A LIFETIME OF HELL

By condemnation Sunday, December 27, 2009

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I have been paranoid schizophrenic since grade school I'm also incest survivor and a rape survivor. I got married out of highschool when my schizophrenia was in remission (of course then i didn't know i was sz) I have three beautiful children who are now adults I'm currently divorced and I 'm going to get married to a truly wonderful man that i love dearly but now my paranoid sz symptoms are back i have'nt taken antipsych drugs for about 5 years now since most of them i tried to commit suicide with i believed there were other additives that caused my suicide attempts.

After ending my last very long relationship i felt better the voices went away i was'nt quite so paranoid but i still did'nt travel out of my conmfort zone i would go to the same store same hospital no matter how far away i lived and if i changed i dealt with sometimes horrific anxiety attacks. The only diffrence between now and then is i know what the problem is but i don't know if my thoughts are real if the voices are telling me the truth I'm afraid that everyone is plotting against me but i can't seemt o prove it i'm very emotional crying all the time i don't want to go out at all but i'm trying to hide it does anyone else feel this way and if not do es anyone have any advice or maybe just to share their own personal hell i have lost all of my friends due to this illness most people don't seem to understand.

Comments (6) | Add comment

Donna-1

12/27/09 8:01pm

I tried to commit suicide, also, while on 3 different sz meds. Why? It was simply that those meds were not effective in my case. But when I went on Zyprexa, I lost the urge to suicide and eventually reached a reasonable state of recovery. However, maintaining that recovery depends on taking the Zyprexa as prescribed. My doctor, over time, has lowered the dose from 40mg in 1997 to 15mg today. Yes, there are side effects like weight gain and sleepiness, but if you know that ahead of time, you can be prepared for it.

Certainly if you intend to get married again, you don't want to start it off being paranoid and hiding from people. You want to be at your best. You don't want to have rigid ideas about where you will and will not go, do you? (You mentioned grocery stores and hospitals.)

You need to get the problem under control now. Apparently you are relapsing or have already relapsed, as seems the case to me. Go back to your psychiatrist and try a different antipsychotic than you tried before. Some do not cause weight gain and sleepiness. But whatever the side effects of medication, you owe it to yourself and your fiance to be at your very best NOW. DON'T WAIT. Seek professional help NOW.

And keep coming to this site and let us know how things go. No matter what you decide to do, I will accept you and your decision.

Carolyn

condemnation

12/28/09 8:21pm

I just wanted to thank you for your words of encouragement I did just that I have made an appointment with a Dr since I have been here talking about the fears and pain as helped me take the first step it's ok to say you need help I felt like I was a loser because I relapsed again well, I don't know about that the only thing I do know is I will fight to regain control of my mind. If you were here I would hug you! I just needed to talk to someone that understood .

David Robbins

12/28/09 3:05am

I will echo Carolyn's words "seek help NOW." There are alot of meds that work. It may even be a combination of a few. I currently take 5 different meds.

As long as I take my meds I am not paranoid or delusional. Talk to your pdoc. He or she will know what to do.

I hear voices. I know that they are not true. I have learned to stop the voices as soon as I hear them. Distractions help. I write and cook and clean my house.

You are not alone in this. I hope you keep coming back and sharing with us. By me sharing has helped me to overcome some huge obstacles. You can too.

Don't wait. Seek help as soon as possible. You are worthy to receive help.

Peace,

Dave

condemnation

12/28/09 8:28pm

Thank you for the comment I try to find things to distract me from the destructive thoughts they can be quite persuasive but hopefully with medication and journaling I can get on with enjoying life again.

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

1/ 3/10 10:38pm

Hello condemnation,

I relapsed within three months of a drug holiday and had to go back on the meds which had always worked for me before I stopped them.

The other community members are right it might take a new drug or a different combination of drugs.

Either way I would not go without medication.

You deserve the best life has to offer with your fiancee. I'm sure he will support you in what you are going through.

I have a friend who went without her medication for two years and at the beginning of the third year she totally fell apart. So staying off your meds or having stayed off your meds for a long time doesn't guarantee you won't relapse. In fact it is almost iinevitable you will relapse at some point. I knew someone else who went without meds for five years too and then he was hospitalized and now is court ordered to take medication.

I understand that you and the rest of us would rather not take the meds if we didn't have to however the reality is the great majority of us have to.

You can have a good life with your new partner.

Feel free to continue to write SharePosts as we will all support you and encourage you in whatever goals you set.

I'm glad you made an appointment to see the doctor.

I'm sorry if I'm such a nudge about medication. I'm on Geodon, gained no weight, have no side effects and it was like a miracle drug for me. [Legal disclaimer: I am not paid either directly or indirectly or otherwise compensated by the drug company to endorse the Geodon. I'm simply giving you my personal experience with it. Not all drugs work the same or as effectively for all people who take them.]

I hope you have a good experience with whatever drug(s) you begin to take.

Oh-and congratulations on your engagement!

I do wish you the best.

Cheers,

Christina

MichelleP

1/18/10 1:48am

is don't feel pananoid. I don't feel paranoid and the voices which I grown to like are still there and often remember things I can't remember. Don't ask me how that is possible but it is. They relay messages from my brain and well since my brain controls everything so does your's. I don't have to take my medication and still have no hallucinations other than the voices, but I even have them when I take the medication. Nothing totally rids me of the voices. If you can't get rid of the voices accept them, maybe your brain will tell them to leave you alone from time to time. Mine have. I know they are my brain simply because the fact they can make my head feel different and other things.

My brain use to do auditory hallucinations of my family saying they want to kill me and stuff and I was scared straight, but when I told them about it. My family thought I was nuts hearing stuff that was never said. My brain stopped it. My brain can control itself on or off the medication.

A LIFETIME OF HELL

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