I often wonder, if I am mad, how is it so? No one tells me, and I don't know what exactly it is that makes me mad. Apart from hearing some voices every now and again, which no one else can hear mind you... I could be seen as perfectly normal. But I wouldn't know. As far as I can tell.... what makes me different is exactly what cannot be seen by others. Why can't they see it I wonder? Will life always be like this? Because I would like to be transparent and completely accountable for myself and my counterparts. But somehow its not that easy. I often wonder, why should I do something if there is no recognition for it? Or reward. My crime is simply this: Wanting to please others first and taking the easy option. I care to the point of obsessing over what others think, but in the end give up and look like I don't give a damn... there's some irony to it. There is definitely a bittersweet aftertaste to the story of my life as it is today, because all in all there is no certainty to my existence, which at 31 I so desperately want. I can't grasp any thoughts or meaning in what I want to say, so I'm just walking a fine line of success and failure in everyday life. My guess is that others might agree with me, whether they know this or not........ so that brings me to the subject of the POLITICS of Schizophrenia.
For Schizophrenics, Life is a battle. It becomes a game of barganing and compromise. Sometimes we have lost the game- more often than not. So compensation must begin. For what we have lost, we need to compensate for. And various ways of doing so. In my case- I compete aggressively to regain what I think I have lost, but usually realise its a lost hope, then compensate in other ways.
I wonder who else sees the politics of schizophrenia- win some, lose some as if it's a game. Also, the people close to you may suggest you change in some way, Is that fair?
Anyway I don't think it will ever be understood, I certainly can't.
I don't think of sza as mad. I think of it as a not fully explained phenomenon. It is sort of like your own mind has turned on you and is actively attacking you. Some might say that is mad but to me there is a cause and effect for everything and there is an explanation. IOW, there is nothing really wrong with what the mind is doing. It is working quite well, in fact. Yes, there are hallucinations and voices and irrational bizarre thoughts but it is a capability of the mind to cause those things. There is however what you might call a susceptibility to those things from various factors but it is not totally out of a person's control even though it seems that like it is. What we believe is always a determining factor. If we believe in gloom and doom, that is what the result will be. If we "fear" and expect good, rather than evil, we could be pleasantly surprised.
Lol, yeah Mad is a bit extreme in some ways. And it's true that when we expect Good, Good will follow. There is a cause for every effect. And regret plays a major role in my life today. I wish I never harmed my body with chemicals and changed the whole structure of my brain and it's neural pathways. I guess I got what was coming. At least I can rationalise everything that happened. I can't deny the past or change it. But I can move on and grow.