watching my father living in hell

By tania Thursday, March 29, 2007

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i am 17 years old and have been caring for my father since i was 15. he has paranoid schizophrenia and it is so hard for him. i watch my hero my day living through his worst nightmares every day of his life. there is no escape no break no rest. 24-7 he is being haunted. there is no worse feeling than looking into your dads eyes and knowing that he's not sure whether your one of the ones that are against him. it breaks my heart everyday.i wish everyday i could take it all away and it hurts me that nothing i do changes it. i would give anything to see him peaceful to watch him sleep easy to know that he felt secure and safe. anybody that hasn't been affected by mental illness would never be able to understand the pain and the heart ache. If only there was more support and awareness maybe things would be a little easier. i knew nothing of this disease before it devoured my father and my life....

Comments (5) | Add comment

angel

4/ 2/07 10:29pm

I grew up with my mom that has paranoid schizophrenia... I have a mom but I don't have a mom. I'm sure you understand that... It was pretty scary growing up with a mom w/this condition. Hang in there. I'm here to talk to along w/others.

Take Care.

Anonymous

4/ 5/07 8:30am

My heart goes out to you and I want to commend you for all that you do for your Father. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.I am curious as to if you can't discuss your feelings with some other family member. At your age you should be running around with your friends and living a care free life. Also i would like to reccommend a support group for you to look into. It is called NAMI although their name might have changed. Try googling NAMI or putting it into keyword. I do Believe that group could give you some help with your Father.

jane

4/18/07 9:05pm

it is such a devastating illness and you are a brave soul to walk through that wilderness with your father. i am a single parent of 3 boys... my 13yr old son was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia six months ago. it has been a tumultuous and heartbreaking journey but i do it because it is with undying love and loyalty to my child. i believe that your father is so very lucky to have you and you are truly his angel... i too sacrifice my life for my child's and frequently put aside my wants and needs alot for his... but i have to tell you that you must take time for yourself and try to find even the simplest joy in life otherwise you will be doing yourself a disservice... good luck and blessings to you....

Christina Bruni

5/ 4/07 1:36pm

Hello Tania,

I wish you some peace for yourself and your Dad. Definitely join a NAMI family support group. Take time for yourself. You could also attend NAMI's "Family-to-Family" 12-week educational course, which gives practical tips and techniques for dealing with a loved one who has a mental illness. Where do you live? Your local NAMI affiliate, either for your state or your county or township, will be able to tell you if they offer the "Family-to-Family" course, which is taught by two family members living with the illness. Week 10, I believe, is when a panel of people living with mental illnesses sit in and talk about what it's like to go through that.

You are kind and generous; sometimes, on a day-to-day basis, it's reassuring for someone living with the SZ just to have someone to sit with him, just to be there, or talk to him on the phone, even if you talk about the weather, or even if you talk about what he's feeling and how his day has been.

Also, too, you could aid your father in setting small yet measurable goals, sort of like a "goals club" if he is ready at this time to pursue being out in the world.

Warm wishes,

Chris

f8ed4music

12/29/07 3:00am

Hi Tania... I was once where you are, only it is my mother. I'm now 35, but Mom had her first breakdown when I was 11. I remember well watching her pace the floors, looking out windows, keeping me home from school to keep me from being kidnapped... the constant fear and torture she suffered. I still watch it today, 24 years later. You didn't say if your dad is medicated or not or even if your mom is in the picture, but it is very important for you to find close family members that can help you with your dad... particularly people that he trusts. You absolutely HAVE to take time for yourself daily to remove yourself from the constant negativities of the disease and rejuvenate your own body, mind and spirit. If you have a hobby, spend time daily doing that. You will be no good in helping your dad if you aren't taking care of yourself. People always seem to suggest NAMI which is great, but if you are anything like me, your local NAMI isn't so local. I am a member of a wonderful online group for mental illness family support on yahoo. I have been in this group for 2 years and it has truly been a lifesaver to me. I suggest you look into groups like that where you can receive support (and offer it to others when they need it). You will find that being able to talk about your feelings, frustrations, disappointments and even the successes when they happen, gives you a greater ability to go on daily. It also helps to know that you are NOT alone during those moments when you really think no one else in the world understands. I hope this helps you. Hang in there and know that you truly are NOT alone. :)

watching my father living in hell

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