complete post from yesterday

Mimi I don't believe I ever acknowledged your comment.  Thank you.  It sounds like u and I have a lot in common in the abuse department.  Recently I tried to explain to my daughter in law why I stayed 18 years.  She has the conviction that I had the awareness and strength to leave and that is my fault.  I agree to a certain degree, but a lot of people don't understand where I came from and who I was at the age of 18.  I tried to explain how insidius verbal abuse is, and how innocent, naive, young and inexperienced I was.  I grew up on a farm in Iowa, and that farm was very isolated from the rest of the world.  The small town of 1,500 people were pretty distant, and there wasn't one person of unusual descent.  All WASP's.

So, when the husband told me how stupid and naive I was I agreed.  When he told me that I had no education and to shut up and listen, I agreed.  It took a LONG TIME for me to understand the objective of control manipulation and verbal abuse.  I read a book by Patricia Evans at the time of my divorce, and THAT was the first time I got the voice and process of verbal abuse.

Wow, I do go on don't I?  This was just a comment????  Sorry.

I just meant to say thank you for your post, and support.  I am gonna stick around for a while so I hope we get to know each other.

sincerely, tinker-del

Wow, we certainly do have a-lot in common .

I was 16 years old when I left home and moved to another country ,started dating my ex.I was 17 when we moved in together and 19 when we had our first child.

I did not live in a small town but I was isolated from family and friends so I was always alone with my kids.

I to was told I was very innocent,naive,& stupid, I agreed, it was true.

I am proud to say,I am not that person anymore!!

Shortly after my seperation I met a man much older than I and we have been inseprable since.

He gives me my freedom to do as I wish,He never says anything hurtful to me , he is a gentle soul and a wonderful man.

He has been with me through my divorce and when I went through phsycosis, he even has gone with me to my Doctors so he can understand what I was going through.

We are going to get married sometime this year.I could not be happier!!!

I wish the same happiness for you,one day you will have it.

Just a note about your daughter in law ,know one can understand why we stayed with someone so abusive and you know what, it is ok.let it go .

From this day forward you are no longer a victim take control of your life and be happy your not in that place or time anymore.

Hi Tinker,

I just reread your shareposts and I see your trying to explain to your kids that there Dad was very abusive to you .

Please dont take this the wrong way but you are only putting more distance between you and your kids by putting down their father .

I tell my children only that their father and I did not get along and thats it .

If the children heared or saw the abuse from the other parent they will one day remember and tell you about it .

My youngest has mentioned many times what he heared his father say to me .

I shrug it off and tell him to forget about it just like I did.

My ex has said sooo many negative things about me to the boys , I will not participate ! It only hurts my children and my concern is for them .

I will always be the better one and my children can never acuse me of trying to make them see I was a victim and that their Dad was a very sick individual.(Which he was when he was with me .He is remarried and he has changed a-lot from what i can tell)

My ex and I get along very well today for the children ( it took a lot of healing on my part to be able to have a converstaion with him!!!)

I love my children very much and they are part of my ex, if I put down my ex I will also be putting them down .

Please try to heal your wounds I know how difficult of a process it is ! You will feel at peace & a freedom you can only imagine untill you let all the past hurts go !

I see you live with a lot of physical pain and an uncertain future ,must be very difficult but you are doing it ,I can honestly say you are very courages and strong .

I hope we can correspond more often together

Mimi

Mimi,

Your comments are very true, and for some time I was able to do as you suggest.  The last few years my daughter has been so manipulated by him that she wouldn't speak to me for three years.  She also abandoned me when i most needed my family when i was in Denver, very alone, to have surgery.  She ranted with hatred and cruel disrespect, then abandoned me.  All due to her Father.

Since the wedding, I have had only pity for him.  He has not changed one iota, and lives a miserable angry revengeful life.  As an adult my children have chosen his path of abuseive behavior, and cruel vengance.  I am through with them all.

I forgive them, but I refuse to surround myself with people who only critisize and abuse me.  I have lived with that from day one and I have no intention of holding on to misery with so little time left here on earth.  I pray for them.

