Here I am, at work sitting quietly, not doing much. Inside I feel like yelling from my own inability to express or find myself. I wish I could enjoy life like everyone else out there does. What I find is that I just can't do it. I'm not good at anything and thus I find myself stuck in amidst mediocrity.  Life controls me, where i used to control it. How can I find success in being controlled by life around me?

It has been a while since my last post, because I was going through a phase of mostly not being concerned about my sickness. Looking back I probably had a lot to say about it, but of course I felt fine. Two days ago I ended my year long relationship. I can't say the exact reason why, but I felt I had to for my own self respect and self esteem, even though I wasnt sure if that was right because I was actually happy. It is very complicated. I was looking at the situation from the perspective of a close friend or relative who was concerned, even though there wasn't anyone like that. Maybe it is easy to see the situation for others. But schizophrenia makes me blind to the truth. I say, that minute element of doubt makes my mind up. I need to let it go for a while. I feel very sad and depressed but doing other things really helps a lot so I'm keeping myself occupied as much as I can. Do my job and try to function as well as try to enjoy life a bit.