Hello. I am better and thank you for all the encouragement and communication. You help more than you know!
The new dosage on the pain meds is miraculous!!! Hurrrah. I feel my body as almost normal and that has been a long time coming. My pain Doc holds off too long in my opinion. In the past he didn't, so I wonder what changed in the last six months? I had two urine tests and they were clean, and I follow the dosage to a tee. Oh well..I can't worry about that as it may be just paranoia. I wish I knew what was real. Are my thoughts observative or paranoid? I will never know. I can't make reliable decisions and so I just sit in limbo.
I called the new Phsyciatrist Friday too late, so I will call again on Monday and make an appointment. I already like him/her as they asked for ME to call and required no referral. They WANT no referral just me. Isn't that refreshing?
I have been researching different forms of personality disorders. I am not sure I can trust the phsyciatrist who diagnosed me years ago about the diagnosis as my x was also involved with all his lies to make him look like a God.
I am struggling with the idea of true evil. I have always tried to be better than I can possibly be as a Human, but I always denied any true evil in the world. This situation with the idea that my x was trying to destroy me is so disheartening. I don't want to even consider it is true, but the fact is he is truly rotton and evil to the core. Isn't that sad? He purposly went out to destroy me so he could look invincible and good. He is so intelligent that he manipulated everything with lies, even my children?! That is so cruel and yet I know he cruel beyond belief. See what I mean? Beyond belief.
I am sorry for going on about this.
For the last several years I have been well fed on hatred, manipulation, cruelty and vicious anger by the people I loved the most. I hope that my daughter and I are healing, but now the thoughts of the lies make me see that we can never be close as long as the lies attack everything that creates respect, trust, and Love. All I can do is pray.
I am excited about getting to the Phsyciatrist...isn't THAT A HOOT? Excited. Just think, I may function closer to normal with some chemical balance? Anticipation and hope. I haven't had a lot of hope for a very long time.
You have done this to me! Wow.
Thanks AGAIN
with fondness, Dellea/tinker
I, too, am a member of the Rotten Husband Club. Mine was a controller extraordinaire. He micro-managed every aspect of my life down to what I wore and where I ate for lunch. He wouldn't let me have my own car or bank account, I guess because it would be easier to get away from him that way. He knew he was a bastard. I think the best move I made toward recovery was when I filed for divorce and kicked him out of the house.
How wonderful that you already have good feelings toward your new doctor. That doesn't happen very often, at least not in my experience. I still vacillate between whether to get a new pdoc or stay with the old. Mine doesn't seem to take things as seriously as I think he should. He is always rather cavalier and it really irritates me. We are definitely not equals in any sense of the word. I am the lowly patient and he is the genius doctor and whatever he says trumps whatever I say.
Oh well, enough of that.
I'm glad things are going better for you.
Carolyn