For some people your suggestions are practicle and the best action to take.  My x hates me with passion and continues to manipulate with lies and half truths to make me look horrible.  Your suggestion is not the way for me.  I've followed that path for years and it has done nothing but get WORSE.

I will continue to treat my children as they treat me.  I will ignore them.  I have begged them for forgiveness for any of my mistakes, and there is none.  If ever I must have contact with their father I will treat him with the same fond respect as I treated him at my daughter's recent wedding.  He treated me with contempt and cruel ignorance. 

So, God Bless you, and I wish I had your circumstances with all my heart.

Sincerely tinker-del

Dearest tinker,

My heart truly bleeds for you . I wish your circumstances were different from what they are .

You are certainly the least selfless person I have had the honor of talking to, the fact that you showed up at your daughters wedding after all they have put you through is incredibly courages and the right thing to do .

You have not given them anything more to critize by showing up there that day I can honestly say is I dont know if I could do what you have ,I am strong but not that strong.

Please take care and hope to hear from you again.

Mimi

Oh Mimi, thank you, but you don't know that I called and told them I wasn't coming three different times!  First I was supposed to drive with my sister, but after two months of her inability to make decisions, her inviting another person every time I spoke with her, then my daughter blaming ME..I said I wasn't going.  The daughter also wrote me a very scathing e-mail critisizing me for "expecting unreasonable things from people."  another time I said I wasn't going!

I am NOT that courageous.  I am just bullheaded stubborn!  All I could think was that no one was going to blame me for her having her an imperfect wedding!  I did it using that as spite.  In the final analysis, I did it to forgive myself.  For the years I drank too much, for being a coward and stepping aside to keep from fighting with her dad, and for finally leaving in 1990 when she was 13.

These things God does for me.  I prayed before I left that he zip my lip shut that I may show the difference HE has made in my life.  I represent Christ's love, patience and dignity because He is my hope, faith and Love. 

My paranoia often manifests itself into what I call my "defend, tourets syndrome."  I just can't help myself after alll those years of silence and buckling to his will, the life I had with my parents, and societies idea that women are to sit in the back seat. I lose my control over my defensive speak.  Anyway this is my way of lightening up!

So, when you think of me as courageous, yes, a little, but most of it is God's love, direction and patience.  Besides, wisdom is not present without earning it!

Love you for your kindness.

Sincerely, tinkerdel

Hi Tinker,

What happened before you went doesnt matter ,You still showed up . It doesnt even matter for what reason .Your daughter will remember you there on a very specail day in her life.

I just have a question did you leave your children with your ex when you left ?

I'm not judging you ,I'm trying to understand thier anger towards you .

Let me explain my experience when I left ,I left them with there Dad .

I knew I made a mistake right away but it was to late .I could not get them back .

He said I was unstable ( which at that time I was very ill ,my thinking was not normal.

I did not see that at the time .

I spent many nights drunk to ease the pain .I questioned my sanity and I hated myself for leaving my kids. I was dead women walking .

I had to fight for them in court while I was hiding the fact that I was very ill mentally.

I kept saying if I dont get them back I will leave this earth permanatly .

They are the only reason I live .

My kids where so angry with me they said such horrible things to me The same things their dad use to call me .

I was spiraling out of control with anger and remorse for what I did to them.

I had to get social workers involved it got so bad.(They were a god send .)

Its been a year now since I reclaimed my mother hood and the kids have ajusted living with me again but it was a very difficult journey.( it was worth it, they are worth it)

My ex and I have joint custody .

I see things differently now since I've been on the medications for sz.

I am so happy and clear minded, at peace !

I wish you the same ,God bless you , you certainly deserve it .

We have much in common .

Mimi

Mimi,

I had no choice when I left.  My Son was almost eighteen and headed to college, and my daughter about 12-13, and was bent on staying with her father.  I was also going through the first steps of AA and had only been sober about two months, after using for a nite in Oct..I left Dec 27th because of a horrible abuse Christmas Morning.  I was very happy, we had been out to breakfast with the whole family, and HE fooled me AGAIN.  With the family he was loving, joking and affectionate.  I thought it was goiing to be a wonderful day.  We went home to get on comfy clothes, and I wasn't quite ready..actually I wanted to wrap his presents before we went the Folks House.  After the kids were in the car, he came storming back in and trapped me in the bedroom corner screaming and spitting in my face "you fg selfish bch, how dare you"  I want you dead!  These kids are counting on you, and you can't get off your "butt" and go WITH them.  You are the most selfish stupid bch I've ever known!

