THE EYE OF DARKNESS
BY
KATIE MARIE LAWRENCE
(MARYA U. PYREK)
COPYRIGHT 1995
ABSTRACT- This is an autobiographical essay. It was written while living with conflictual emotions both during and after hospitalization. By writing such as account, I hope to instill in readers an understanding of the emotions experienced during a mental illness. The primary objective is for this material to be used for educational purposes, assisting students focusing their studies in the area of mental illness and by broadening their existing knowledge, which in turn will widen their viewpoints. I also hope that this essay may be used for research purposes. I hope to present ‘a view from the inside.' Most importantly, I hope to convey the long, continual and arduous process of rebuilding and restructuring ones self-image and lifestyle..
PART 1
The feelings described in this essay were present throughout most of my childhood. Later, while attending Fitchburg State College, they became more pronounced and uncontrollable resulting in my hospitalization. These feelings are present today, though in lesser degrees. They are something that is not cured, but rather, something one learns to control. The tendency to slip back into old behavior is great. The first part of this essay focuses on experiences prior to hospitalization, a time characterized by poor grades, self isolation, inability to concentrate and paranoid beliefs. I remember how it happened and can describe the feelings; it is something that one is unable to forget-- something that continues to rear its' ugly head throughout ones life. Fear progressed over a period of years. At first it was less of a constant emotion. Only later, did it take center stage. Concepts triggering fear lie within myself; they include my thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. Fear soon becomes constant and overwhelming. I feared people, preventing me from establishing relationships with others. I am falling down a cold, dark bottomless pit. There is nothing to stop me so I continue falling. Darkness envelops me, and there is no way out. I live in the midst of perpetual confusion and fear. At first, fear was intermittent. Only later, while attending college did it take center stage. Fear is something I experience daily. It is there at life's every turn. I am scared and alone. Slowly I lose grip of reality. Thoughts revolve around the belief that people are watching and talking about me. I fear people and do not trust them. Why? People hurt and do not understand. These thoughts and beliefs are my reality and have become integrated into my way of thinking; they are completely true and rational to me. The fear I feel is constant, and makes itself known on a daily basis. Fear is something I feel inside myself. I wake up feeling fearful; I look in the mirror and fear what I see. I fear people I meet. I have become fear. I fear all that is around me and everything I see. I leave for school and fear passersby. Are they talking about me? I am certain that they are. I go to the dining commons and attend classes. I fear students and make every effort to avoid them. I fear my thoughts, and feelings. Fear has now become toxic, infecting my thoughts, behaviors and selves. My defense against fear is isolation. At night I return to my apartment, hurrying as I believe that people are watching and talking about me. I believe they are laughing and ridiculing me. My life is surrounded by fear. I have become fear. Fear gains a stronger hold with each passing day. Slowly, it infects my body and poisons my mind. I fear people and do not trust them. I fear their thoughts and actions, holding strongly to the belief that they will hurt me. How? People will hurt me by their thoughts, actions and by not understanding. It is for this reason that I fight vehemently against getting close to people. People scare me and they cannot be trusted. My solution is self isolation and distancing myself from others. Someone once remarked that they could feel negative reverberations when around me. I know this to be true because I remember unconsciously setting up barriers whose purpose was to prevent others from getting too close and to prevent myself from getting hurt. Fear has a companion and it's name is anger. Anger, like fear is also found within myself. Anger and fear always appear together. These emotions remain locked within my body, knocking and colliding like some caged animals. Anger and fear go unverbalized. Both of these emotions quickly build up in me. They are like a shadow that never leaves. Their only means of release is self- abuse; I slit my wrists, I overdose on Stelazine, and on aspirin. I bite myself, and I cut my arms. Self-abuse is a daily ritual I use to reduce the pain I feel inside. It has become an act of self- preservation. Anxiety and fear recede with each act, only to return later with increasing force. These attempts grow more virulent and more intense with time. Soon hate emerges along with hear and anger. Like fear and anger, hate increases in intensity over time. Hate soon gets directed inward. I hate myself and I want to die. I hate people because they hurt and they do not understand; these are my thoughts and I am certain that they are true. I will come to know fear, anger and hate more intimately in the future. These emotions claim a stronger hold with each passing day, eventually becoming uncontrollable and overwhelming. I have great difficulty concentrating. Noises, such as a passing car, or a bell ringing , are amplified in volume. Sounds, such as a whisper, the shuffling of feet, or a person's movement are cause for distraction. These noises become my sole focus, preventing my concentration. I cannot comprehend what is said anymore. Words are simply fleeting sounds that do not carry any meaning. Thoughts are no longer sequential. Instead they are disconnected, and do not have any relationship to one another. My mind has become a mass of words. I see people as fragmented, focusing on their wholeness but on separate and individual parts. Each piece is separate and independent of another.
