i need a friend

By Animus Sunday, August 09, 2009

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I am always wanting to talk about my feelings yet find I have no one to talk to. Even just stupid things. Recently I have been reading a few books about schizophrenia which have really helped me get in touch with my feelings. I have realised maybe I am sick. Most of the time I still don't think Im sick. I feel like I am above that, I could never get so sick.. but I look at all the things I have done too and I really was sick. Yet I find I am still on my own in the world so something is going right- Im not in hospital, etc. I don't understand how I can be functionable but still sick. I feel so out of control in so many ways. Everything is in disarray around me, there is no release. I want to block everything out but I feel like to be normal I must face it all again, the truth, and even then I may not be normal again. How can I move forward in life?

Schizophrenia and Work

Comments (9) | Add comment

MichelleP

8/ 9/09 1:18pm

I need a friend too. You can move forward in life because you have to. That's why I do it. If it wouldn't be for the voices I'd have no problems.

Animus

8/ 9/09 9:52pm

Voices aren't so much of an issue to me anymore, Sure, they are loud and annoying but it's more my own thoughts that make me turn away from others or they turn from me. As soon as I get close to someone, I become jealous or hateful for no reason.

Maybe its the meds that have made my once voices into what is a real thought of my own.. but I need to stop. Anyway thanks for the encouragement!

Donna-1

8/ 9/09 6:23pm

I make a friend and then I "unmake" the friendship -- I find reasons: I think I have behaved or spoken stupidly so I want to hide from them. Or I think I have nothing to talk about so I don't want to go out with them. Or I really goof and tell them I have mental illness and that often puts a strain on friendships, especially new friendships. There is a new very friendly woman at my church. She always sits by me and is terribly funny and I like her. She invited me to go to a craft fair in a neighboring city in September. I said I would think about it but I knew in my heart I wouldn't be able to make myself go. And I didn't even call her or tell her in person -- I used my best stationery and wrote a note to her saying what a lovely person she is but that, no, I didn't think I would go to the craft fair. And there she was sitting next to me again this morning and said, "I got your sweet letter." Isn't that nice?

It is quite obvious to me and probably to her and everyone else that I focus too much on myself. I have asked God to let me either be focusing on Him or on other people instead of just thinking about my own needs and fears. But it is a hard habit to break. I have always been an introvert and have always been self-conscious. Maybe that's just the way it's gonna be.

Carolyn

Animus

8/ 9/09 11:10pm

I also unmake my friendships but usually completely unwillingly. I want more friends. But I feel they think I'm sick or that I'm thinking bad things. I get too attached and then they can hear me thinking. it really gets me down. That woman at your church sounds really friendly. Let's hope it works out for you....

Daleri

8/11/09 10:18pm

I suppose that what we need is confidence to be able to move on in life. Confidence comes from success. Drugs can help us "get by" but for real strength and happiness, there has to be real achievements. We will never be fulfilled if we never do anything.

You have to start out from where you are and go from there. Each small success is an encouragement. Then there will be bigger successes that result in greater fulfillment. We can only work with what we have an build on that. We can't get something from nothing. We have to use what we have to get the results that we want.

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

8/12/09 10:14am

Hi MyAnimus,

I understand how you feel because I get the impression most people don't like to talk about their feelings or have another person share her feelings. This could just be my belief and other people could feel differently.

I want you to know that everyone at the Connection [am I too bold or should I speak only for myself] cares about you and your life and your recovery.

We want to see you succeed and be happy. And that is possible to do even with a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

So be hopeful because there is hope.

Keep writing whenever you feel like it.

We are always here to support you.

Cheers,

Christina

Shadow...

8/15/09 9:49am

...maybe not...

Have you ever thought that maybe you are not sick - just different. Maybe you need companionship, friends and sharing more than people around you? Personally I present the other end - I rarely initiate conversation or want to tell what I feel. I want to be alone. I don't eat antidepressants or plain the devil - I'm just a bit different that others...

Schitsophrenia is quite rare state, but if you really think that this is the case take your problem to expert - not to internet dicussion forum. To me it sounds more like you need a good friend to talk to...

Animus

8/15/09 10:09am

okay, that was a bit unexpected! Sorry if I offend you with my internet discussion, but I thought this was an open realm for people with Schizophrenia. Actually, I take offence at your statements. I'm not trying to cause trouble here. It sounds more like you are trying to take a stab at someone who doesnt rub you right. Once again Im not trying to cause trouble here so take it elsewhere.

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

8/15/09 1:37pm

Hi MyAnimus,

You are most welcome here and are a valued community member.

I'm sure you have a pdoc that you talk with regularly and perhaps a therapist would be good if you felt that need.

One thing I want to tell you: the fear of rejection can be so strong when you or I or anyone else tries to strike up a friendship. In my early thirties when I lived on the Island, I tried to reach out to other women and they were not receptive.

Just remember that at times you will be doing the rejection too. That is what one of my counselors at the halfway house told me when I was set to move the next day into my first independent apartment.

Also I understand how you feel people might know what you're thinking. I would recommend CBT-cognitive therapy to work on this if you are able to afford it or can find it on a sliding fee scale. In September I intend to start a round of cognitive sessions and will report back on it in here.

So I want to let you know that I understand how you feel about people possibly reading your mind because I too am convinced people know what I'm thinking. Of course this is not possible, but this fear pops in my head with regularity like a broken record.

Thus I understand completely.

Please feel free to keep writing in here. It is a good way to feel less isolated.

Have a good day.

Regards,

Christina

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