I am hoping that i am on my forward path and that this too is not a hallucination or delusion. it is my life i mean. Man it is  so hard but yet it just seems so unreal. Why is it that my hallucinations and delusions eem so real but my life seems so much like hallucinations and delusions. The unreal is real but the real seems unreal. All the time that I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol did not help, it only covered up the it. I feel that I am sleeping awake. There is one thing that I KNOW; I am sick. I am and will fight this war to live as normal as I can and I will seek out as much help as I can. I read today that regular normal people feel that mental illness is genetic and that we cannot recover. To me that is more fuel for the fire that burns inside. I have been working my new job and my boss is very pleased with my work, attendance and the way i get along with my coworkers. but I am kind of scared because I know these demons are here and they will rareup. I have talked to one of my doctors and he doubled my meds. But he seems to not believe me when I tell him that my body gets used to the meds fast. i have been on thorazine, mellaril, zyprexa, prolixine haldol and cogentin and none of this stopps my pain. Not the mental or physical. I made donations to police and firemen and that did make me feel good but I cannot keep that up. I exercise a lot, a lot and the meds are to help with the pain in my world but they do nothing after a while. I  know this is my world and I must rule my world and live in the world with the world. I can. I go later this week to talk with state voc rehab for funding to go to school for psychology. I know this cannot hurt and I hope it can help and hopefully, I may be able to help someone else. God gave me this illness so that I can speak from knowing and i say this now and here. This website has made me feel welcome and warm. i have been to others but this just feels right. to me this site is my AA and group and although it akes me a while to type, there is no rush. I was given this illness to know what it is like to help from me knowing, not just by what i will read in the books and such. I believe that forward is in, out backwards and also forward. It is every which way but stop. I will not stop.