that it has to be a goal that is important to the person at this time--not one important to everyone else.
By working on goals--any goal--and achieving it is small steps; the person gains trust in their abilities and hope that there is afuture for them.
The persons I work for come to the Center and work on goals that are important to them individually not necessarily what I may think is important. By listening to the person and helping them to see a future-to develop hope--in whatever way is necessary to do it; that is what helps a person live in recovery.
might relapse your son. give him a calendar with appointment times marked. call him to remind him of appointment times. live close to the doctors office. have the doctor check to see if he lost work skills. occupational therapy or achievement center. warn him about making loosely connected friends. don't share his apartment with someone who hasn't known him all a long for a really long time. make him share in doing the dishwashing. dishwashers are hired all the time. make him wash dry and fold clothes for you. he has to on his own when they are on their own. third if you have reservations about letting him move out of the house . tell them about car insurance. or a pedestrian community. or public transportation. bicycles. unless you can send him to the places reputable like Mayo Clinic. not necesarily Mayo but reputable. then go on red white and blue medicare. drug costs would be over his personal income.
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I guess as long as he doesn't have to do anything, he won't. My Dad used to charge me rent and I really didn't like that too much but I had intended to leave. I don't know how you can avoid the stress of having to support yourself. I actully left home three or four times before I was able to care for myself and then a family of my own. It was quite hard for me because I didn't have much of an idea what to do. I just kept changing jobs until I found a good career job.
Yes, my father also charged me rent! Actually all six of our children were told that they can't live at home "rent free" unless they were in college. It is our youngest child, now 22yrs, that had to come back home after the onset of this illness. (He was living on his own, working and going to school full time.)