Plus he was having an affair with a dealer in a casino.  I couldn't move.  I can't believe to this day I was shocked.  I cried like I have never cried before or since..Like an animal writhing on the floor.  The phone rang off the wall,.  I was frozen, I couldn't answere it. I stayed, prayed and fought the only choice possible, to leave.  I don't believe in divorce, and I knew the kids were lost to me if I left.  the 26th I found an apartment, and the 27 th I moved out.  The kids were with their friends, and the ex actually helped me move.

Choices.  I knew the second month after we lived together that we didn't have a prayer.  That's the first time he was sexually disloyal.  He admitted it with nochalance and no emotion.  It's a long story, too long and personal at this time.  I have a journal and I am AGAIN trying to work throught the guilt and sadness.

I have asked my daughter if she was hurt that I left her with him.  She said no, it was the right thing to do, and she would have gone to court and told them she wanted to stay with him.  Money...always money.

Who knows.  I was always stupid and couldn't see the evil.  I believed in goodness and I never could wrap the thought around my mind that he was abusing me on purpose.  Now I know, I wasnt' paranoid.  It is the truth.  He is an evil, abusive, manipulative animal.  I will always regret that he is the father of my children.

I am being too honest maybe.  Condemn me if you will,  My children show me disrespect because THAT is what HE TAUGHT THEM.  Still..today.

Gotta stop.

thx

tinkerdel

Whoa,

It was a living nightmare for you.

I lived the same shit .Always loving in the face of family or friends.

An animal in private. You had no choice ,that is understandable.

You still live with so much emotional pain ,you did the only thing you could so many years ago.

If your children dont want anything to do with you thats their choice ,you still have to live your life . Do so .

I know its harder to do than say . I experienced the same things with my kids,like I said if it wasnt for the social workers intervening my children might be lost to me today.

I explained to the social workes that my ex had control of the kids ,I didnt.

They stepped in spoke to the ex and the kids ,sent me to parenting classes etc....

I had to change my way of parenting and the way I saw myself.

The kids were treating me the way my ex did because it worked for them and I allowed it.

The changes that happen when we have help and when we are on medications to help us function normally are incredible.

I was acting like a victim,not anymore.

I was very sensitive to what they would say to me, now I just ignore or punish them for being disrespectful.

Your case is different because your kids are adults .

There is not much you can do .

It is the best for now to ignore them the way they ignore you.

I hope you have made friends in Florida.This will keep you busy and not think about the kids.

take care ,keep me posted,

Mimi

Whoa,

It was a living nightmare for you.

I lived the same shit .Always loving in the face of family or friends.

An animal in private. You had no choice ,that is understandable.

You still live with so much emotional pain ,you did the only thing you could so many years ago.

If your children dont want anything to do with you thats their choice ,you still have to live your life . Do so .

I know its harder to do than say . I experienced the same things with my kids,like I said if it wasnt for the social workers intervening my children might be lost to me today.

I explained to the social workes that my ex had control of the kids ,I didnt.

They stepped in spoke to the ex and the kids ,sent me to parenting classes etc....

I had to change my way of parenting and the way I saw myself.

The kids were treating me the way my ex did because it worked for them and I allowed it.

The changes that happen when we have help and when we are on medications to help us function normally are incredible.

I was acting like a victim,not anymore.

I was very sensitive to what they would say to me, now I just ignore or punish them for being disrespectful.

Your case is different because your kids are adults .

There is not much you can do .

It is the best for now to ignore them the way they ignore you.

I hope you have made friends in Florida.This will keep you busy and not think about the kids.

take care ,keep me posted,

Mimi

Thank u Mimi.  This is the only place I have found any support for my choices that I have thought so long and hard about.  Years and years of this box, and I sure can't change their minds.  No matter HOW DIFFERENT i am now, they will keep me locked in the box of long ago.

I appreciate your open vocal support, and feel safer about my choice.

sincerely tinker/del