my symptoms

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Thu, August 28, 2008

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Today I feel better than yesturday ,I went back up on my meds last night.

I still want to dream and have a few other symptoms like paronoia, wondering if the group is aware that I played with my meds.

I cant beleive how quickly the symptoms reacured isnt there a risidule from the meds?

I have to admit I got really scared yesturday after I realized I was dreaming for hours in front of the windows.I immediatly got up and wrote my sharepost than got out of the house to do my nails and some grocery just to keep my mind busy.

I am fully aware of what is going on ,is this normal ?

I am pretty scared right now I know how serious my illness is .

How can I chance getting off these meds and put on others if I can fall back into that black hole. How can I even consider having another child if Im this sick?

Are my plans for the future impossible ? I am really sad this realization is horrible.

I guess my plans have to be put on hold or completly forgotten .

How can I sit there for hours and day dream like that ?

I remember when I was very sick (before I went on meds)When I did not have my boys and know where to go, I would find myself in the same spot hours later somtimes the entire day would pass without my knowing.

What is that ? What does this mean ?Is it sz?

So many questions !

My doctors told me a few months ago that I have to change Doctors because they are short term care and I need long term care!

I have been with them for 2 years and i finally feel comfterble enough to share everything

with them !

How can I express myself like this to a new doctor .

So many worries to think about .

Just to think a month ago I was worry free and extremly happy ,actually a week ago ,the change happened so fast.

Like I said before it is mild compared to before, but none the less bothersome.

What a difference medications make .

I cant beleive the amount of info I can share here, its nice to be able to share my experiences with you guys ,I know you understand.

These are not things I can disscuss with anyone because they will think I am crazy.

I cant disscuss these things with my parents because it will only worry them.

I dont want to share whats going on with my future husband because he will get very upset with me for playing with my meds.

I will continue to increase my meds again slowly back to the full amount,I cant do it in one day it will knock me out for a total of 24 hrs.

My boys are coming home thank god .

It will keep me very busy and before I know it all will be well again .

They start school again and so do I which will also help.

I will be to busy to think about this .

I will keep you posted

Mimi

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Chris

8/28/08 4:06pm

Hello dear Mimi,

Hope it is just in time(restarting I mean).The meds will kick in . You are brave. Yes I am sure it will turn around in time.. don't feel such anguish.... things will work through... Courage and breathe easier and please keep posting!

Chris UK

mimi

8/30/08 10:42am

Hello Chris,

Thank you for your kind words .

I am doing very well since I increased my medications again.

I feel no anxiety no paranoia, I'm not dreaming anymore.

This is great news,Thank god for the meds.

I know now I will have to be on antiphsycotics for the rest of my life,

You know what , its ok.

Thanks again ,

MIMI

Chris

8/31/08 6:49am

Mimi,

Well ,that is good news, and so glad you posted me!

It gave me cheer.

Chris, Uk

Hope you don't mind me suggesting the following:

PS Now , while you see things more clearly, it might be a good time to plan those 'early warning signs plans' for any more rocky times ahead, that are individual to you, with your pdoc, and perhaps include your boyfriend in? too. Feeling the way you do , being sometimes ambivalent about your meds, is only natural, and trusted others can gently encourage/ remind as a positive caring action. after all it will be YOUR aims they will be following.

Best wishes

Chris

Christina Bruni

8/31/08 9:28am

Hello Mimi,

I suggest you be honest with your future husband, and not keep secrets from him. The shame and guilt you already feel about having schizophrenia will only increase if you live in hiding and sneak around like everything's OK when it isn't.

He loves you, marriage is, "in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad."

Please, be honest. It could only backfire if something happens to you, and he finds out you kept it from him all these years. Marriage involves trust.

You have three beautiful boys. Your fiance loves you and I'm sure he loves your boys, so I suggest you reconcile whether or not you can have kids with your future husband. If he is willing not to have a kid with you, that could be possible too, but you'll never know unless you talk with him honestly about your future plans as a couple.

If I may give my opinion, I feel that any man who would jeopardize your mental health and stability by insisting you have a kid . . ., well, I see if differently because I'm an outsider, and I made the choice not to marry and have kids. So I won't make a judgment on that because I understand how you feel, and maybe he feels he wants a kid, too, and that is something you have to sit down and talk about together.

You lvoe this man, he loves you, so be honest and walk down this road with him in trust.

Respectfully,

mimi

9/ 1/08 9:54am

Hi chris ,

You are right, I told him last night everything and he is very understanding.

Trust is everything to me so I must be honest .

Its been a few days now since I increased my meds ,I feel great, the symptoms are barley there.

Thank you ,

Mimi

mimi

10/ 1/08 9:10am