complete post from yesterday

So, to come to an end of yesterdays post, I have come to a decision that is not light, but carefully considered and distincly final.

My x husband uses the past against me for revenge and to erase the only thing I have held dear in my whole life.  The only action I ever felt proud of.  I saved my son's life.  The x constantly threatened, cajoled, begged, and abused me to abort him in 1973.  It took more courage at the age of eighteen than I have ever exhibited to fight for my son's life...courage won.  I wanted my daughter more than I can even admit to myself!  There is no option or opportunity to defend myself against his awful cruel lies and deciet.  They buy it, hook line and sinker.  Especially Daddy's little girl.

I've often admitted my part in the participation of the destruction of my joy and innocence by remaining in an abusive marriage for eighteen years.  I have admitted that my re=actions to his abuse and cruelty made me appear worse than he was.  Bottom line, I stayed.  So, here I am continueing to try to change my children's Perceptions of the past, who I was, why I was who I was, and who I am today.  It is a lost cause.  They CHOOSE to remain blind.  They are responsible, and my anger at the x is an excuse to hold them blameless.

At the wedding I realized I sat in the second row.  I heard when the x gave my child to her husband saying "my family and I give this woman."  Not her "mother and I", I remember when he told the other half of the pregnancy that agreed to abort my grandchild  that my daughter "never had a mother, and she HAS no mother."  I saw my children agree. My son did not walk me down the aisle to seat me.  I felt the lies and contempt of most of the people in the guests judge me.  Not paranoia.  Truth.

By their choice my children have driven me away, and as with my marriage I have held on with the sharpest nails I can grow.  This is the surrender.  I will no more.  They claim it..I never was, and I am no more.

I came off with great affection and calm dignity at the wedding.  I proved the claims to be false.

So, I will no longer return any calls, e-mails, or any attempt at reconciliation.  I will no longer be the victim begging for forgiveness, love and caring.  Do unto others as they do to you.  I won't explain, as I have in the past hoping that they would want to know the truth.  I will not defend.

I didn't leave before, and that was my part in it.  I humiliated myself.  I won't continue any more.  The axe is mine, and I have broken through every box and breathe the fresh air.  I am not happy about it.  Maybe I will be in the future.  This makes me feel strong, courageous and ready to tackle MY LIFE and try to be happy for the little time left.

I need support to do this.  Don't tell me three years from now that my part in it was being a doormat after you suggest I sit and continue in this sorrow.  I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.  Now all I want is dignity, life, and to stop struggling to be understood and loved.