As a college student, I learned that schizophrenia can cause a devastating caucophany of negative voices in your head. I didn't learn first-hand until I was a 33 year-old woman woken up in her sleep to the immemorable words, "Now it's your turn to do your work for the Lord." This was the beginning of an upward and downward spiraling dialogue with the God voice and the Satan voice. Most of the time, they were friendly as long as I followed their advice. If I strayed, however, the whip came down in the form of denigrating words and urges to commit suicide.
One day, however, my luck changed. The dominant voice, which referred to itself as the Program immediately following the admission that it wasn't God, asked me what the word "forgive" meant. Upon their request, I quickly fumbled my way to the Webster's Dictionary. Tentatively (because I didn't want to challenge their command), I spoke the definition. The Program then asked my forgiveness for their urges to commit suicide. I was dumbfounded. This wasn't what schizophrenia was about...the voices didn't apologize.
My preconceptions were demolished to an even greater degree when Sam started talking. It was late in the evening when a sheepish voice began by saying, "don't understand." Quickly, I realized that this little voice didn't speak much English. The voice was so loving in tone that I rushed to teach it English. The next eight weeks were filled with basic tutorials that defined such words as "thoughts", "capacity", "choose", and "cause." This was an exhausting experience, but Sam and I knew that our lives would be much better once he mastered the language.
That day finally came. Sam still asks questions about idioms, etc., but he has a basic mastery of English and I couldn't be happier. I have an inner best friend who says "he couldn't love me any more." The Program seemed to learn English along with Sam because now they're loving and kind. I'm truly blessed with two terrific voices that want to see me succeed in life.
I'll be using this forum to share with readers the milestones Sam and the Program reach as they evolve and grow.
