This long mysterious surreal journey called my life.

By ysraal Monday, July 07, 2008

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I believe that it is possible for me to recover to the point of becoming a doctor with M.D. and Ph.D credentials and training. have been on the older and newer meds and I also have endured a very long duration of untreated psychosis. At 5 years of age, i went through the front windshield of my daddys car during an accident and after being unconsious for three weeks, I saw my guardian angel. I have dealt with humiliation and ridicule. At 15, I killed a man for him and his gang beating me. I was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic reaction and found not guilty by reason of insanity and spent 2 years in a mental hospital on thorazine,mellaril, haldol and cogentin. Upon release, I went into recruit training with the United States Marine Corps and excelled to where I was meritoriously promoted and sent to a school for mechanics and did very well there also. I was sent out on a float to Korea and there attempted to help a fellow american and the fellow had a stolen tv of which i was charged for, found guilty and punished. I believe the stress caused a psychotic break because I started talking to the man I had killed 7 years before, even though I had never talked to him before. I have read the medical records and it states that I had numerous hysterical violent episodes and had to be restrained, does not remember episodes. A navy doctor defered diagnosing me and impressioned passive-aggressive personality disorder and the Marine Corps began discharge proceedings to separate me. I was honorably discharged with a undiagnosed and untreated psychosis and my life has been mysterious and surreal since. When I finally got a docyor to diagnose me it frst was psychotic disorder NOS and now it is schizoaffective /w mood disorder. I still struggle and I have started to reach out to try and find ways to cope and I know this journey is long from over.

Comments (4) | Add comment

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

7/ 8/08 11:02am

Hello Ysraal,

You have come to the right place to talk about this.

We are a welcoming community.

Everyone here has a diagnosis or lives with someone who has a diagnosis, and while we may not have the same story as you, we can relate to what it's like to have schizoaffective or schizophrenia.

A lot of us have also gone untreated for a time.

Take heart and hope because your life doesn't have to be a repeat of the past.

The tide can turn at any moment, as I'm fond of saying.

Have a good day.

Peace,

Chri

ysraal

7/ 8/08 1:29pm

Thank you and I believe I know the feeling but take heart and hope is very,very correct to write what I feel

Chris

9/ 2/08 3:56am

Hello Ysraal.

Have meant to post to you before, and read your most recent Sharepost this morning.Your posts speak so well and movingly of your determination to direct your life's narrative towards some better times, and inspiring goals now you have a diagnosis, allowing access to treatment tailored to you, not that cruel misapplied label, which left you in untreated limbo before.Good luck!

You sound as though you also have some good professional support. I do hope so.

One thing that particularly resonated with me was your very long story of life trauma back to early childhood.

Particularly your absolutely shocking car accident at 4; (you don't say if family things before were 'OK' and I certainly don't wish to pry.) but that itself must have been catastrophic.

You may already know what I write next, but I think it is important.

At the age you were when you had your accident the young brain, newly trying to make sense of the world for itself, believes in self important 'magical thinking' and power and the child can feel (of course quite wrongly) as though he somehow may have caused/ brought on the terrible event and were to blame.)

For example if he happened to be cross ,in temper, at the time. Cause and effect... false logic though!

The pain and family separation of the following hospitalisation, and head trauma, can be mistakenly seen as a punishment meeted out to the petrified child.

Sorry to go on so, but our son was adopted by us aged 4, and his early life was one of extreme neglect. I think he struggled with hidden difficulties though childhood.Now an adult, late twenties, signs are more clear of p sz. With hindsight many features were present much earlier.We love and admire him tremendously.

Sorry to 'butt in' on your post,

please do keep posting

Chris

ysraal

9/ 2/08 7:22am

Hello Chris, I thank you for you dear comments and do not fret over the possible prying. i have come to accept that all comments are criticisism and therefore sent by God almighty for me to hear and heed. I thank you for all. I read your type about your child and it shows the love you have for all of us, Gods children. When I was in my late 20s, I remember the infighting because of the voices and the denial, and deeper into drugs and drinking to try and quite the voices. it did not work. Only acceptance with treatment is helping some. Maintain your faith and steadfast your love and all will be well.

This long mysterious surreal journey called my life.

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