I have lived with the illness of schizophrenia for 44 years, I am 47 now. I remember the voices as early as three and the terror having to follow the voices instructions to the letter. The voice is always accompanied by feelings of dread and violent compulsiveness to act out in ways that will create a wake of destructive behavior resulting in loneliness, depression, pain, and suffering.
I have been homeless, unemployed, and destitute. I have had 77 jobs including a small stint in the Army. I have gained more than 300 pounds and have become ill from diabetes, arthritis, back pain, and emphysema from chain smoking three packs a day. My description of my life may sound terrible and I might be living in misery while regretting that I was born.
In the year 1992 I met a woman that through all the pain and destruction I have experienced has stayed by my side without a flinch. Through the dark times living without medication and therapy of any sort she supported me and helped me up when I fell into hard times.
In 2000 we were married, and she became my care taker. I got on her health insurance policy from her job and my life changed 360 degrees. I became medicated and started psycho-therapy. The voices became whispers and the hallucinations manageable. I got on Social Security and for the first time in my life I felt like I was contributing.
I began to see my illness become something that could be worked with instead of fighting off. I have been consistently sober for 25 years. Mainly out of fear of living my life in an extreme state on unmanageability and powerlessness.
Going to 12 step meetings everyday keeps me engaged and out of myself; giving me a spiritual tool box to use in times of need. Before medication, people told me I walked under a dark and stormy cloud all the time; instilling fear upon anyone that I came in contact with. Now with medication I have many friends and have much respect in my community.
I am a community leader and am considered a responsible member of the board of directors. I carry with me the desire to help others and to practice unconditional love. Acceptance is the key to my health, when I accept my illness as perfect, exactly the way it is suppose to be; then I experience joy.
I am a Buddhist, and cultivate Dao in my life. As I understand my illness it is Karma that I must live out from the hurt that I inflicted on others in a previous life. My suffering isn't suffering at all. My illness is my amends. As I live my life I can choose to suffer in pain or suffer in joy. I choose joy. I feel I have been enlightened.
Daolotusbear:
Your illness, clearly a devestating experience, has transformed you. You are clearly a man of compasion, love and understanding. You have learned more about life and living, and what is really important, than 95% of the persons in the rest of our society. And it would appear that what you have learned through "trial by fire" is motivating you to give to others. Your story is a marvelous epic of heroism.
If your looking for a way to enlighten people, contact you local NAMI office and ask about their "In Our Own Voice" program. You won't be sorry. You find your local NAMI office by going to http://www.nami.org/. If you can't find it there e-mail me at my SchizophreniaConnection e-mail address = robin.cunningham1@gmail.com and I will find it for you.
I leave you with a poem:
WARD 7N
In a white paper cup,
On a green plastic tray,
They bring capsules of hope
That keep my demons at bay.
They record all my crys,
Measure all my tears,
And think they understand
My debilitating fears.
They're an illusion I know,
A reflection of my terror,
For when I turn around,
No one is there.
This deception is my own,
The only way I know
To live with the horror
That permeates my soul.
While I long for peace,
These fears may persist,
For all my pain is proof
That I still exist.
So there is yet this chance,
For as long as I remain,
That compassion will overtake me
And love forgive the pain.
Pax [Latin for peace]
Robin