I've always made poor choices based on my history of loniness and displaced affection. My HS sweetheard dumped me for a girl he got pregnant twice, so I think somewhere in my psyc I got the idea that sex would reward me and I would get the prize. It's no suprise when my parents put me up for adoption as a baby and later I was returned to them..suppose I got the idea I was not worthy of true love??? HMM.
So. I married a very negatively verbal and abusive man. I lost the love of my children because I was very ill, self medicating with alcohol. He wasn't a big help either, with his pity talk of how sad my life had been, and don't count on your mother. So on..HMMM
My psyciatrist at that time listenend to his betrayals so I never got to tell my side of anything...he was a liar, and a sneak. No meds, no help, and when I returned a year or so later with needs he turned me away, telling me "your husband is a VERY GOOD friend of mine!" He had tested me in the early eighties for mental diagnosis and never told me what it was until 1999 when I had to apply for disability benefits. HMMM
After I divorced I kept walking in the old path. Looking for love and getting used by men who couldn't keep their pants zipped. Not in a SMALL way either!HMMM
The last one I fell in Love with eight years ago so deeply. He was kind, talked me up, was joyful, adventurous and fun. After six months I got the news he was married. Could I give up? NOPE. My heart broke and I tried months at a time/BUT I always called him back. He made me a prisoner with HIS FEAR of losing me. I chose to act like a marrried woman??? He gave me money. He took me out on a boat. Must most of all he DEMANDED SEX. My life was always bought and paid for by sex.
Recently I told him to go away. Now no money, no talk, no dinners. I am his wh...e.
I have earned my keep. Always. Work, sex, all of everything I could be. The main thing I NEVER LEARNED was to take care of ME.hmmmmmmmm???
I will be 54 Oct 6th. All my life I done the wrong thing thinking I could earn the RIGHT THING. LOVE
I dont know what it is. I don't want to any more. I am done, finished...it's all just an illusion...all of it. HMMM
Sincerely
tinker
