blankness in the unknown

Remember to look for the light. It's always there.

Dave

You will never regret going to university.  Ill with depression and psychosis when I attended university here in the US, it took me 5 yrs to get a degree, but I kept plugging away till I got it.

I understand it is difficult for you to make decisions, because having sz can leave you fearful of taking steps forward.  You don't know what stigma will be there or what difficulties you might facte but all of life is that way.  You can't stay in one place forever even though it may seem more "comfortable" to do that.  Can you keep in touch with your boyfriend if that is what is keeping you at home?

But even though it is scary to make changes, I think you will be thrilled with yourself when you do.  You give the rest of us courage by considering stepping out and stepping foward.

Best wishes.

Carolyn

Animus,

Oh dear.  I am sort of at the "end" of your experience right now, and it isn't fair to say this is going to be your experience in the future, but here goes.

I met a man EIGHT years ago who I fell madly in love with.  Six months later I found out he was married.  Hope for me is sometimes blind to reality.  Like you I tried to leave him knowing leaving was the only way I would succeed in everything I planned for my life.  I was so heartbroken I let my feelings (which I know NOW will pass) dominate my future.  Eight years later, I am almost fifty four, and I regret it with ALL MY HEART> if I had left it may have taken six months for me to recover, but I couldn't tolerate the pain.

Fact.  For me there is one very small voice in my head that I hear the loudest.  It is the true me.  I heard that voice, I knew it told me the TRUTh and I ignored it.  MY FUTURE IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.  I have made a decision that I will NOT CHANGE.  For the first time In my life I am going to do what I want to do, not what my feelings charge me to do.

I hope that it doesn't take you fifty four years to get this.  I wish I had a magic wand.  I don't care if he is kind, loving, sexy, awsome or anything else.  The only thing i have found that will take care of me is that SMALL VOICE and I am listening.

If I grow, then the men around me will be different.  If I grow I will be full of self-esteem that tells me I deserve the BEST.  All of it.

In 1990 I used to say "LIVE AS LOUD AS U CAN."  Since I stayed with him I became a mouse who couldn't even squeak.  It's not HIS fault.  It is an inside job..all about me.  By the way at least ten people warned me and I listened to my angry, loud, taking selfish voice, and it hurt only me.

Thx for letting me get this off my chest

With fondness

Dellea

Hello MyAnimus,

It is good to read another post from you, but I am sorry to hear you are in a time of struggle with your decision-making in Japan.

My 'which way forward sign post' seems to be apt for you just now. Crossroads are never easy. I also am a terrible procrastinator.

 Just my experience but I find when I do 'take the plunge'  (mixing my metaphors) and make a definitive (irreversible) decision there usually follows an uxexpected  period of relief, release and moving onward, as if a brake has been released. Once commited, I tend not to look backward with regret.  We can't be in two places at once, so something/someone sometimes has to be 'left behind'.

I do not mean to make light of any losses that you may experience here. These are difficult choices. But keeping repeating the track does not make it  any easier, only keeps worry at large, and that certainly makes decision making well nigh impossible. It is also draining of energy.

Returning to Oz would mean you might get better tailoring of your meds doesn't it, and explaining your present situation in English to a specialist?  That might help too.Your needs may well be somewhat different now. Fine tuning might make THE difference to getting yourself to where you want to be , or at least to be able to better focus and see those life goals more clearly.

Good luck

Best wishes

Chris

UK

Hi MyAnimus,

I suggest you could change your perception of what you need to do to embrace that you can at once love your boyfriend and need to move on.  Letting go is the hardest part.  He may be a kind, lovable person you genuinely like and want to be with.  If so, perhaps you can be together in a long-distance relationship.

Education is always something that benefits people with schizophrenia.  Nobody can take the degree away from you once you've earned it.  It's a point of pride.

So I urge you not to feel like you're doing something that will hurt your boyfriend.  Even if he is hurt when you leave, it will take time yet he is get over it and if he is a great guy, he will undeerstand your need to secure your future.

Getting a degree is one of the best ways I secured my future, so I encourage you to follow through with your own goal of going to school.

Keep writing SharePosts, because we're here to support you.

Best wishes,

Christina

Animus,

I am sorry.  I should have known when I quit hearing from u!  Please, write me an e-mail...I am so computer illiterate I can't find how to e-mail u on this site!  I will write and do what it takes to help if there is anything I can say to help?

I am here for u...as is everyone.  This is a great place for support, education, or just general communication!  Don't let go.

A great point.  Alone the problem is heavy, share the load and share the load and the problem is carried by the people who share with u.

With fondness,

tinker