While I get surges of ideas for my future, it is hard to put them into action. It takes a lot of hard work and effort to change. When I finished high school, I had no real direction in life. I was in uni, in a course I didn't like. That's when I started becoming ill. I feel that partially because of my lack of true direction in life, this partially contributed to my illness. It is truly a grey area, looking back, and it is hard to say what caused what. Indeed I even experimented with drugs, maybe this caused the first major episode. However, even before experimentation, I felt depressed. I never spoke to anyone about my depression, as it was a source of embarrassment. Although I had symptoms, only I knew. It wasn't until after the first major episode that I told a doctor I thought I had depression- which was really just to get a medical certificate to account for my failing grades at university. It is all just a big mess when I think about it, I guess it helps to write it all down now. There are a whole gamut of factors which are of importance in my case. But maybe I was just susceptible genetically. I don't know of a history of schizophrenia in my family, but I am positive there is something that I had no control over. Even though I may have been a bit misguided, I was still a sensible person, responsible and eager to to do well in life. Somehow, I lost that sense of direction and control, this was the schizophrenia setting in. Basically the descent was of high impact, and felt sudden, yet probably built up slowly over time. I was continually hallucinating, in another world 100% of the time for a while. Fragments of this life still remain in my consciousness, and mind. I still have the scars of psychosis, and fresh memories of the inexplicable. The Voices are still there- making me still waver between reality and delusion. Despite being fully functional in a new life and sanity, I am deeply stuck in a confounded sense of inescapable madness. The everyday events which cause me stress leave me wondering if they really happened at all, due to me questioning my sanity. I let people walk over me, because I don't know if I am experiencing something real. I am out of touch with myself and my feelings, and am scared to say what I am thinking because I don't know if it just the illness. My main personal issue is in my relationships with friends and boyfriend. I fear they know my whole personal history, and I wonder how they can know it. Of course they don't really know, as I haven't told them everything. But the experience of the fear that they know is very strong. I hate being judged around something I had no control over. The story becomes too complicated to tell- yet it is the only way to understand.
I want to tell my loved ones everything yet now I feel it is almost over, that I am over the worst of it, it might be dredging up old events unnecessarily. Though my life is complicated this way...... and I have a nagging sense that people want to know what it is. I don't mind telling people but I also know that I will lose many friendships this way. Is it worth keeping those people in my life for the sake of keeping the status quo, Or should I appease the fear , thus shaking up the status quo, risk destroying the relationship I value, give in.
