Harder to control as I get older

Thank you for your comments.  I know I have to work to get on the right meds.  In 94 I was on zyprexa, but it didn't have a lower dose than 10 and got the tics bad with it. But it was the best i had felt in a long time.  I know this is going to be awful to say...but I haven't been to my Dr. in a while.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to go when I know I need it.  So..I went on line and bought the anti suppresents that he had perscribed for me and they are working alot better.  I wanted to kill myself 3 months ago and even bought a gun.  So I have ordered the zyprexa and am waiting for it to arrive.  However, today I beleive I made a decision to get to a Dr. and be honest about everything.  I stopped going to my last one, because she was getting close to figuring out that I was Schizophrenic.  And I didn't want that diagnose again!!!  Talk about being delusional. lol  The Effoxer is really helping and I do feel better.  But, my mood hansn't really lifted all the much.  I guess I deny it because I look at as a flaw.  I finally told one of my kids yesterday. She is 21 and has never been told. I have always hid it.  I am a creative genius and  because of that, I have been able to hide my eccentric ways...but lately it is getting more and more difficult.

Shelly

Yes. that is me and my dog at Thanksgiving.  I got him about 3 months ago. He has been a blessing.  And has given me something to do and keep busy with.  I too have been on different meds that did not work.  And have ended up in the hospital a few times and other times I should have, but my husband and I didn't want to let our children know, so he helped me.   I can tell know that, that wasn't helping me at all.  He was in serious denial and beleived I could talk myself out of it.  I am not married to him anymore.  Thank God!

Depression has been a big factor in my illness, along with the sz.  I was often depressed growing up and have stolen one of my father's guns and also bought a gun twice, intending every time to kill myself.  But thank God it didn't happen.   Once, I just couldn't figure out how to load it so I overdosed on Trazodone and lived through it.  Depression always seemed worse to me than the worst part of schizophrenia.  Sometimes I welcomed it because it numbed me and was a way to escape reality.  But I sought treatment in 1995 and finally got relief from the depression in 2004.  And I am well on the road to recovery from sz.

I'm sorry you have not had much support from your family.  I don't think my family understands either.  I have a sister and brother and live with my mother.  I have been divorced from a controlling husband since 1996.  No one tries to understand except my mom and it is difficult for her.  I think it would be difficult for anyone to understand who has not been through it themselves.  But I do think it is the right thing to tell your children.  Hopefully it will help them to realize what has been going on with you and to hopefully learn to give you the support you need.

Carolyn