Since I returned home from the Daughters wedding I have been in constant, agonizing, physical pain. The body pain from the nerve damage is excruciating and I have been crying a lot this last week. In a way I am grateful because I am an emotional "stuffer." When the pain makes me cry I also feel the release of spiritual, emotional pain ebb out in the tears. It helps me drain the disappointments of the most recent past, and leaves a hole then to fill up with peace and safety.
I take pain meds for the physical pain...I would go insane if I had to handle this pain without. I worry that the narcotics are downers and add to my depression? What good is it to worry when I have no choice? When the pain is bearable I take less, so I am not at all emotionally addicted. When I first had the surgery that was supposed to cure the pain I tried to cold turkey the meds...I AM physically addicted. I've always thought it foolish to worry about addiction when such electrical pain requires numbing. Years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia so I have a pretty high pain threshhold.
I sound like a robot in this message. I feel like one today. I am so tired of dealing with pain and the last year I drop off to sleep in the middle of sentences. I've never done that before.
About eight months ago a Brain Scan showed some abnormalities and were theorized as a possible sign of MS. I was supposed to have another MRI in six months??
I'm starting to think I am a hypo-chondriac! Dr's have put off telling me the truth until I sit down and seriously accuse them, and then demand the truth. The only thing that I know is that the pain is expected to get much worse with time, and i will be crippled in the future. I've been so physical all my life..I can't imagine being in a wheel chair, or bed stuck in this body that has been so athletic, but now is failing me quickly.
I called a Mental Health Clinic today for the county. Already at 1 p.m. their voice mail is full and I will have to call again tomorrow. I knew this was going to be a difficult chase.
Sometimes I can only handle life from minute to minute, not one day at a time. I am frustrated with the constant pain. Can u tell? I think I'll get the cane out tomorrow and take a spin around the area and do one or two pick ups of necessities? Prob a good idea. Thanks Tinker-del
