Laying in turmoil on my bed my voice in my head rambling, the credit card bills are too much; you have to pay them off! Do something about this! You're going to have to end the pain. My legs twist my body turns trying to find a comfortable position so that I can fall asleep. Over and over the voice trails on, Get a job! Get a job! You have to do something other than what you're doing!
I feel so alone, completely destitute; my mind caving in on me. I sit up, swearing out loud, "Go away **** it! Just shut the hell up, please!" I see images of me being held down under the weight of my debt. I saw another image of me dying; my wife being sued by the credit card companies.
I feel so alone, so powerless, so depleted. I get out of bed, my legs ache my arms tingle as I stand going to the bathroom. Standing in front of the toilet I feel dizzy and my stomach heaves as I vomit into the bowl. The voice echoing in my head, you have to win the lottery, that's it! If you win the lottery everything will be fine! If you don't do something now, you're going to suffer the consequences.
I stumble out of the bathroom and stub my toe on the door jam; pain surges through my body like a bolt of lightening. "**** it! Why do I have to be so clumsy! I am so stupid! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb thing to do!" I wake my wife. She comes out of her room dazed and half asleep, "What's the matter? Why are you making all this noise?"
I grimace at her as I limp back to my room. I mumble an apology of sorts and lay back down in my bed. She peers into my door, "What's going on? Are you all right?" My wife has been my caretaker for 15 years, she has put up with my anger bouts day in and day out. She comforts me when the voices get out of control. The medication quiets the voice, but does very little else. Most nights I'm able to sleep without the waterfall of emotions and thoughts that trouble my mind.
"I'm worried about our debt, I'm agonizing over it." "I don't know what to do?"
My wife quietly states, "Will get by. We always do. You're obsessing again." Relax, I love you honey." I am obsessing, I mumble, "I think I better test my blood, I think my blood sugar is low." "Try to get some sleep." She exclaimed. "Goodnight." Goodnight dear!" I say
Morning comes late as I glumly arise out of bed, its 9:30 in the morning. Climbing out of bed I feel the night before faintly touch my mind. Another day in paradise. I go into the bathroom, shave, put my teeth in and go back to my clothes strewn room to find something to wear today. I think about what shirt I wore yesterday and wonder if anyone would notice if I wore the same shirt today? The voice demands that I put on a different shirt just in case someone cares. I pull on my jeans that I have worn everyday for the past two weeks; putting my nose up to the crotch smelling them just in case they had a scent to them.
